Critical End!

In addition to a best picture nomination, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button has also been nominated for its stunning visual effects. Since it’s up against fan favorites Iron Man and The Dark Knight, I thought it might be important to take a moment and look at what exactly makes Benjamin Button worthy of this award. Let’s start from the beginning.

When the film opens, Brad Pitt looks like this. I can understand how they made him look so old, but check out that size! What a shrimp man! Is that an Oscar for visual effects that I smell? Anyway, the film moves on and he begins to look like…

This! Oh my! Yeah, I’m starting to smell an Oscar…but wait! If he looks like this now, then that means that sexy made-to-order Brad Pitt can’t be too far behind…

And there he is! At this point in the movie, I think we should just give them the Oscar right freakin’ now. The only thing left is the final, young and dying Brad Pitt. The studio has gone to great lengths to keep this a secret, so I guess I better mark this one as a SPOILER ALERT. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button really surprised me in it’s closing minutes when Brad Pitt became…

…a buff Steve Guttenberg in a dress. If that doesn’t deserve a visual effects Oscar, I don’t know what does.

(Editors note: Since The Reader is no longer playing in Logan’s area, we tried our best to explain the plot to him before he wrote this review. However, as soon as we mentioned that the film involved Nazis, a very excited Logan exclaimed, “I LOVE those guys!” Needless to say, all of us here at Critical End! were appalled until we realized that Logan was, in fact, confusing Nazis with kittens. We took a few moments to give Logan a brief history lesson on the Nazis and many of the terrible acts that they performed. During this time he became visibly upset and finally stormed out of the room vowing to “go all Captain America on some Nazi ass”‘. We never did get to explain The Reader to him.)

Oscar Week: The Reader (Logan’s Take)

You know what I hate? Nazis.

They’re big dumb fatty McFat fats who all have poopie pants.

That’s right. Pants full of poop.

I’m sorry to use such harsh language, but I feel very enraged in regards to this issue. In fact, if you told me that there was a Nazi out in the hall by the Pepsi machine right this very second, I would most likely go out there and kill him…in the face.

You know the only thing I hate more than Nazis? Nazi zombies.

Rating:
0 out of 10 (for Nazis)

(Editors note: Yes, we’re aware that the lowest rating on this site is usually one star out of ten, but we’re talkin’ Nazis here, kids. Oh yes, and we promise that Logan’s next review will actually be on topic. He’s been warned.)

Do you think he really remembers me? Because he owes me 20 bucks.

I’ll be honest with you: This is the first Valentine’s Day in five years that I haven’t had to entertain some form of a girlfriend. And you know what?

I’m happy about that.

For once I don’t have to worry about making reservations at the restaurant with the name that I can’t even pronounce. Instead it’s dinner alone at Denny’s. That’s right, I- oh…

Anyway, rather than an evening out at one of the many anti-Valentine’s Day parties that I always seem to get invited to (I completely dislike that tired theme, especially when all people try to do at these parties is hook up. Doesn’t that go against the point?), I decided instead to stay in and enjoy the 2001 slasher flick Valentine. I think next year I’ll take my chances with the dinner reservations.

Let me start by saying that I was shocked when I looked on the DVD sleeve and discovered that this movie actually came out in 2001. Wasn’t the slasher film supposed to get smarter after Scream dissected it? Oh, and why is everybody dressed like they’re in the early nineties? Okay. Maybe that was just me. Let’s look at the film itself: It opens with a pre-Grey’s Anatomy Katherine Heigl as a stressed college student. Okay, not too bad. I’m with this movie so far. They’re setting up her character and I’m starting to enjoy- no, wait. Is she? Yeah, she just died. Hmmm. Well, okay movie. I can deal with this. Who else do you have for me? Let’s see. A whiny blond, another blond who thinks she’s too fat, yet another blond with an annoying laugh, and…Denise Richards? Movie movie movie. This just isn’t going to do. No, not one bit. Let me just take a gander at the run time here and OH DEAR SWEET JESUS.

Look, I know that this isn’t really a review so much, but let’s not kid ourselves here. Did you really expect me to stay in on the one day of the week that I’m guaranteed to get laid at an anti-Valentine’s Day party and watch some crappy slasher flick that doesn’t even have any nudity in it?

Well, I did and it stunk. I hope you’re happy with yourself.

Rating:
2 out of 10.

Yes, for some reason there is a giant foam Jason Statham head in this movie. No joke.

Although I too have yet to see the first film, I have to say that I agree with Ryan’s assessment of the promotional material for Crank 2: Crank it Up (Not the real title, but it should be). However, I have to offer a few reasons why we will most likely be highly disappointed:

1. The trailer looks like it was shot on a home video camera by a director whose only exposure to film was a VH1 classic marathon of Limp Bizkit videos.

2. Speaking of director, it took not one, but two people to direct this film? Did they credit the guy who went on beer runs for them?

3. And finally, while I enjoyed the “tweak my nipple” poster that Ryan used, THIS is the definite poster that proves this movies worth.

Bottom line: Don’t see this sober. We’ll be there opening day with a case of Schlitz and a bottle of Jose Cuervo if anybody is interested. Ryan will even offer free body shots (or “Statham Shooters” as we like to call them) to the first ten fans.

Moments before calling Crutchy a "no talented gimp" and Ann-Margret "Madam Fishface"

In case you haven’t read the news yet, Christian Bale is officially crazy nuts. Yes, you read that right. It seems that a tape has leaked out of him yelling at basically everybody in his ten foot radius on the set of Terminator: Salvation.

“Salvation” indeed.

Being Hollywood insiders, Ryan and I have heard the audio in question. It was not pretty. We both cried. (Actually, I laughed at first because I thought it was one of those prank phone call tapes. Those Jerky Boys get me every time.) So, why did it hurt so much?

BECAUSE OUR YOUTH JUST DIED.

Ever since we were little we’ve both lived our dreams through Christian Bale. I remember Ryan going on and on about how he wanted to be a street danicin’ trash talkin’ paper boy who longed for Santa Fe like Bale in Newsies. And me? I wanted to make love to Ewan McGregor. You know…..like in Velvet Goldmine……..seriously, it’s in the movie, folks.

Listen, my point is this: There is no excuse for any actor to EVER act like this…unless you have a funny British accent…or the movie you’re in is the fourth in a franchise that should have ended at the second film…or you’re Christian Bale. He can do whatever he wants with Ewan McGregor as far as I’m concerned.

Puffy, ain't it?

Thanks to movies like Reality Bites, I’ve become all too aware that life after college is no fun. This is a message that Hollywood has shoved in our face over and over again with nearly every film starring twenty somethings who can’t quite figure it all out. It’s old hat as far as plot goes: Life sucks. Work sucks. Love sucks. Then you turn thirty and wonder where you screwed up. I’ll admit that The Puffy Chair is that movie BUT instead of making the tired mistake of starting from here, it actually shows us how our characters get to that point…it’s also pretty darn funny.

The Puffy Chair mostly follows Josh and Emily and their turbulent relationship. From the get go, things are falling apart but Josh sees a quick fix in inviting Emily to go on a road trip from New York to Atlanta for his dad’s birthday. Along the way they pick up Josh’s brother, Rhett (a slightly burned out pseudo-hippie), meet a host of other odd characters, and deal with a rather large puffy chair. It’s all very funny and heartbreaking and at times a little too realistic, but these are characters that, although deeply flawed, you begin to like. It’s an investment that pays off as the movie comes to a close.

What makes this film even more fun is the fact that it’s the first from writing/directing brothers Jay and Mark Duplass. Granted, the dialogue can get slightly annoying at times (I haven’t heard this many “dudes” since BaseketBall) and there were times when the direction lacked focus (both literally and figuratively), but it’s obvious that this is really just two brothers having a good time with a camera. For the most part, I think you will too.

Rating:
7 out of 10

Bored yet?

Although I have some pretty strong feelings about the 1951 original film, let’s leave it out of the equation, as it would be a shame to even associate it with this remake. 2008’s The Day the Earth Stood Still is a boring, misguided, highly commercialized, and pointlessly PC big budget Hollywood remake…but, c’mon: What did you really expect?

Where to begin? The cast stumbles through the movie to the point that you’ll feel like you can hear them turning each page of the script. Keanu Reeves delivers some of his best acting since that time he said “Whoa”; Jennifer Connelly proves to us once again that she’s great at crying on cue; Kathy Bates shows up for some reason; and Jaden Smith does a pretty decent job of making the audience wait around for his death scene (still waiting). The one highlight as far as acting is concerned, is John Cleese, who does a wonderful job in his single, three and a half minute scene (which, for reasons beyond me, he received third billing for).

This film also contains more product placements than you can shake a bag of overpriced popcorn at. For example, did you know that most McDonald’s now sell hot tea? Or that Citizen watches keep great time? Or that Microsoft makes a really cool touch screen thingy? At one point I started to wonder if the characters were in some sort of Truman Show spin off.

But enough about all of that. The biggest problem with the film comes at the end when…well, I would hate to spoil the one part of the movie when the earth finally does stand still. Not to mention all of the plot holes and unanswered questions that this leaves the audience with. Hmmm. Well, no time for that, let’s roll those credits! Okay, I won’t lie. That part was pretty good.

Rating:
3 out of 10