Critical End!

Every Christmas for the past six years I’ve had a chance to eat dinner, play pool, or just hang out with Chevy Chase.  And have I done it?  No.  I mean, I’m a clinically obsessed Chevy fan.  Shouldn’t I be first in line to make all sorts of Caddyshack II references during a game of billiards with Ty Webb himself?*

I would if I had $3,250.

That’s the current going rate on this years 7th Annual Chevy Chase Green School Auction.  That $3,250 is kind of cheap when you consider that it’s for brunch with the Griswold’s themselves, Chevy and Beverly D’angelo.  The description promises even more wacky fun:

You will be a part of all the laughs and personal anecdotes (without the disasters!) from this hilarious pair as you are treated to a delectable brunch in the Griswold style! 

I’m not sure what the “Griswold style” is, but COUNT. ME. IN.  I assume it means Chevy will spill stuff all over me, trip the waiter by accident, and Ethan Embry may show up only because he needs the work.  All of this is worth way more than $3,250.

It’s only one of several things Chevy has talked his pals into doing this year for charity.  See the rest of the list here, and start buying for me now!  My personal favorite is a chance to hang out with Chevy and the cast of Community on the set.  Only $1,000 right now?!  That’s cheap!

*I tried to find the billiard scene in question on YouTube, but alas, I guess everybody hates Caddyshack II.  Anyway, it’s worth watching just to see Chevy’s excellent shtick.

Back in June, you may recall us posting the first promotional shot from the upcoming Hugh Jackman “film” Real Steel, or as Dreamworks is referring to it, Real Steal. 

Yeah, yeah.  I know that’s a terrible joke, but check out this trailer.  Dreamworks is practically reaching into my pocket and taking money from me.  The only believable line in the entire trailer is Jackman yelling “Let’s make some money!”, because, let’s face it, that’s exactly what this film is going to do.  I don’t quite think we’re talking about the next Avatar here, but perhaps Transformers for sure.  Sigh.

Picture from the upcoming Robin Hood music video, "Here Comes the Wicky Wicky Wild Wild Jiggy Robin Hood"

Long story short: The Wachowski brothers siblings, Andy and LarryLana Wachowski, are in the early stages of adapting a new Robin Hood film.  The “twist”?   It’s going to be set in a modern, urban society, which I guess screams “black Robin Hood”.  Hence: Will Smith.

So let’s look at what we have: Will Smith in a modern take of the Robin Hood tale?  Sounds fine…if it were 1998.  Honestly: We really don’t need another Robin Hood film, modern, urban society or not.  Ridly Scott already released his “true” version of the story earlier this year, and while it wasn’t a terrible film, it really felt like I had seen it all before.  And Will Smith has so many movies in the works that remind us how awesome he was a few years back, it’s ridiculous.  Here’s a quick list from IMDB: Bad Boys 3, I, Robot 2, Independence Day 2, Men in Black 3, I Am Legend 2, and I kid you not, Independence Day 3.  

As for the Wachowski  brothers siblings, Andy and LarryLana Wachowski, I gave up on you guys gentlemen people long before the credits for The Matrix Reloaded started rolling.

via Collider

Apologies for the headline, but truth be told, so many people are concerned about the whole Mel Gibson side of this trailer that they’re completely missing out on all sorts of wonderful Jodie Foster “beaver” jokes.

Anyway, the trailer itself has me intrigued.  Visually, the film looks wonderful, and it’s packing more emotion than I expected from a film about a talking beaver.  However, even if it looks good or turns out to be great, will it ever get the respect it fully deserves?  Perhaps.  History continues to prove that people are ready to forgive Mel, especially since it looks like no charges are going to be filed against him.

Let us know what you think below.  Truthfully? I’ll buy a ticket.

Looks like it's back to work for boob master Eli Roth!

And that title is…Piranha 3DD! 

Seriously.  I may be alone here, but Ithink that’s a brilliant title.  I can pretty much already see the 3D boobs on the poster, and as we all know, 3D boobs pack those theater seats.  Hollywood even has a formula for this:

3D boobies = Money in bank

Have a great weekend, kids.

It’s been a while since we’ve talked about Community, which is strange since some weeks I feel we’re contractually obligated to do so.  Check out this clip from the upcoming animated episode and share your thoughts.

Despite the fact that they all kind of look like meth heads (I understand that this is a common problem with stop-motion animation), I’m really digging this.  They even pegged Chevy’s comic reaction exactly right, which can’t be easy.

The Community animated Christmas episode airs December 9th.

If you’re anything like me (sexy, funny, and loved by women the world over), you most likely spent a day, or perhaps even two, at your local cineplex this past holiday weekend.  However, while most of you dorkie nerdo’s were there to watch the usual holiday blockbuster and eat large bags of overly buttered popcorn, I was there working.  That’s right, even on the holidays, your pals at Critical End! are pulling overtime.  Anyway, here’s the lowdown on two new posters I saw.  Let me know what you dorkie nerdos think.

First up is a poster for a movie that I’m really looking forward to…Taken 2!

What do you mean this isn’t Taken 2?  Liam Neeson has a gun, for chrissake!  And look at that car!  It’s totally flying through the air all Liam Neeson style!  And you’re telling me this isn’t Taken 2?  Whatev.  Unrelated: What happened to that one side of Liam’s face?

Moving on, here’s a poster for a movie I was excited about…until I saw the poster.

I recall seeing some very awesome looking promo shots for this film.  None of them featured a badly CG’d alien.  I also recall thinking that this was going to be the one film coming out in 2011 that didn’t feature Seth Rogan in some capacity.  I’m slightly disappointed, producers of Hot Fuzz.  Unrelated: This apparently isn’t Taken 2 either.  I checked.

Hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving weekend.  Next stop: X’mas!     

When I was little, I was the only kid in the world who would ride around the neighborhood on my bike pretending to be Frank Drebin.  I even hummed the Police Squad! theme song for added effect.  Frank was a hero.  He was a tough cop who always got the girl, but I think what really appealed to me at that age was his ability to be a complete buffoon so gracefully.  He didn’t even care.

I grew up watching Leslie Nielsen play the same part in other movies, but like most people, I didn’t care.  I was so enchanted with the man in any role, that it didn’t matter if it was mostly the same role or not.  What mattered was that Nielsen was a genius at what he was doing, and that was making us laugh.      

I didn’t plan to post this today, and honestly, I’m heartbroken to do so.  On behalf of comedy fans all of the world, we’ll miss you, Mr. Nielsen.

Here at Critical End! we’re proud of our knowledge of holiday themed horror movies.  Why, if it weren’t for us, you wouldn’t know the true, god-awful horror of such “classics” like Valentine, Leprechaun, and Silent Night Deadly Night Parts 1 through 5. What’s our secret?  Simply put: We know that you would rather spend the holidays with your family and not watching some shitty horror movie featuring Clint Howard or a killer leprechaun.  That being said, it’s with a humble heart that I ask you to ditch your family this Thanksgiving Thursday and go out of your way to watch a little holiday themed horror film proudly called ThanksKilling.

“But, Logan,” I can can hear you whining.  “I love my family and the time spent with them!”  Yeah, well your family sucks.  This movie doesn’t.  Okay, it kinda does.  But that’s the point.  Stick with me, folks.

The tagline says it all.

ThanksKilling opens on a cue card telling us that we’re about to see the very first Thanksgiving.  It then quickly cuts to boobs.  Pilgrim boobs, that is, and not just any pilgrim boobs.  Running pilgrim boobs.  And what happens when there’s no place else for pilgrim boobs to run?  A talking turkey kills her with an axe.  Smash cut to opening credits playing over what can best be described as a remix of the Halloween theme with added “gobbles” mixed in, and I suddenly realized that something magical was unfolding on my TV screen: A horror holiday film the likes of which I hadn’t seen since Jack Frost.

There’s what you might call a plot.  Some college students are heading home for Thanksgiving break and their car breaks down.  They party and flirt, and once they get all of the wiener and tit jokes out of the way, things get going.  You guessed it: A killer turkey starts stalking and killing them one by one.  An attempt, of sorts, is made to explain the origins of the killer turkey, but I won’t bore you with the details.  Let’s just say it involves and ancient pilgrim curse and flash animation. 

The probelm is, all of this is kinda awesome.  I would go as far as to say that there are some genuinely funny moments.  Sure, the actors aren’t the best, but they understand how to play it all very “wink wink”, without completly tipping the hat.  There’s even a Trey Parker-ish musical number.  And the turkey…well, all you really need to know is that he kills people, wears disguises, and talks. 

Proof that you will like this movie.

Until Eli Roth gets around to actually making Thanksgiving, this is the most fun you’re going to have at Thanksgiving, next to Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, of course.  So ditch the boring family this year and check it out.  Oh, and ThanksKilling is currently a Watch Instantly on Netflix, which makes it a perfect way to spend those last few hours of Thanksgiving night before you nod off.  Your smelly uncle won’t mind.

Rating:
7 out of 10.

…why not make it a movie night?  And since this film doesn’t fully exist yet…

…why not get the family together and watch this one instead?

Full review coming this Tuesday.  See you back here then.

Listen folks, I love and miss Dan Aykroyd just as much as the next guy, but I’ve noticed a few things as of late:

1. He apparently eats his weight in butter chunks once a day.  However, I don’t fault him for this.  I plan to do the same when butter chunk prices go down.

2. He needs to lay off of the UFO and ghost stuff.  It’s all he’s talked about over the past few years.  Which leads to number 3…

3. He’s gone fucking batshit crazy.  Don’t believe me?

Remember this blast from the recent past?  I dare you to make it through all 8 minutes of this “video”.  I made it to around the 6 minute mark before I realized that this wasn’t a joke.  No, ladies and gentlemen, he’s for reals.

I also have to wonder how his new-found batshit craziness is going to affect the script to Ghostbusters 3.  Oh, and in related news: I want a case of this for Christmas.  I mean, it comes in a freakin’ glass skull, people.

No time to talk, folks! I have to get back to remaking "Rushmore" again!

Hey kids, did you hear?  Wes Anderson has announced his next film!  It’s called Moon Rise Kingdom and *yawn*.  Oh my.  Excuse me.  How unprofessional.  I apologize.  Where was I?  Oh yeah.  Deadline is reporting that the cast is shaping up to look like Edward Norton, Tilda Swinton, Bill Murray, and *yawns and nods off*

What?  Oh, hey.  Sorry.  Just got sleepy all of the sudden.  What was I talking about?  Oh, yeah.  Wes Anderson.  I- *ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*.

In all seriousness, this is a real film that’s happening and it’s just as boring as it sounds.  If anybody needs me I’ll be sleeping on the Z key.

…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzz…

Hi. I'm Joe Dante and I approve of this message. Now if you'll excuse me, I must get back to being amazing.

The Howling is the best werewolf movie of all time.  Don’t think so?  Let’s look at the the facts: Joe Dante directed.  Robert Picardo is creepy as all get out.  The effects by Rob Bottin and Rick Baker still amaze.  Dick Miller chases off a bunch of nuns.  Hell, even Roger Corman shows up to parody himself.  The only other werewolf film that even comes close to this amount of awesomeness is John Landis’ An American Werewolf in London.  So, yes, when a film is this strikingly magnificent it’s only a matter of time before Hollywood remakes it.

Which is not happening.

Instead somebody at Anchor Bay thinks we want another Howling sequel.  I kid you not.  It’s been 15 years since The Howling VII: New Moon Rising hit video shelves, and even longer since anybody cared, yet Moonstone Entertainment/Anchor Bay thinks that there’s still enough interest in the series to now warrant The Howling Reborn.  I guess they’re also ignoring the fact that most of us stopped watching the Howling sequels about five minutes into The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (actual title, I swear to God).

Head over to CHUD for the full story.  I’ll plan to see this film only if Dick Miller shows up in the middle of the first act and chases the cast and crew off.  Good riddance.

Remember the ’90’s?  I sure do.  Saturday night.  Me and my skeleton crew would get together, walk to the abandoned drive- in, hook-up my Super Nintendo, and play “F-Zero” and “Zelda” until dawn.  Sure, time’s were tough, but back then we were playing with power.  Super power. 

Oh, and Paul Rudd was there.  Did I mention that?

I post this mainly because it’s awesome and I love it.  I also love Paul Rudd’s hair in it.  That is all.

It’s a slow news day, so I’m going to be a little more self-indulgent than usual today… 

Seeing that we’re still celebrating the 20th anniversary of Twin Peaks, I thought I’d post one of my favorite blasts from the pasts.  People tend to forget that during it’s first season, Twin Peaks was not only the highest rated show on television, but a cultural phenomenon.  A quick YouTube search will find you all sorts of wonderful parodies, both new and old, but my personal favorite is still Sesame Street‘s “MonsterpieceTheater” episode with Alistair Cookie.  Not only is it a riot for Peaks freaks (and mostly confusing for everybody else), but it’ll also lead you to spend an entire lunch hour watching old episodes of “Monsterpiece Theater”.*  Enjoy!

*Ryan reccomeneds “The 39 Stairs”, made by guy named Alfred.