Critical End!

It’s once again that time of year when families gather around the warm glow of the television and watch such holiday classics as It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, Home Alone, and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation to name a few.  Sure, your pals here atCritical End! watch those too, but when the hour grows late, the fire has died down, and the kids from Ryan’s third marriage have all gone to bed, that’s when the real Christmas fun begins.  Logan mixes his “special” eggnog (Ingredients: Eggnog, mostly booze), while Ryan warms up the DVD player for those holiday slasher films known as Silent Night, Deadly Night.  This year, in honor of the birth of Christ our savior (Okay, and the release of Parts 3 to 5 on DVD), we thought we’d let Logan share his opinion on each film in a special 5 part series each week until Christmas. 

This week Logan looks at Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4. 

Body Count: 5 (…wha?  Only 5?!)

Best Death Scene: Whatever you do, NEVER beat Clint Howard with a broom.  It’ll make him mad enough to stab you to death with a butter knife.

I’ll be frank: I have no clue what the hell Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 was about.  I had a hard enough time trying to wrap my head around the odd arrangement of the title.  I think it involved bugs…no wait, that’s not right…I think it involved lesbian bugs.  Is that even possible?  What the hell is going on here?  All I remember for sure is that it started off so great…

Want to see this face do a whole lot of things that should be illegal? Rent this movie.

Picture this: We open on a cold, windy December night on some rat infested back street.  The city is quiet, save for a low clicking sound.  As the clicking grows louder, we realize that it’s the broken wheel on a shopping cart being pushed by a bum who hasn’t showered in weeks.  This bum: Clint Howard.  He stops his cart as something shiny catches his eye in the gutter.  Bum Clint Howard bends down and picks up the bug infested remains of a soggy hamburger.  Ever the happy go lucky hobo, he sighs and says to himself, “What?  No cheese?”  Suddenly a scream is heard!  Clint looks up just in time to see a woman jump from a building!  And she’s on fire too!  Freakin’ awesome!  Cut to: opening credits.  Sounds great, right?  Well, that’s about as good as this “movie” ever gets.  Not caring if I give too much away, I think we can safely say that this film is seriously crazy ass insane.  That’s not a good thing.  Ditching the Ricky/killer Santa story line completely, this film attempts to pull a Halloween III and take the franchise in a whole new direction.  The “story” this time has to do a young investigative reporter hot on the trail of a murder in which Bum Clint Howard is the only witness.  This would be okay if she wasn’t the WORST investigative reporter of all time.  Not only does she allow herself to get drugged twice, but at one unintentionally hilarious point in the film, she literally stands on a HUGE clue for an entire scene and never notices it.  Anyway, when she eventually wises up a bit too late, all of the evidence leads her into a second and third act that involves, and I kid you not, lesbian bugs.  Oh, and then the film gets weird: Cockroaches grow huge, Clint Howard watches clips from Silent Night, Deadly Night 3 while a couple has sex in a bed behind him, and the lead reveals she’s Jewish despite the Christmas theme of the film.  Around the time that Howard strapped a dildo to his face while three old women rubbed grease all over his hairy chest, I started to think that maybe somebody had spiked my eggnog.

Alas, that wasn’t the case.  Turns out that Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 is just as strange as it’s title.  What exactly the “initiation” mentioned in the title was, I can’t quite say.  All I do know for sure is that I some how survived it…and I will NOT be doing it again next Christmas.

Rating:
2 out of 10

Next week: Oh God, I have another week of this?!  After watching this film, I never want to see another movie again.  In fact, I now hate movies AND Christmas.  Damn, you Howard.  Sigh…next week the series comes to an end with a story about killer toys.  Oh, and I fully expect them to be killer lesbian toys as well.

MAJOR SPOILER ALERT…well, maybe.

While doing press rounds for Avatar it appears that Sigourney Weaver accidentally spilled the beans about a major plot point in the upcoming Ghostbusters 3.  I give you her exact quote:

“I might be in it; I see nothing wrong with being in it, although I don’t think I will have a big part. I think Bill Murray has a little more to do with it – he’s a ghost.”

Wow…really, Ghostbusters 3?  Are you aware that you haven’t even gone into production yet and you’ve succeeded at raping the characters that I loved all through my childhood?  I blame Judd Apatow.

Read the rest of what she said (Including the future of baby Oscar!) here.

Am I the only person excited about a Tron sequel?  Better question: Am I the only person who will pay to see a Tron sequel?  Disney released this teaser poster today which has made me even more excited.

 

Consider yourself teased.

It’s once again that time of year when families gather around the warm glow of the television and watch such holiday classics as It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, Home Alone, and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation to name a few.  Sure, your pals here at Critical End! watch those too, but when the hour grows late, the fire has died down, and the kids from Ryan’s third marriage have all gone to bed, that’s when the real Christmas fun begins.  Logan mixes his “special” eggnog (Ingredients: Eggnog, mostly booze), while Ryan warms up the DVD player for those holiday slasher films known as Silent Night, Deadly Night.  This year, in honor of the birth of Christ our savior (Okay, and the release of Parts 3 to 5 on DVD), we thought we’d let Logan share his opinion on each film in a special 5 part series each week until Christmas. 

This week Logan looks at Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!

Body Count: 11 (But once again, 3 of those are from clips of the first movie)

Best Death Scene: According to this film, the worst thing you could say to somebody in a coma is, “Who’s your favorite singer?  Perry Coma?”  Chances are they’ll wake up and kill you for telling lame jokes.

Let’s get one thing straight: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2, despite it’s awesome gayness, was not a box office hit…or maybe it was, but only because it cost around ten bucks and a six pack of Coors to make.  Whatever the case, the powers that be decided that it was time for the series to return to what made it huge in the first place: home video.  1989’s Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out! was the first of three direct to video sequels, and the only one not to feature Clint Howard.  For many, that’s all the review you’ll need to read right there.

BOO! Hey, kids! Mickey Rooney here to remind you that I hate these movies! See you in Part 5!

It’s been six years since Ricky went on his Christmas Eve killing spree.  It appears that he suffered some sort of head injury at the end of the last film that would cause a team of doctors to encase his brain in a glass dome.  While this sounds like the coolest thing since Jason got his hockey mask, it’s actually far, far from it.  Due to this, Ricky now stumbles around drooling and acting like Frankenstein’s monster, which, granted, isn’t that far from the way he acted in the last two films, now he just has an excuse.  Oh, and the movie finds every excuse possible to put him in a goofy hat to cover the dome.  This also isn’t as great as it sounds.  Why?  Because for some reason the director (who has the impossibly awesome name “Monte Hellman”), seemed to be under the impression that this was a drama.  The story concerns an annoying blind girl who has some sort of psychic connection with the dome-headed Ricky.  While it takes most crappy horror series a while to get to “the sequel with the hot clairvoyant chick” (see Friday the 13th Part VIII, or Halloween 6 in which said hot chick is Paul Rudd), the Silent Night, Deadly Night series must have known that it was going to fizzle out early and decided to jump the gun.  Anyway, for reasons beyond me, blind chick agrees to spend Christmas with her brother (one of two Twin Peaks stars who appear in the film), and his destined-to-have-a-nude-scene girlfriend.  Everything is going fine until Ricky literally hitchhikes to them (would you pick up a guy in a hospital gown with a glass dome on his head?) in an attempt to “connect” with annoying blind girl.  Oh, and for some reason I Spy‘s Robert Culp is there too, but only to promote some new gadget called a “cell phone”.  It’s all very loony.

While Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 1 was trashy fun, and Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 was a train wreck classic, Better Watch Out! is just bad.  It would appear that the killer Santa that outraged parents in 1984 had finally run it’s course, and as the series moved into the 90’s we all knew that there was only one thing that could save it…

Next week: …KILLER BUGS.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!
 Rating:
3 out of 10

 

I know you’re all tired of hearing me talk about Chevy Chase, but it was either this or an article about the upcoming Jackass 3D movie…

Clark Griswold is back.  Yes, you read that right.  It seems that both Chevy and Beverly D’Angelo will return to the roles in a upcoming Superbowl commercial for HomeAway.  What the hell is HomeAway?  Who cares!  Read the rest of the details here.

Meanwhile, have you heard they’re making a 3D Jackass movie?  ‘Tis true.

Your pals at Critical End! would like to wish a super happy birthday to Sir Chevy Chase (we’ve knighted him in our own minds).  Can you believe the man is 66 today?!  Most people don’t know that Chevy didn’t become the household name that he is today until around his 32 birthday when he first started getting noticed on some show called NBC’s Saturday Night.  I wonder what ever happened to that forgotten gem?
Speaking of great moments in Chevy history, Ryan and I have listed our five all-time favorite Chevy films below.  In celebration of this special day, why not take a few hours to get reacquainted with one of the greatest comedians of all time?

Ryan’s Top Five Chevy Picks
1.  Caddyshack
2.  Three Amigos!
3.  Fletch
4.  National Lampoon’s Vacation
5.  National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Logan’s Top Five Chevy Picks
1.  Caddyshack
2.  National Lampoon’s Vacation
3.  Fletch
4.  Three Amigos!
5.  Spies Like Us

And finally…news hit the web yesterday about a rumored fifth Vacation film from New Line Cinema.  However, I couldn’t find a single website that had a source on this, so I’ve decided to hold off reporting the “details” for now.  Just be aware that this could possibly exist outside of my dreams within the next few years.  More info to come.

Happy Chevy Chase Day, kids. 

Dead franchises and dead podcasts abound this week as Logan and Ryan look back on the Final Destination series while simultaneously looking back at themselves by way of rare archive recordings of the Final Destination episode of their old show, PodCorn. REVIEWED: The Final Destination and its ilk. PLUS: Weiners.

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We whip out some occlumency in an attempt to divine how Michael Gambon ever got cast as Dumbledore. REVIEWED: Six Harry Potter films. PLUS: Chris Columbus: Overrated? Underrated? Rated appropriately?

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It’s thirty minutes of bile, robots, and the most anyone’s ever talked about Shia LaBeouf in one sitting. REVIEWED: Transformers, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. PLUS: Someone’s more racist than Logan!

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Everything I know about dancing I learned from repeat viewings of this movie.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter Rating:
Crispin Glover’s “Dead Fuck” Dance Rating:

We unlock the conspiracy behind how the same two guys can write both Reno 911! and Herbie Fully Loaded. REVIEWED: Night at the Museum, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. PLUS: Racism!

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1. NASCAR? Really, Final Destination series?

2. If you’re going to reference the fact that this is the fourth movie in a series that started ten years ago, why not just call it em>Final Destination 4? My guess? They lost count.

3. “Death saved the best…..FOR 3D!” may be one of the best tag lines ever.

4. NASCAR?! I mean…really? I guess after the roller coaster opening of the third film (meaning that there actually WAS a roller coaster. It wasn’t that exciting), the series had no where else to go except to the thrilling world of NASCAR.

5. NASCAR again. Not to keep driving this point home (pun intended. Zing!), but isn’t this pretty much the same opening as Final Destination 2? You know, the one with all of the cars on the interstate? I think it is. In fact, it looks to me like they just took that opening and CG’d some NASCAR logos in. LAME.

6. I can not wait to see this movie.

Bryan Singer loves the X-Men almost as much as he loves making out with Frank Langella. And that's A LOT.

Well, okay, he doesn’t say that exactly. But when asked about the third X-film, which Brett Ratner directed while he was doing Superman Returns, Singer replied “It’s weird for me to watch it, because I’m so close to the universe. And also Brett is a good friend of mine. But, of course, I would love to return to that universe.” That sounds like disappointment to me.

He goes on to say he’d be interested in doing another X-Men film. To which I said, in a recent interview, “Yes please.” Too bad all the interesting characters are dead, depowered, or wussies now. Thanks, Ratner.

[SuperHeroHype.com]

Between films Ramis loves to dress up as "that dude from Cast Away"

The ink hasn’t even dried on the first draft of Ghostbusters 3 yet and it’s already sucking.  Granted, it’s hard to judge a movie that at this point isn’t even fully on paper, but from what HAS been confirmed, this is most likely going to suck.  I can think of three reasons right now:

1. According to an interview that Harold Ramis gave MTV, “there will be young ghostbusters.” I hate the whole sequel where the awesome people from the first films now play old fat people who sit in a room and give advice until the third act when they finally put the uniform back on thing.  I mean, why even bother?  In my own happy little world (Loganland, if you will) the original Ghostbusters are ageless and Bill Murray never became a hipster icon (more on that in a sec).

2. Judd Apatow is producing.  I think this one explains itself.  I’m kind of surprised that he isn’t producing Crank 2 as well.  I’m sure he’s working on it.

3. You knew it was coming…ahem…a few words on Bill Murray:  I’m not quite sure when (I’m thinking after he didn’t get an Oscar nom for Rushmore), but at some point Hollywood and the movie going public finally begin to realize that Bill Murray is, quite frankly, a complete asshole.  On top of that, his entire “I only do films where I get to look at the camera and be depressed” schtick got old about fourteen films ago.  The only people I know who still like the man all wear skinny jeans and love to use the word “indie” to describe every DVD and CD in their collection.  Oddly enough, these same people have never seen or heard of Caddyshack.

My favorite scene in "Broken Flowers"

Even Ramis himself is getting in on some of the Murray bashing.  In the same MTV interview, Ramis joked that “Bill Murray is just waiting for the truckload of money to arrive to get him out of his office.”  He went on to say that while he has talked exclusively to Aykroyd about the film, he has yet to speak to Murray.  He must be too busy working on Wes Anderson’s newest film Depressed Brothers With Daddy Issues.

What was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, Ghostbusters 3.  I can’t wait.

Pet Sematary Two is not a good movie. I doubt that’s a surprise to you since you were probably aware that its predecessor Pet Sematary is also not a good movie (despite a great, true-to-the-book performance by Fred Gwynne). I’m not here to review those movies.

Although…

Pet Sematary
Rating:

Pet Sematary Two
Rating:

Now. I want to communicate two things about Pet Sematary Two. First, it’s a movie that actively rips off other Stephen King movies. Obviously, there’s Pet Sematary, but you’ve got the coming-of-agey kid protagonists from Stand by Me, the demonic dog from Cujo, and the antagonist breaking through a door scene from The Shining. They get tantalizingly close to the end of Carrie, but cut away just in time.

Second, this movie has tons of potential as your goto Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon movie. It’s an odd little nexus of obscure actors. We’ve got Edward Furlong of T2 fame, Anthony Edwards of ER and Revenge of the Nerds, Jared Rushton the bully from Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Darlanne Fluegel the evil doctor from the third Darkman, and my personal favorite Clancy Brown whose voice I was trying to place the entire time until I looked him up and realized he was Mr. Krabs from Spongebob.

So if you’re trying to connect Rick Moranis to Schwarzenegger or George Clooney to Arnold Vosloo, there ya go.