Critical End!

With Labor Day weekend at hand, I thought I’d cram a lot of awesomness into one mega post.

First up, James Cameron thinks he owns the concept of 3D and takes it upon himself to call out Piranha 3D as “exactly an example of what we should not be doing in 3-D.”  This prompts Piranha producer Mark Canton to point out that not everyone can “take ten years using other people’s money to make and market a film.”  All I can say is that there was ritual mating in both movies and the fish film did it right.

Shamelessly stolen from cbsnews.com

Elsewhere, I Watch Stuff reports that CBS reports that 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair report that nobody gives a crap how evil Mel Gibson is.  76% of those polled said that the scandal would have no effect on their likelihood of seeing a new Mel Gibson movie. If America can separate Gibson the man from Gibson the actor, I suppose I can start going back to my favorite Starbucks, despite that one barista’s outspoken views on abortion.

Here’s Doctor Who favorite David Tennant from the upcoming remake of Fright Night.  I’ve never seen the original, but you can pretty much take any beloved genre actor and cast them as a magician and I’ll see that movie.  Just ask The Prestige.

Speaking of awe-inspiring images, Juan Pablo Bravo made a HUGE size-comparison chart of just about any Hanna-Barbera character you can think of, 600 in all.  Click the tiny sample below for the full shebang.

Almost as cool as knowing the exact relative heights of the Hair Bear Bunch, is Conan O’Brien announcing the name of his new TBS show.  It’s a good thing he’s getting back to work.  With that beard, he looks like he’d be on the streets with a beaver puppet, leaving angry voicemails for Oksana Grigorieva if he didn’t have something to keep him busy.

And finally, let’s usher in the holiday weekend with everybody’s favorite weekend activity.  DANCE PARTY!

Happy Labor Day, folks.

Sandler on the set of his comedic remake of "Taxi Driver". Suri Cruise is playing the Jodie Foster part.

Remember last year when we heard that Adam Sandler would play both Jack and Jill in a romantic comedy of the same name?    That’s still a thing.  I’ve learned from I Watch Stuff that Katie Holmes is being groomed for the role of Jack’s wife, which at least means we can all thank God that Sandler will not be shamelessly wooing himself on film.

But the real tragedy here is that while Jack and Jill is an actual multi-million dollar film, my pitch for the Dane Cook vehicle Old Mother Hubbard (Dane Cook must disguise himself as his own grandmother while still trying to score with the chick from Twilight) is still languishing in development hell!  By which I mean Peter Segal hasn’t called me back yet.  So I’ve decided that every time I read another stupid piece of news about Jack and Jill, I’ll churn out another “Nursery Rhyme Title as Raunchy Romantic Comedy” premise.  Eventually, Hollywood’s sure to snap one up.  Here’s my latest:

Peter Peter
Jonah Hill stars as college senior Peter Peter.  He’s about to graduate and he still hasn’t got up the nerve to ask out the hottest girl on campus (played by whoever almost wins this season of The Bachelor).  His love life isn’t helped by his terrible allergy to pumpkin, which–instead of giving him a rash or killing him–causes him to launch involuntarily into a series of hilarious, and often racist, character voices.  When the hotty dares him to eat 100 pumpkin pies before graduation, with a night of passion as the prize, Peter’s got no choice but to grab the Cool Whip and hope his uncontrollable alter egos don’t get him into too much trouble!

Done.  Money in the bank.

I don’t think I’ve talked about Mad Men on the blog before, primarily due to my unspoken agreement with Logan to deny the existence of any television show that doesn’t feature Chevy Chase.  I’m breaking that streak today to discuss the most surprisingly compelling character of this season: Glen Bishop.

I enjoy Mad Men, but it’s frustratingly disorganized in its storytelling.  It doesn’t really have story arcs, so much as vague themes.  Characters may get tons of screen time for several episodes, only to disappear completely without warning.  Whatever happened to Joan’s closeted lesbian roommate?  Are we ever going to see Sal again?  And where the hell has Betty Draper been this season?  Until recently, I thought Glen Bishop had evaporated as well.  But before we discuss the present, let’s take a look back to when we first met the little scamp:

Glen is the young son of Helen Bishop, a divorced single mother who lives in the Draper’s neighborhood.  When Helen’s babysitter falls through, she guilts Betty into watching Glen for the evening.  While Betty is using the bathroom, Glen walks in on her (quite on purpose) and proceeds to stare at her until she’s able to get the door closed.  Betty confronts him about it.  He cries and apologizes.  So far, Glen’s kinda weird.  But, hey, he’s a lonely, sexually curious nine-year-old.  Give him a break.

Then he asks for a lock of Betty’s hair.  So, ya know…we’re getting into creepy town now.  He tells her that he wants it because she’s like a princess.  Of course, because Betty Draper is pretty unhinged herself, she ends up giving it to him.  It’s a neat scene because not only do you get to watch this really messed up little kid, you also realize how lonely Betty herself must be to oblige him.

Glen disappears for a bit after that, then shows up again when his mother finds the lock of hair and tells Betty to keep away from her son.  Later, the two meet by chance in a parking lot where Betty breaks down and admits how isolated she is, causing Glen to tenderly (and SUPER creepily) comfort her by saying that he wishes he were older.

Eventually, he runs away from home and hides in the Draper’s doghouse, explaining to Betty that he’s come to rescue her, and that the two can run away together.  It’s clear now, even to Betty, that this kid is damaged.  She calls his mom.  He views it as the ultimate betrayal, and tells Betty he hates her.  So ends their affair.  Glen fades into the ether, never to be seen or mentioned again.

Until now!  Oh yes, friends.  This season opened with the Draper kids (now the Francis kids after Betty’s divorce) bumping into Glen while Christmas tree shopping.  But this time he’s only got stalker-eyes for young Sally.  In a way this is a step up, since she’s actually his age.  In another way, it’s kind of like a psycho ex-lover showing up to menace the family of the one who spurned him.

And we’re in luck, Glen fans.  Our boy has discovered exciting new ways to be unnerving.  Every scene he’s in explodes with awkwardness!  He shows Sally his menacing pocket knife, chats about divorce in a detached monotone,  calls her up in the middle of the night, and–in his Glenniest move yet–breaks into the Francis home and wrecks the shit out of it,  leaving only Sally’s room intact.

And then…nothing again.  He’s been absent for the last three episodes.  C’mon, Mad Men, what’s up with this kid?  Is he using Sally as a creepy surrogate for her mom?  Is he a serial killer in the making?  Is he going to have a seen with Don where the two hash things out over scotch?  What is Glen’s deal!

To make matters weirder, Glen is played by Marten Weiner, son of the show’s creator, who presumably looked at his son one day and said “This kid is so quietly shudder-inducing, America will be helpless to look away!”  Maybe that at least means he won’t be forgotten like all those other great side characters.

Either way, you guys can count on me to keep you updated on the creepy exploits of Glen Bishop from here on out.  Unless those exploits involve him appearing outside my bedroom window with his father’s hunting rifle.  By the time I learn of that exploit, it will be far too late for me.

Thanks to the Mad Men Wiki for jogging my memory.  Also check AMC’s blog for an interview with the surprisingly well-adjusted Marten Weiner.

At a certain point, I begin to wonder if being a guy who has hated almost everything Wes Craven does but still continues to follow his work for some reason, is any different from being his biggest fan.  Maybe I’m just kidding myself?  Or is that killing myself!

Anyway, he’s actually directing again!  Check out the trailer for My Soul to Take. The original title was 25/8, but presumably Craven couldn’t get funding for that many eighths. It’s pretty much your standard slasher, with the twist that one of the kids may be the reincarnated spirit of the murderer.  Kind of a neat idea.  I wonder how he’ll screw it up.

[via I Watch Stuff]

This week, Dolph Lundgren battles Randy Couture’s seven evil exes while Michael Cera invades Guatemala.  Where was Carl Weathers?  REVIEWED: The Expendables, Scott Pilgrim. PLUS: We earn our “explicit” rating.

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But only long enough to draw your attention to this video.  Pretty well encapsulates why I tend to prefer my couch these days.

Just add Jason Lee and call it a day. Hollywood can’t stop turning old cartoons and comics into flesh-and-blood talkin’ pictures.

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Come on, September…

Speaks for itself.  You should probably have seen the movie before you watch this.

And I’m with him.  I’m mostly posting this because I can’t believe Chevy Chase was at Comic-Con.  It’s like all of my loves are converging.  In fact I tried to come up with a joke about how Comic-Con could cater further to my specific desires, but I kept coming up with things that already take place at Comic-Con.  Doctor Who discussions and playing a lot of video games?  Covered.

[Via MovieWeb]

That’s right, kids.  After more than a year of waiting, scheming, and refusing to pay more than a couple bucks, we’ve finally obtained the criticalend.com domain.  No more will you have to say “Critical-DASH-End-Dot-Com” when you shout our URL to passersby.  Sadly, this will probably result in a decrease in accidental visits to CriticalDachshund.com.

Over the next few weeks, we’ll be working to update all of our internal links with the dash-less address, though the hyphenated versions will continue to work for the time being.  And don’t worry about the podcast feed, it won’t be affected.

To celebrate, I wanted to embed whatever came up first on a YouTube search for “new url”, which just so happens to be an awesome video of this retro rock-a-billy band called The Baseballs.  For some reason, they’ve disabled embedding, but the video’s so damn awesome I’m linking them anyway.