"Oh boy! An email from Logan! Let me just read this and- WHHAAA?!"
Are you reading this, Mr. Romero? Because you should be.    Â
For what it’s worth, your pals here at Critical End! were calling you a hack way back when it was considered blasphemy to do so. However, with the release of Land of the Dead, then Diary of the Dead, it seems that most horror fans have come around to our way of thinking.
Yet you refuse to stop.
Two weeks ago saw the release of Survival of the Dead. Survival of the freakin’ dead. Why? Because if I’m to believe what you and others claim, you pretty much invented the modern zombie film. That doesn’t mean you were ever the best at it. Hell, did you see the first iPod? That thing was bulky, only came in white, and didn’t even have a color screen! Whatever the case may be, you’re really giving M. Night Shyamalan and Kevin Smith a run for the “Hack of the Decade” award.
Which brings me back to where I started: Are you reading this, Mr. Romero? If so, wipe the tears off of those big windshields that you call glasses and listen up. If you want to get me and lots of other horror loving fans back into those theater seats, all you have do is simply make this movie:
…or something with Chevy Chase in it. That would be good too.
I was really just looking for an excuse to post a Stella clip…but on a serious note, if you play this video before you go out tonight, I guarantee that you’ll have a much more awesome Friday night.*
While watching Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time for the upcoming podcast, I couldn’t help but notice that the guy two rows down from me was watching what looked like a completely different movie on his iPhone. Now, I can’t explain the logic behind paying nine bucks just to sit in a theater and watch a completely different movie on a three and a half inch screen, but I can explain why you shouldn’t do it in the first place.
Or better yet, my old pal David Lynch can do it for me:
I promise this is going to be the last time I complain about anything Lost related (that is unless I get around to reviewing the entire show some day), but here are the remaining questions I have for the show, presented in easy to follow video form.
Hey! Â They’re making new Wile E. Coyote shorts! And they’re showing them IN FRONT OF MOVIES like the old days! Â Sure they’re in 3D, which seems unnecessary, but whatever. Â If they’re well-produced who cares?
What was that? Â They’re putting the first one in front of Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore? Â Okay, awesome. Â I’m going to go strap myself to some dynamite.
James Franco, winning the Judd Apatow award for highness.
If you thought not one, but two prequels to Alien were a wee bit unnecessary, does Hollywood have news for you!
James Franco has signed on to play a scientist who creates a group of hyper intelligent chimps that will later take over the world leading to…are you ready for this…Planet of The Apes! Gasp! Wait…the hell?
Yes, a prequel to 1968’s Planet of the Apes may be, by all accounts, the most pointless prequel to come from Hollywood in a very long time. And the casting of James Franco as a monkey scientist? Yeah, I don’t know where they come up with these things either. This is proof that Hollywood relies a bit more on the 14-year-old girl crowd than the still-living-in-my parents-basement male crowd.
I’m sorry, but let me just say this one more time so we’re all on the same page here: Remember those crazy apes in Planet of the Apes?  Dr. James Franco made them.
If you’ve already listened to me and Logan ramble on about the recent Nightmare on Elm Street remake, and you’re still hungry for more, Arnie Niekamp’s Stupid Nerd podcast rides to the rescue once again.
On the newest episode, I chat about the whole Nightmare series with Arnie and Adal Rifai (who luckily remembered a lot more about the goofy, convoluted details than I did.)
Check it (and all the other great episodes) out on iTunes or listen right here by clicking play below.
Here are some things that happened recently that I never got around to posting!
"I'd like to run a few wrestling names for myself by you. Now, I've narrowed it down to Luscious Lou' and 'Texas Joe Hotdog'..."
Shia LaBeouf wasn’t thrilled with the last Indiana Jones either, and he refreshingly blames himself. To be fair, it certainly wasn’t all (or even mostly) his fault. Uninspired writing and terrible CG did most of the work. But it’s still nice to read this:
You get to monkey-swinging and things like that and you can blame it on the writer and you can blame it on Steven. But the actor’s job is to make it come alive and make it work, and I couldn’t do it. So that’s my fault. Simple.
Congratulations on pulling off an amazing show. Don’t tell anyone … but when ‘Star Wars’ first came out, I didn’t know where it was going either. The trick is to pretend you’ve planned the whole thing out in advance.
It’s nice of him to share his trade secrets, but it seems unnecessary. From what I’ve heard, the writers of Lost have already usurped Lucas for the title of laziest hacks in the business.
In happier news, Critical End! favorite John Landis is reportedly going forward with a biopic of Bill Gaines, the man behind E.C. Comics and Mad Magazine. I can’t think of a better director for the project. Hopefully this, along with Burke and Hare will represent a return to prominence for Landis.
And finally, this re-imagining of the classic Sesame Street Pinball Number Count (AKA “11, 12!”) is a must-see. Have a great weekend, kids!
Okay, well not really…unless you believe Chevy’s line in the clip below…which I don’t…(but how I wish!)
Anyway, the Community finale airs tonight, and while I’m not excited that the writers feel the need to get back to the Jeff/Britta relationship (although it made Entertainment Weekly’s #1 “must” this week), this is a show that we’ve been talking about since the beginning, so I feel somewhat obligated to remind you about it.
Oh, screw it- I just wanted to post a clip of Chevy saying the word “Fletch”. You got me.
Another impromptu discussion spawns a Critical Hit! Â Logan and Ryan get nostalgic for Nick at Nite and MST3K, and have a heated disagreement over Kate & Allie.
Hey kids, you know what really sucked? Last weeks episode of Lost. And for once I’m not the only person who’s calling the show out for it. Not only have we finally started to realize that all of our biggest questions are never going to be answered, but producers/head writers Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof have decided that they have no obligation at all to really answer their own questions. Guys, it’s one thing for your show to be badly written, but it’s another when you start acting like you’re too awesome for your own audience. (I’m looking at you, ““Every question I answer will simply lead to another question.â€)
It’s been a while since Joe Dante had a hit theatrical release, which is somewhat sad as he shaped a lot of childhood’s in the 80’s and early 90’s with films like Gremlins, Explorers, Innerspace, and yes, even Matinee (Hey, I loved it as a kid). He tried to bring the same child-like touch to films like Small Solders (loved it) and Looney Tunes: Back in Action (seriously underrated), but has failed to really connect with an audience of either kids or adults for some time now.
Well, it looks like he’s going to take one more shot at it, this time with the writer of Vacancy behind him. The Hole, despite it’s unfortunate name, looks to be spooky childhood fun along the lines of Dante’s “It’s a Good Life” segment from Twilight Zone: The Movie. And it’s Dante’s first 3D film to boot!
No word yet on an actual theatrical release, which is sad as we may never see this is in actual 3D. Until then, I guess we’ll have to look forward to the upcoming 3D remake of Joe’s 1978 cheese classic Piranha in August.
