Critical End!

No podcast this week.  We’ll let you know about Alice in Wonderland next Wednesday.  Don’t worry, you still won’t have seen it.

Sorry for the late post, kids. I’m still reeling from the soul-crushingly bad Oscar telecast last night. Logan and I have discussed it and we’re going to live blog the Westminster Dog Show instead next year.

Anywho, just wanted to do a quick check-in on how we’re feeling about the death reel this year.  Like many, I’m wondering why Farrah Fawcett  was snubbed, but my real question is whether Michael Jackson deserve to be included.  Sure he’s one of the most famous people on Earth and it’s sad that he died.  But it was sad when my cat died too, and Lady Scratchmeister didn’t get an Oscar mention.  Because she didn’t work in movies.

Say what you want about Farrah, but she had a legit film career that included a Golden Globe nomination.  Other than The Wiz, Jackson didn’t really do anything that wasn’t a cameo, music video, or vanity project.  Sure, if we’re honoring publicists anyway, throw in MJ while you’re at it.  But at the expense of Farrah and Bea Arthur?  I don’t get it.

UPDATE: Fun’s over for this year, but relive all the heartwarming memories via the snazzy replay below.

UPDATE: We’re live, folks. Read and comment below.

The fun starts in just a few hours, folks! Stay tuned.

Just a friendly reminder to mark your calendars tomorrow for the Oscars and the Critical End! Oscar Live Blog.  Use the handy sign-up form to your right if you want an email alert when it’s about to start.

Until then, make your last-minute Oscar pool picks and enjoy the ludicrous eyewear of Steve Martin.

Seriously, the man’s face is 85% glasses.  REVIEWED: The Crazies (1973). The Crazies (2010).

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I can list all sorts of reason why this clip isn’t worth watching (Just a few: New SNL needs a laugh track to make it even appear funny, I’m still waiting for them to stop promoting Obama and start making fun of him, and there’s a blatant political agenda behind this entire video), but I can list one very solid reason why it’s completely worth watching.  It begins around 3:50 if you just want to skip ahead…I’d reccomend it.

For comedy that is actually funny, please don’t forget NBC’s Community returns tonight at 8!

Is it just me or is Tim Burton on total autopilot these days? I don’t want to say “parody of himself” just yet, but his most recent films are Alice in Wonderland, Sweeney Todd, and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  Those are just three existing stories about which somebody said “Wouldn’t it be cool if this was kind of screwed up and goth?”  Of course there’s also The Corpse Bride, which is just a version of A Nightmare Before Christmas that Burton actually bothered to direct.

Following his theme of just doing whatever my 14-year-old self would have begged him to do, he’s now on board to direct an adaptation of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which is one of them historical monster mashups done by the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies fella.  I guess that’ll be good?  Maybe?  I’m a big fan of a lot of Burton’s work, but this is such obvious material for him that I feel like I don’t even need to see it.  I wouldn’t mind seeing something from Burton that I’d never seen before, more in the vein of Big Fish than just another skewed-view re-imagining.

Well at least he’s not doing something silly like  a feature length version of Frankenweenie.

That’s right, kids, we’re at it again. This Sunday (5PT/8ET on ABC) the Oscars will once again invade your TV and we’ll be there to yammer on about it for the second time in a row.

The way it works is simple. When you sit down to watch the awards, make sure you’ve got your laptop (or mobile device!) tuned to this site where you’ll find running commentary by me and Logan for the entirety of the broadcast. Check out the snazzy replay of last year’s event to get the idea.

Don’t have someone to enjoy the show with? Join us and post your comments! (Comment posting should work a lot smoother this year.) Do have someone to enjoy the show with? Ignore them and hang out with us instead.

Want to be reminded when the live blog gets close? Use the handy form below. Love rhetorical questions? So do we!

"I have to go. My planet needs me."

Not too long ago, Alec Baldwin mentioned in an interview that he was retiring from acting. His exact words were:

“I consider my entire movie career a complete failure. The goal of movie-making is to star in a film where your performance drives the film, and the film is either a soaring critical or commercial success, and I never had that.”

Could this really be true? Not about the retirement, I predict he’ll pull a Dan Aykroyd in no time. I mean could Baldwin be right about his career? The guy’s been a name forever; certainly he must have turned in at least one outstanding performance.

Well, we’re going to find out in a new Critical End! feature that Logan and I are calling Home School. A Home School will be a series of posts that takes a chronological look at a group of related films. This could be a bunch of sequels like the Friday the 13th films, or the catalog of a particular actor or director. By the end, we’ll have taken an interesting little journey, obtained some perspective on the subject matter, and likely filled in some gaps in our cinematic education. All from the comfort of our couches (hence “Home School”). This inaugural installment will explore the entirety of Alec Baldwin’s catalog in an attempt to test the actor’s own hypothesis that he’s never done anything worthwhile. Join us, won’t you?

Alec Baldwin Home School: Forever, Lulu (1987)
Not to be confused with the Melanie Griffith/Patrick Swayze movie of the same name, Forever, Lulu (AKA Crazy Streets) is the 1987 comedy that marks the feature film debut of one Alec Baldwin. According to IMDb, he’d been floating around TV since 1980, most notably on Knots Landing. But since that season isn’t on DVD yet, we’re going to keep things simple and start here. Joining Alec is Debbie Harry of Blondie fame, and Hanna Schygulla, who I’d never heard of, but is apparently an incredibly well known German actress. See? We’re learning things already.

The Film
Schygulla stars as Elaine, a wannabe author living in New York. Her sleazy manager won’t publish her novel because it’s not sexy enough, but she refuses to compromise her artistic vision, even though she’s down to her last nickel. She’s so destitute that she ends up taking a job writing the script for a porn movie just to make ends meet. Not a bad premise for a late 80s comedy. Except that’s apparently not the premise.

I guess she finishes the porn script off-camera, because it’s barely mentioned again. Instead, we get scene after scene of Elaine’s miserable existence. She sulks in her shitty apartment, gets grifted by a con artist, and complains about her love life to her annoying gal-pal sidekick who is NOT Debbie Harry. Occasionally, Debbie shows up in the periphery to stare knowingly and say absolutely nothing. It’s as if she’s in the talky introduction of a music video and she’s waiting for her cue to break into song.

Finally, more than 20 minutes in (and not a Baldwin in sight), Elaine grabs a gun and prepares to blow her brains out. Unfortunately, she’s interrupted by a phone call to go on a blind date. She agrees, but the date goes so poorly that she ends up running into the street, waving her gun in the air, and yelling about her crappy life. An approaching couple mistakenly thinks she’s mugging them, so they give her their coats and run. In the pockets, she finds a picture of Debbie Harry signed “Forever, Lulu” and a mysterious address.  Now, the story begins!

There is no visual record of "Buck", so enjoy this picture of a young Baldwin posing for Young and Hairy Quarterly.

Well, kind of. First we get several more boring scenes of Elaine whining indecisively and parading around in her stolen mink coat. Some goon recognizes the coat (I think?) and tries to mug her, but she’s rescued handily by Buck, a strapping NYC cop portrayed by, you guessed it, Alec Baldwin. We’re 28 minutes in, but our hero has finally arrived to awkwardly hit on Elaine, get rejected, and then disappear again for most of the film.

Then a bunch of other crap happens. She goes to the address, witnesses a murder, and ends up stealing a briefcase full of money from the mob. So the mob’s looking for her and she’s got to decide what to do with the cash. It’s been like 45 minutes at this point, and I THINK this is now supposed to be the real premise of the film. Except all she does is sit around and brood some more before deciding to turn the case over to the cops.

Yep, no wacky Blank Check style spending spree, she just comes clean about the whole thing. But, she’s able to turn her story into a best-selling book! Now a famous author, she hobnobs with the rich and famous in another series of long, uneventful scenes. Meanwhile, gangsters halfheartedly try to kill her, and Debbie Harry continues to drop in to stand around silently. There’s also some oddly casual nudity from Schygulla, and an appearance by Wayne Knight as a shoe-licker in a fetish club. None of this actually advances the plot.

At about an hour and 15 minutes, the mobsters finally manage to capture Elaine and…I guess demand an apology? It’s pretty damn unclear what they actually want since she already told the police everything and doesn’t have the money anymore. Anyway, they’re about to kill her when Officer Baldwin makes his triumphant return and saves the day. In the process, the picture of Debbie Harry is splashed by some clearly-labeled Paul Newman salad dressing, which reveals a secret message!

The photo actually concealed the names of the city’s biggest drug dealers. Alec instantly recognizes the names, leading me to wonder why a list of already-known drug dealers would be at all valuable. At any rate, with the three thugs dead, clearly nobody will every bother Elaine again, so she and Alec celebrate by getting it on in the back of a dirty mob-owned fish market. In the last scene, Elaine finally runs into Debbie Harry, recognizes her as Lulu, kinda shrugs at the coincidence, and walks away.

Reaction
Obviously, Alec Baldwin wasn’t yet a star, so I wasn’t that shocked that he plays a glorified bit part. But I gotta tell you, for a film with the tagline “Two outrageous women are turning New York City upside-down!” I expected a story with at least two women. Take a look at the DVD cover again. It’s a production shot from that final scene, the only notable time Debbie Harry actually interacts with Hanna Schygulla. If all those wistful glances were supposed to be significant enough to elevate Harry to co-star status, I guess that significance was lost on me. And I don’t buy that the best friend is the other woman either, as she’s mostly an afterthought.

Anyway, no one was expecting the first film in Baldwin’s catalog to validate his career, and it certainly doesn’t, but he escapes mostly unscathed. In a movie that manages to feel interminable at 85 minutes, Baldwin’s scenes are a welcome relief. This is partly because he has the good fortune of being in the few scenes that actually shove the plot forward. But it’s also due to Baldwin’s undeniable likability, a theme I’m pretty sure we’ll see repeated as we continue our voyage up his IMDb page. His performance is hammy and one-dimensional here, but you just can’t help enjoying it at least a little.

So that’s our first Home School. I promise they won’t all be so long. Next time, we’ll take a look at She’s Having a Baby, which provides a bigger role for Baldwin and a bit more opportunity for critique.

Final Stats
Movie Rating:   4 out of 10
Baldwin Rating:   5 out of 10
Biggest Takeaway: Hanna Schygulla is difficult to watch when clothed. Further study needed.
Quote for Your Facebook Status: “Have you ever made love to an older woman in a fish store?”

I’ll be the first to admit that this photo really tell us nothing at all about the upcoming John Landis directed Burke and Hare.  Hell, for all we know, it could have been taken while a somewhat fat Simon Pegg and Andy Serkis bar-hopped around London dressed like 19th century Irish murderers.  Whatever the case, these pictures prove that Ryan and I did not invent the John Landis comeback story (or Chevy or Pee-wee for that matter), as some rival websites are now claiming…I’m looking at you, Entertainment Tonight Online Experience.  See all of the pics over at TotalFilm!

Next week on Critical End!…

Get ready for the Oscars, kids!  Oh, and Ryan starts the long road down Alec Baldwin’s “career”!

It’s been a while since we’ve said anything about the upcoming Nightmare on Elm Street remake.  Last we spoke, we were excited, with a slight hint of doubt.  Possibly because we didn’t know much about the actual characters.  Now that the film is only two months away, the first trailer has hit the internet (myspace, to be exact), and it’s somewhat of a downer mostly due to the fact that I feel like I’ve seen most of the film already.  Sure, it’s not as bad as the Death at a Funeral remake, but there’s enough scenes shot the exact same as the original that I’m sure this is going to make a great drinking game for dateless horror nerds.  Judge for yourself and feel free to let us know in the comment section:

A Nightmare on Elm Street Trailer 2 in HD

Trailer Park Movies | MySpace Video

This episode is a duly-appointed U.S. Podcast. REVIEWED: Shutter Island. PLUS: The Sense-Shattering Return of Spoiler Duck!

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It's like "Shutter Island", but without the Northern accents.

Tomorrow on the podcast you’ll get to hear our thoughts on this week’s box-office hit Shutter Island.  Best start warming up those mp3 players!  Until then, plan on spending some time on the only island that’s even more mysterious on tonight’s all new Lost!  Get caught up by checking out IGN’s excellent article on what the numbers might mean.

See you tomorrow!

Vigilante justice.

We’ve discussed the possibility before, but after the success (I think) of the recent HomeAway.com short, a new Vacation film is looking more and more likely.  This one supposedly features an adult Rusty, taking his family to Wally World one last time before it closes for good, leading me to wonder if they’ll title it Vacation 5: The Final Vacation.  The rumor is that the studio hopes to bring Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo along for the ride.

Now, I love Chevy.  And I love the Vacation movies.  But my question is, would this really be a good idea for Chevy’s career?  He’s just now sneaking his way back into the public consciousness with Community.  Yes, the HomeAway.com thing wasn’t a total failure, but if Chevy returns to one of his 80’s franchises, one that is generally known for lackluster sequels, might this end up being  a step backward in his return to comedy legend status?

I suppose it depends on two things:

1. The writing, which is reportedly being handled by at least one writer of The Geena Davis Show, so we should be in good hands.
2. The Rusty.  If Rusty is really taking the lead role here, as the plot rumors indicate, we need an adult actor who can fill the roll of the ever-revolving fruit of Chevy’s loins.  Ryan Reynolds comes to mind, but he’s probably too high profile for a Vacation sequel.  Plus he’ll be busy with Green Lantern and Deadpool.  Same problem with Paul Rudd.  Jason Lee is another Chevy devotee, and since My Name is Earl got canceled, he’s available.  The question is whether or not he’s bankable enough.

Of course this is all moot for me.  They’ve already got my money, as does Hot Tub Time Machine and any other Chevy comedy.  What about you guys?

[Via /Film]

Coooooooooooooooooookie Crisp! REVIEWED: The Wolf Man (1941), The Wolfman (2010).  PLUS: Some creepy stuff.

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