Guess what, you guys? Â Marvel has dropped Edward Norton from Avengers, meaning that a THIRD actor will be called upon to reboot the characters of “Bruce Banner” and “Guy Whose Face Serves as The Very Loose Basis for a CGI Hulk Puppet.” Â Now, Marvel’s probably going to go with an unknown who they can get for pennies on the dollar, but there are plenty of alternatives they’re not even considering. Â For example…
Arnold Schwarzenegger By the time they film Avengers, Schwarzenegger will be out of the governor’s office and raring to return to acting.  Clearly, the Incredible Hulk is the perfect comeback role.  Well into his sixties, Schwarzenegger will bring a more mature, world-weary quality to the part.  Now, I know what you’re thinking:  “Ryan, you sexy bastard, Arnold may have the Hulk’s physique, but didn’t Batman and Robin prove that he can’t play a nerdy scientist?”  Well, I’ll answer your question with one of my own.  Which is more expensive: creating a CGI Hulk that rips a helicopter in half?  Or creating a CGI Bruce Banner that sits pensively in a lab, contemplating the duality of man?  Exactly.  Let Arnold play the hulk, and leave Banner to the boys at ILM (and Rainn Wilson who will provide the nebishy voicework.)
Jonah Hill The biggest problem with Bruce Banner?  He’s so depressing!  “Oh woe is me!  I can’t control my darkest urges!  The inner-torment is unbearable!”  SHADDUP ALREADY!  Jonah Hill’s unique brand of offbeat comedy (being fat and saying “fuck” a lot) is just the refreshing tweak this character needs.  Imagine the Hangover-style hijinks he and Tony Stark will get into!  Plus, instead of being insanely muscular  and driven by rage when he Hulks out, he’ll be morbidly obese and driven by his insatiable craving for KFC.  Product placement!
Katherine Heigl It might be time to go a whole different direction and throw She-Hulk into the mix. Heigl’s a big box office draw (especially for the lady types that typically pass on superhero flicks). Â And she’s sure to do it on the cheap, because she’s so notoriously difficult to work with that the only way for her to guarantee a longterm career is to attach herself to a franchise where she doesn’t actually have to appear on-set with any of her costars. Â All the action will be CG, and whenever she’s Jennifer Walters, she’s got to be completely isolated due to…her…contagious radiation sickness! Â Done.
The possibilities are endless. Â Actually they end right there. Â So, pick one and get back to me, Hollywood. Â I’m sure we can negotiate a reasonable fee for my services (whatever Edward Norton wanted, double it.)
Not much going on today, so I’ll jump on Logan’s HP bandwagon and mention this story from /Film. Â It’s a little hard to believe that one of the highest grossing movies of all time made NO PROFIT, thus allowing Warner Bros. to wiggle out of their agreement to pay certain actors and crew members a percentage of the take.
No word as to who exactly is affected by this, but when you’re getting back end points, it’s a pretty safe bet you’re one of the principal players, meaning that Warner is brazenly dipping into Hermione’s college fund. Â Okay, theyr’e all like 30 now, but the point stands. Â Doesn’t it? Â I don’t know. Â Not much going on today.
The first time I saw this new teaser poster for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows I thought that it was amazingly hardcore…then confusion begin to set in.  Are they now planning on calling it HP7, despite the fact that the poster claims there’s a part 1 and 2? Is that part 1 and 2 of 7 parts? And if “it all ends here”, is that to say that it’s ending in both parts? Oh yeah, and what the hell is a 2D theater? Do they mean a “normal theater”?
I guess I won’t know the answer to any of these questions until I shell out about 30 bucks to see both movies in 3D. Curse you, Warner Brothers!
I’m under the impression that Judd Apatow is running some sort of Hollywood comedy mafia. To get any script that is funny made in Hollywood it has to first go through Judd’s office, at which point he adds Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill, some random blond, makes everybody get high in at least two scenes, then slaps on an Executive Producer credit for himself. Seriously, kids. Apatow accounts for almost half of the comedies that make it to theaters these days.
Which means that it was only a matter of time before he ruined something dear to me. Sure, we already know that he’s handling Ghostbusters 3: Starring Bill Murray, but why the flippin’ fuck is he now taking Pee-wee from me too?
Yes, according to Pee-wee’s Twitter account and E! online, Judd is going to produce the new Pee-wee film. Granted, I’m going to see the movie. Heck, I may even see it two or three times. But that’s not the point. The point is Apatow needs to back off ’80’s franchises that were fine to begin with.
I would say more, but I’m afraid Apatow’s comedy mafia might threaten to make Funny People 2: Starring Bill Murray as Seth Rogan.
Can you believe that this Saturday marks the 25th anniversary of Back to the Future? Has it really been that long?
Rumor has it that Universal is gearing up for some pretty big announcements this coming weekend, but the biggest one has already arrived: The trilogy is finally heading to Blu-ray! Truth be told, between the original trilogy release on DVD and the re-release that came out only last year, there’s not too much that we haven’t seen in the way of bonus features. Click on the new cover art below for the full details.
Meanwhile, the folks over at Film School Rejects have put together a great comparison of what the actors look like now, opposed to how Back to the Future Part II imagined they would look like at the same age. Quick summary: Elisabeth Shue is still hot.
The new Harry Potter teaser is set to debut online later tonight. As a huge nerd who just got through listening to all the British versions of the audio books for “authenticity”, you can bet I’m interested to see it. Meanwhile, /Film’s got some leaked images of some of the teaser’s juiciest scenes…
Here’s the scene where Voldemort teaches Harry to pronounce Italian words so he can impress the sultry farmer’s daughter he meets on their impromptu trip to Siena.
Here’s the POV shot of Harry standing outside the farmer’s daughter’s door after having comically tripped down a hill and into a pile of manure on his way there. If I remember the book correctly, the shot after this will reveal that he is pantsless.
And here’s a scene from the closely-guarded epilogue, in which Hermione agrees to a romantic Sleepless in Seattle style meeting with an estranged Ron, only to find that he’s a drunken insomniac lumberjack now.
(SPOILER: She settles.)
Anywho, I’ll post the trailer here when it shows up so we can see these thrilling moments in action!
I’d like to tell you that this is some kind of joke, but it’s not: Here’s the first photo from the upcoming remake of Rocky, starring Hugh Jackman in the Burgess Meredith role, and a giant, red, hip-hop dancing robot as Rocky.Â
Only kidding, folks. This is actually a photo from the upcoming Hugh Jackman CGI-filled Real Steel, which I can only assume will be a lot worse than the movie that I described above.Â
There was a time when I was forced to defend myself whenever I told somebody I didn’t like The Dark Knight. It really would drive them crazy that somebody could find the latest Batman film mediocre at best. Lucky for me, Avatar came along and now I have a whole new film to dislike that drives people crazy nuts.
Meanwhile, despite my dislike of both Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, I still think that Christopher Nolan is a fine director. I was really into Following, Memento, and especially The Prestige. And for what it’s worth, I’m one of those nerds that thinks Inception looks amazing.
One thing I like about Inception? It’s not in 3D. One thing I especally like about Christopher Nolan? He was asked to do Inception in 3D and turned it down. This gives me hope that there still may be a possibility of 3D dying a quick death and being written off as a late 2000’s fad.
When he’s not busy reinventing 3D technology, fixing oil spills, and rewriting the script to Ferngully, it seems that James Cameron is finding new ways to revive the endless Final Destination series. Case in point: Cameron has recommended his second unit director (who has been with him since The Abyss) to New Line Cinema as the director of the upcoming Final Destination 5.
Gee. Thanks, James.
While this news is a bit strange, I find it even weirder that they’re making a Final Destination 5. I can only assume that it’s going to be a retelling of Disney’s Pocahontas, with a strong green message at it’s roots. Zing!
I promise this is going to be the last time I complain about anything Lost related (that is unless I get around to reviewing the entire show some day), but here are the remaining questions I have for the show, presented in easy to follow video form.
James Franco, winning the Judd Apatow award for highness.
If you thought not one, but two prequels to Alien were a wee bit unnecessary, does Hollywood have news for you!
James Franco has signed on to play a scientist who creates a group of hyper intelligent chimps that will later take over the world leading to…are you ready for this…Planet of The Apes! Gasp! Wait…the hell?
Yes, a prequel to 1968’s Planet of the Apes may be, by all accounts, the most pointless prequel to come from Hollywood in a very long time. And the casting of James Franco as a monkey scientist? Yeah, I don’t know where they come up with these things either. This is proof that Hollywood relies a bit more on the 14-year-old girl crowd than the still-living-in-my parents-basement male crowd.
I’m sorry, but let me just say this one more time so we’re all on the same page here: Remember those crazy apes in Planet of the Apes?  Dr. James Franco made them.
Here are some things that happened recently that I never got around to posting!
"I'd like to run a few wrestling names for myself by you. Now, I've narrowed it down to Luscious Lou' and 'Texas Joe Hotdog'..."
Shia LaBeouf wasn’t thrilled with the last Indiana Jones either, and he refreshingly blames himself. To be fair, it certainly wasn’t all (or even mostly) his fault. Uninspired writing and terrible CG did most of the work. But it’s still nice to read this:
You get to monkey-swinging and things like that and you can blame it on the writer and you can blame it on Steven. But the actor’s job is to make it come alive and make it work, and I couldn’t do it. So that’s my fault. Simple.
Congratulations on pulling off an amazing show. Don’t tell anyone … but when ‘Star Wars’ first came out, I didn’t know where it was going either. The trick is to pretend you’ve planned the whole thing out in advance.
It’s nice of him to share his trade secrets, but it seems unnecessary. From what I’ve heard, the writers of Lost have already usurped Lucas for the title of laziest hacks in the business.
In happier news, Critical End! favorite John Landis is reportedly going forward with a biopic of Bill Gaines, the man behind E.C. Comics and Mad Magazine. I can’t think of a better director for the project. Hopefully this, along with Burke and Hare will represent a return to prominence for Landis.
And finally, this re-imagining of the classic Sesame Street Pinball Number Count (AKA “11, 12!”) is a must-see. Have a great weekend, kids!
Okay, well not really…unless you believe Chevy’s line in the clip below…which I don’t…(but how I wish!)
Anyway, the Community finale airs tonight, and while I’m not excited that the writers feel the need to get back to the Jeff/Britta relationship (although it made Entertainment Weekly’s #1 “must” this week), this is a show that we’ve been talking about since the beginning, so I feel somewhat obligated to remind you about it.
Oh, screw it- I just wanted to post a clip of Chevy saying the word “Fletch”. You got me.
Hey kids, you know what really sucked? Last weeks episode of Lost. And for once I’m not the only person who’s calling the show out for it. Not only have we finally started to realize that all of our biggest questions are never going to be answered, but producers/head writers Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof have decided that they have no obligation at all to really answer their own questions. Guys, it’s one thing for your show to be badly written, but it’s another when you start acting like you’re too awesome for your own audience. (I’m looking at you, ““Every question I answer will simply lead to another question.â€)
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Jonah Hill
Katherine Heigl
