Critical End!

It’s no secret that Eli Roth is my favorite horror director of recent years (cue hate mail), so I was both extremely happy and extremely all like “Huh?” when I read this story over at MTV movies. I know you don’t have time to read it, what with your busy online schedule of keeping up with everything that your ex is doing on Facebook (that slut).

I’ll hit the three highlights:

1. The “Huh?” news? Roth is trying to get his first big honkin’ budget movie made. So, what’s it about? I’ll let him take it from here:

“I don’t want to give away the title yet, because I have to make sure I own it 100%, but it’s going to be something that is really fun with lots of mass destruction. I wanted to do something along the lines of Transformers or Cloverfield that was a little more science fiction-based, and with lots of chaos and mass destruction. I don’t want to say what [the monster is] yet. Once it gets set up, I will let everyone know. It is not aliens or robots or a virus – it’s a little more grounded. But when people hear it they are going to be like That is going to be insane!”

Okay, Roth, I’m intrigued. I can only hope that it’s better than, well, Transformers or Cloverfield.

2. Okay, so this isn’t really a highlight so much as a comment: When did MTV start scoring all the good movie scoops? This is the third time that your pals at Critical End! have linked to their site and I’m kinda getting tired of it. Each time I feel like I lose a bit more of my soul. Where was I? Oh, yes…

3. The extremely exciting news: It also would appear that Roth is finally getting around to making Thanksgiving! Roth again:

“The plan is this: I want to do a huge budget movie, but tack on three weeks to the end of it and shoot Thanksgiving. I want to do an $80 million dollar movie, and then schedule three weeks at the end to quickly shoot a $5 million dollar movie.”

What’s all this hooplah? Some of you may recall Roth’s way way way over the top faux trailer to Thanksgiving in the mediocre Grindhouse. If so, you may realize why I’m so excited. In little under three minutes, Roth managed to parody and pay tribute to the slasher genre in such a way that I wanted to stand up and cheer after it was over…but then Tarantino’s Death Proof came on and I fell asleep.

Anyway, in case you missed it, check out the awesomeness below. That is all.

Rodriguez with that guy from "Lord of the Rings" Wait, Frank Miller? I mean, Frank Miller. Sorry.

Remember when Robert Rodriguez once made awesome movies that involved things like gigantic explosions, casual nudity, guitar cases with guns inside, and Quentin Tarantino’s weiner melting off?  Awesome, right?  Okay, now remember when you paid all that money to see three, count ’em, THREE retarded Spy Kids movies?  I mean, they just kept getting worse, didn’t they?

Well, it would seem that three Spy Kids films weren’t enough to satisfy Rodriguez’s need to entertain nobody but his kids.  Case in point: The trailer for his newest film, Shorts.  I’m starting to think that his trademark cowboy hat may be on a little too tight…that or he’s trying to cover male pattern baldness.  You never know.

Between films Ramis loves to dress up as "that dude from Cast Away"

The ink hasn’t even dried on the first draft of Ghostbusters 3 yet and it’s already sucking.  Granted, it’s hard to judge a movie that at this point isn’t even fully on paper, but from what HAS been confirmed, this is most likely going to suck.  I can think of three reasons right now:

1. According to an interview that Harold Ramis gave MTV, “there will be young ghostbusters.” I hate the whole sequel where the awesome people from the first films now play old fat people who sit in a room and give advice until the third act when they finally put the uniform back on thing.  I mean, why even bother?  In my own happy little world (Loganland, if you will) the original Ghostbusters are ageless and Bill Murray never became a hipster icon (more on that in a sec).

2. Judd Apatow is producing.  I think this one explains itself.  I’m kind of surprised that he isn’t producing Crank 2 as well.  I’m sure he’s working on it.

3. You knew it was coming…ahem…a few words on Bill Murray:  I’m not quite sure when (I’m thinking after he didn’t get an Oscar nom for Rushmore), but at some point Hollywood and the movie going public finally begin to realize that Bill Murray is, quite frankly, a complete asshole.  On top of that, his entire “I only do films where I get to look at the camera and be depressed” schtick got old about fourteen films ago.  The only people I know who still like the man all wear skinny jeans and love to use the word “indie” to describe every DVD and CD in their collection.  Oddly enough, these same people have never seen or heard of Caddyshack.

My favorite scene in "Broken Flowers"

Even Ramis himself is getting in on some of the Murray bashing.  In the same MTV interview, Ramis joked that “Bill Murray is just waiting for the truckload of money to arrive to get him out of his office.”  He went on to say that while he has talked exclusively to Aykroyd about the film, he has yet to speak to Murray.  He must be too busy working on Wes Anderson’s newest film Depressed Brothers With Daddy Issues.

What was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, Ghostbusters 3.  I can’t wait.

Yes, I am aware that most people know what Star Trek is at this point, but if you cut the title off of Paramount’s latest poster, this thing would look like an ink blot test.  That being said, am I the only one who sees a bunny wearing a silly hat?  Yeah, I thought so.

Less than 24 hours after my last post about how unfortunate it was that the adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis’ The Informers was heading straight to DVD, I received an email from the fine people over at Senator Distribution assuring me that I needn’t fear.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it would seem that your ol’ Uncle Logan shouldn’t believe every fanboy rumor that he reads on the Internet.

What I should have said:

Hey, kids! The Informers looks like it’s going to be completely awesome!  And you know what?  It’s going to be in theaters April 24th, which is less than a month away!  I read some rumor online about it going straight to DVD.  Luckily, I was smart enough to fact check a few things first before I ran that unbelievable story.  How dumb would it be if I didn’t take the time to do that, huh?  Blah blah blah I’m Logan and I like movies blah blah blah…

Senator Distribution was also kind enough to send over some great EPK material, including clips and stills from the movie.  In the days leading up to the release, I’ll make sure and throw some of that up as a teaser to try and get more of you into the theater seats.  Until then, here is what you need to know:

1. None of that straight to DVD nonsense.  It’ll be in theaters April 24th.
2. I can not apologize enough for the mistake.
3. According to a great website I just found, Big Foot is being held in a military prison base outside of Dalton, GA.  Release the Foot!

Bret Easton Ellis. Don't worry. He's never heard of you either.

NOTE: This article is slightly inaccurate, specifically the news that The Informers is going straight to DVD.  The film will actually be in theaters April 24, 2009.  More information can now be found here.

Is it wrong of me to think that Bret Easton Ellis’ American Psycho is one of the funniest novels ever written?  Wait.  You know what?  I’ll even take that a step further: American Psycho is the funniest AND most important novel of the nineties.  That’s right, I said it.  So why is it that most people still have no clue who Bret Easton Ellis is?  Maybe it’s because nobody quite understands him, myself included.

And nobody misunderstands him more than Hollywood.  Granted, the film versions of American Psycho and The Rules of Attraction have both been beyond excellent*, but we can’t forget about the Ellis disowned double feature of Less Than Zero and (sigh) American Psycho 2: All American Girl.  Like many of the best authors, his work has been called unfilmable, but hey…that’s never stopped Hollywood before.

Christian Bale in a scene you didn't see in Newsies.

Enter The Informers.  Based on the 1994 book of linked short stories by the same name, The Informers has always been my least favorite of Ellis’ novels.  It’s still worthy of a fine 7 out of 10, and I could spend all day telling you why, but this isn’t a book review site, so let’s just cut to the chase. No other Ellis novel screams “movie adaptation” more than The Informers. The stories are short, easy to understand (kinda), and feature some of his best satire of none other than the city of Los Angles itself.  I’m kind of surprised Hollywood didn’t make this movie three years ago.

Except they did.  See, The Informers has been sitting on the shelf for over three years and I can’t quite explain why.  With a cast that features Kim Basinger, Billy Bob Thornton, Winona Ryder, Chris Isaak, and the now bankable again Mickey Rourke, it should have been a sure thing.  Maybe it’s the fact that the novel also features club hopping vampires and gay aliens that scared the studios away.

Whatever the reason, it was announced last week that The Informers is now going straight to DVD, which must be both pleasing and insulting to Bret Easton Ellis.  Despite all the drama, I have to admit that I can’t wait.  Check out the trailer for yourself below and let me know what you think.  In the meantime, if you read this far than you now know who Bret Easton Ellis is.  That makes me happy.

(Note: This trailer is HIGHLY uncensored, so you might want to remove any children or small pets from the room now)

*As crazy as this may make me sound, American Psycho is one of three films in my top ten favorites that has the word “psycho” in the title. It is joined by Hitchcock’s Psycho and Charles Busch’s hilarious Psycho Becah Party. Needless to say, I’m a hit at parties.

Some of you may recall that David Wain and I had a rather messy break-up back here. Things were said that we both regret. Luckily, we both believe in happy endings (combined with drunken one night stands), which is why I’m happy to announce that Wain and I are now back together!

In other words: Wain is not directing Little Fockers.

CHUD stole all of the really good jokes about this, so check out the full story here. Meanwhile, our next podcast should be up soon, so why not stay in this weekend and refresh this site until you see it? Just a thought…

HELLS YEAH.

Dear NBC,

Do you even need to test this pilot? The answer is clearly no. Just air it no questions asked. I will forever love you and forgive you for Andy Barker, P.I. Please? Did I mention that I’m also sick and dying from…um…cancer (yeah, that’s a good one). Cancer and AIDS actually. My AIDS have cancer. It’s all very very sad. Really, NBC. Could you say no to this face?

I loves the Chevy!

While it’s close enough to April 1st that you may think I’m just joking around here, I must assure you that I am not. Here goes:

The Sci Fi Channel has decided to change it’s name to…wait for it…the Syfy Channel.

When you’re done reading that last sentence over again for the fifth time, read more about it here.

So why the change? Because Dave Howe, president of the Sci Fi Channel- oh, I’m sorry. I mean, the Syfy Channel (do you really want that on your business card, Mr. Howe?) is working under the impression that most proper spellings should be changed to the way people text them. Here’s the actual quote from Howe to tell you more:

“When we tested this new name, the thing that we got back from our 18-to-34 techno-savvy crowd, which is quite a lot of our audience, is actually this is how you’d text it. It made us feel much cooler, much more cutting-edge, much more hip, which was kind of bang-on what we wanted to achieve communication-wise.”

When pressed for further details, Lowe said that he really had to get “B2W TTYL” but did assure the reporters that they were all his “BFFL”.

Okay, try to stick with me on this one: Hank and Mike takes place in a world where Easter bunnies are real. No, wait. Let me clarify that: By “real” I mean guys in bunny suits. Well, not bunny “suits” so much as they are actual bunnies. That’s right. This is a world where Easter bunnies (that look like slackers in pink bunny suits) exist AND they break into your house every Easter and leave little chocolate candy eggs. That’s their job. That’s what they do and they love it. This is a serious business they run. Confused yet? I might need to make a chart or something.

Thomas Michael and Paolo Mancini (who also wrote the film) star as Hank and Mike, two Easter bunnies who find themselves out of a job when the company decides to cut back. As you know, Easter is a “second tier” holiday, and it seems that the company they work for, Easter Inc., is losing money to bigger holidays. Enter Conrad Hubriss (a very greasy and evil Chris Klein) who decides that it’s time to lay off a bunny or two. This is unheard of. What else could an Easter bunny possibly do in the workplace?

I’m sure at this point you’re thinking that all of this sounds very cute. Two lovable guys in pink bunny suits, right? How wrong you are. They drink. They get high. There are even a few bunny sex scenes thrown in for good measure. Folks, this is one crazy movie full of R rated bunny lovin’ and definitely not aimed at the wee ones.

But it’s also funny. Just as the amusement of two grown men in pink bunny suits (can not stress that enough) begins to wear thin, the movie finds funnier and funnier situations to place them in. The scenes in the unemployment office are especially hilarious. One of them also develops something of an office romance for a human girl. The movie manages to make this heartwarming and somewhat respectful. Wow. I can’t believe I just typed that.

Hot human/bunny sex aside, this movie isn’t for everybody. It’s uneven at times, milks too many laughs from the main characters debauchery, and a side plot involving corporate sponsored suicides (yes, you read that right) is no where near as funny as the movie seems to think it is.

But on the other hand, it’s a movie about guys in pink bunny suits. Have I said that yet? Well, if not, I can assure you that it’s worth seeing for that alone.

Rating:
6 out of 10

Well, it had to happen: A few days after I post on here about how super cool amazing awesome David Wain is, Hollywood had to go and kill all of my dreams yet again. It seems that his name is now attached as the possible director of the next chapter in the Meet the Parents saga, the highly groan worthy Little Fockers. Do you get the title joke yet? In case you missed it with the second sequel, Meet the Fockers, the word “Fockers” sounds a whole lot like a certain dirty word! Which one? Ass, I think.

Anyway, nothing is set in stone yet, but I was upset enough to feel the need to get the word out. For now let’s just ignore all of this and concentrate on the good Wain news of the week: Role Models is on DVD tomorrow! Hot Dog! Wain, you goofy lug! I can’t stay made at you!

Love The State/Stella’s David Wain? Live in or around New York City? Trying to get a role in one of those hot NYC shows but the Sex in the City casting director said you weren’t “hip” enough? (That’s one casting director who will rue the day they turned down Logan Lee, esq.)

Then has David Wain got a part for you! Granted, it’s as an extra, and you apparently need to be a goofy “out there party type”, but this is your chance to chat with Wain and tell him how much you enjoyed that one scene in Wet Hot American Summer. Yeah, you know the one……classic. Anyway, follow the link if you’re interested and make sure you let us know all about the experience.

No clue what Wainy Days is? Start getting excited about the new season by watching this:

Remember how they once turned Broadway musicals into movies?

Yeah, neither do I.

In related news, I’ve decided to skip seeing Bride Wars in theaters, as I’m sure I’ll be able to catch it on Broadway in a year or so.

Seconds before breaking into the hit song Your Wedding Can Suck It!

STELLA!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the actual French poster for the upcoming Wolverine. Any wacky captions you may have will be greatly appreciated.

Yeah, I blog on a typewriter. Got a problem with that?

Dear Diary,

It started off just like any other day: After crying myself to sleep, I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and quickly started off to work.

I arrived at the office slightly late (I had to return home at one point to put on some pants), but took the back stairs anyway to avoid Tina, the receptionist, as I still haven’t returned her calls. Unfortunately, I ran into my supervisor, Steve, who yelled at me for constantly being late. Luckily, I know just how to deal with Steve.

“Shove it up your butt, motorcycle man!” I yelled at him before locking myself in my office and throwing a file cabinet in front of the door. Yup, it looked like I had another splendid day of solitaire and match.com in store for me!

However, as I sat at my desk, a strange feeling came over me, and I had to stop and think (see picture). What was that feeling? At first I thought that it might be a small newt of some sort that crawled into my ear and laid eggs on my frontal lobe, but then I remembered what my psychiatrist said about how unlikely that was to happen. Hmmm…oh! I know! Critical End! Diary, you won’t believe some of the amazing things that have happened over the past month at critical-end.com! It’s totally righteous!

First off, the highly awesome folks over at Chattarati.com said some great things about us. They compared us to other film critics, saying that we are “certainly way more funny” (actual quote) and even “completely squeezable” (I made that one up). It was very overwhelming. Thanks guys!

Also, we finally launched our About page! Not only are there some frequently asked questions about our site listed there, but also a nifty way to check out our complete IMDB ratings and even fan us on Netflix. It’s all incredibly, for lack of a better word, sexellent.

Well, diary, that’s about it. I’ll make sure to write in you again before the big sock hop rolls around. I do hope that Laura asks me out. She’s ever so dreamy!

Have a bitchin’ summer,

logan