Critical End!

Hope you guys liked our 50th episode.  If over an hour of Critical End! wasn’t enough for you, here’s a little bonus material.  Two montages we ended up cutting from the show.

[gplayer href=”http://www.archive.org/download/CriticalEndChevyChaseMontage/montage_CHEVY.mp3″]Chevy Chase Montage[/gplayer]

[gplayer href=”http://www.archive.org/download/CriticalEndInsultMontage/montage_SHUTUP.mp3″]Insult Montage[/gplayer]

Strap in tight, kids. Critical End! just got too old for this shit. REVIEWED: Critical End! PLUS: The secret origin of Man Butchman.

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I’m going to be honest.  I miss Schwarzenegger.  Sure, he’s terrible at acting as we traditionally define it.  But he’s an expert at being Arnold Schwarzenegger.

This has nothing to do with anything, except that I found it while searching for "late".

Hang tight, kids!  Our 50th episode spectacular is shaping up to be so spectacular that it’s going to take a bit more time to complete than we thought.  You’ll have it hot from the oven, same time next week at the latest.

To thank you for your patience, we’ve decided to give you something to listen to in the meantime.  All 15 episodes of PodCorn, our little-heard first podcast series, unaltered and with original flavor text in tact.

Sure, the reviews are old, but this show never came out on time anyway.  They’re from a simpler time (before editing), so be gentle.  But, they may serve you well if you’re jonesing for your weekly fix of whatever-the-hell.

PodCorn Episode #01 – “The Three Faces of Kong”
Feb. 3, 2006 – Logan and Ryan review Peter Jackson’s “King Kong” remake as well as the 1933 original and the cheesy 70’s version. Plus the Top 10 Animal Love Movies.
Click for the full episode list…

"I'm DROWNING in BK Buffalo Sauce®!"

The other would be a Whopper.  I have to admit, this Dubai Burger King ad has won my heart.  It would just be a cheesy tie-in, but the dead girl sells it.  Sure it’s a little odd that Jason was hunting a cheerleader (maybe Crystal Lake reopened as a cheerleader training camp?)  And it’s weird to see him driving, though I’ll let that go since the whole point is how late BK’s drive-thrus are open.

Check out the Chucky, Freddy, and Ghostface variations over at /Film.

"Come, Forest! We're late for our codpiece-enlargening appointment!"

When I was in high school, I did a few movie review segments for the campus close-circuit TV show. My best work was when I skewered the John Travolta travesty Battlefield Earth, calling it out for one of the worst scripts in film history.

Well, head on over to /Film for the true story of the movie’s inception, told by the screenwriter himself.  According to J.D. Shapiro (who gave us Robin Hood: Men in Tights, so a little respect, please), he showed up at Scientology H.Q. because he heard it was a great place to meet chicks, and ended up in a meeting with Travolta by complete chance.  An entertaining read.

[via /Film]

Happy Easter, kids.

No, this does not mean we’ll stop talking about Chevy Chase. REVIEWED: Hot Tub Time Machine PLUS: Chevy Chase!

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"You magnificent bastard, I saw your movie!"

So, Fox is releasing special editions of some of its classic films on Blu-ray and DVD to celebrate its 75th Anniversary.  I’m all for this, especially for classics like The Day the Earth Stood Still and Butch Cassidy, but the more you look into the selection, the more the veneer of class washes away, revealing the old coat of “marketing ploy” underneath.  Ice Age?  Walk the Line?  That movie’s less than five years old, is it a classic already?

Eh, who cares, just buy the ones you like.  The folks who should really be pissed are owners of the Alien Quadrilogy box set, who now have to buy a new edition of Alien.  One day, scientists will perfect whatever instruments we use to determine when a disc is truly the “definitive edition”.

Honestly, I’m beginning to think the joke’s on me. There’s no way that anyone could think this shit looks watchable in the first place, but then they twist the knife even more with a terrifying CG dog dance, and the most overused licensed music in trailer history.

I feel like I’m going to show up at the Marmaduke premiere to discover that it’s actually a big, twisted surprise party for me like at the end of The Game.  “You bought the whole Marmaduke thing?!  We thought for sure you’d figure it out!”  And then I commit suicide.  It’s not exactly like The Game.

Brilliant.

Why so tense, guy?  REVIEWED: Repo Men (2010), Repo Man (1984).  PLUS: Trailer tales.

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If you’re like me (and I know I am) you’re a fan of Garfield Minus Garfield, the web comic that removes the titular cat from his comic strip, leaving only a sad, addled, mentally unstable Jon Arbuckle behind.  It completely changed the way I look at the comic, and it even won the approval of Jim Davis who eventually agreed to a book compilation.

Anyway, some enterprising soul gave the terrible movie the same treatment.  Breckin Meyer’s peppy spirit results in a Jon Arbuckle who is more creepily deluded than clinically depressed, but the end result is roughly the same.

I, like all right-thinking people, love Futurama.  It’s up there with Mystery Science Theater 3000 as one of the best shows to ever grace the air waves.  So when they recently got the band back together for four direct to DVD movies, I was pretty psyched.

But here’s a secret for you.  It’s not one I like to spread around, so lean in close now…

…

The movies weren’t very good.

I know!  I shouldn’t look a “gift space cow” in the mouth, but the movies were far inferior to any episode of the show.  I think it was partly due to the difficulties inherent in adapting a TV show into a movie, and partly due to the fact that each movie only had one or two writers, as opposed to the entire writer’s room worth of ideas the series had.

Either way, the DVDs were a success and the show is returning with new episodes on Comedy Central this June!  I’m a little wary, but very excited to see it return to the more familiar format.  And while this teaser isn’t particularly funny (same joke they did in the first comeback movie), you should still watch it and get your expectations unreasonably high with me!

If it looks good on a messenger bag, Tim Burton will adapt it. REVIEWED: Alice in Wonderland (2010). PLUS: Journeys Shoes? Still exists.

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