Critical End!

…if it were painted on the side of a van in the ’70’s.  Other than that: Really, Disney?

Hope you guys liked our 50th episode.  If over an hour of Critical End! wasn’t enough for you, here’s a little bonus material.  Two montages we ended up cutting from the show.

[gplayer href=”http://www.archive.org/download/CriticalEndChevyChaseMontage/montage_CHEVY.mp3″]Chevy Chase Montage[/gplayer]

[gplayer href=”http://www.archive.org/download/CriticalEndInsultMontage/montage_SHUTUP.mp3″]Insult Montage[/gplayer]

Logan and Ryan 10 years from now.

I was scanning the world news this morning (You know, the non-movie related boring stuff), when this article caught my eye.  Yes, it appears that the forever awesome duo that is Matt Stone and Trey Parker have finally managed to get their Joseph Smith musical, The Book of Mormon, made…and it’s going to Broadway.  As some of you hardcore fans may recall, this isn’t the first time that the pair have gone out of their way to make fun of the Mormons.  There was a very memorable episode of South Park a few years back that dealt exclusively with the Latter Day Saint movement, and let’s not forget Trey’s turn as a confused Mormon in Orgazmo.  With all of this in mind, and the fact that it’s going to be on Broadway(!), I think we may have a hit on our hands…

…meanwhile, if case you missed this great article on Matt and Trey’s political beliefs from The Huffington Post a few months back, shame on you.

Strap in tight, kids. Critical End! just got too old for this shit. REVIEWED: Critical End! PLUS: The secret origin of Man Butchman.

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I’m going to be honest.  I miss Schwarzenegger.  Sure, he’s terrible at acting as we traditionally define it.  But he’s an expert at being Arnold Schwarzenegger.

This has nothing to do with anything, except that I found it while searching for "late".

Hang tight, kids!  Our 50th episode spectacular is shaping up to be so spectacular that it’s going to take a bit more time to complete than we thought.  You’ll have it hot from the oven, same time next week at the latest.

To thank you for your patience, we’ve decided to give you something to listen to in the meantime.  All 15 episodes of PodCorn, our little-heard first podcast series, unaltered and with original flavor text in tact.

Sure, the reviews are old, but this show never came out on time anyway.  They’re from a simpler time (before editing), so be gentle.  But, they may serve you well if you’re jonesing for your weekly fix of whatever-the-hell.

PodCorn Episode #01 – “The Three Faces of Kong”
Feb. 3, 2006 – Logan and Ryan review Peter Jackson’s “King Kong” remake as well as the 1933 original and the cheesy 70’s version. Plus the Top 10 Animal Love Movies.
Click for the full episode list…

It was on this day, 20 years ago, that I can safely say that TV was redefined.  If you’ve never seen Twin Peaks, you completely owe it to yourself to sit down and watch the first season.  Fan of The X-Files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or more recently, Lost?  Then why oh freakin’ why have you not watched Twin Peaks yet?!  Seriously, people…

Set in the mysterious dark woods of Washington State, Twin Peaks centered around the murder of Laura Palmer.  At it’s core, the show was nothing more than a whodunit, but those who would write it off as being too simple, obviously had no clue what was in store for them.  With a cast that featured some of the craziest characters to ever grace prime time network TV (an eye patch wearing crazy woman, a dancing dwarf, a lady who carries around a log known simply to the town as “Log Lady”, and a spooky killer called BOB were just a few), the show flew in all sorts of funny, scary, and mostly just plain weird directions, which made it nearly impossible to predict.  Oh, and did Imention a young David Duchovny has a memorable bit as a cross dressing FBI agent?

Yes, the show did kind of fizzle out after they solved the murder midway through the second season.  And, yes, the movie that was supposed to tie up the loose ends was only more frustrating (and lacked most of the great TV cast), but 20 years later Twin Peaks is still must see TV at it’s absolute finest.  I’d tell you to Netflix it, but why bother when you can buy it?  Do it.

Now.

 

Twin Peaks
Season 1
 Rating:
10 out of 10

Season 2
 Rating:
9 out of 10

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me
 Rating:
7 out of 10

"I'm DROWNING in BK Buffalo Sauce®!"

The other would be a Whopper.  I have to admit, this Dubai Burger King ad has won my heart.  It would just be a cheesy tie-in, but the dead girl sells it.  Sure it’s a little odd that Jason was hunting a cheerleader (maybe Crystal Lake reopened as a cheerleader training camp?)  And it’s weird to see him driving, though I’ll let that go since the whole point is how late BK’s drive-thrus are open.

Check out the Chucky, Freddy, and Ghostface variations over at /Film.

Here at Critical End! we recognize the importance of the fans.  Hell, we’re fans ourselves!  Who else but Ryan would own a piece of the MST3K film set (I’ve seen it.)?  And who else but myself would own an album of songs recorded by Chevy Chase?  And who else but this guy would build a Bill Paxton pinball machine?  Whoa, wait…what?

Oh, crazy Bill Paxton pinball fan…will you ever learn?  Perhaps not, but no matter how crazy you may think he is, consider your average TRON fan.  Sure, we may all recall that nutty TRON guy from a few years back, but despite popular notion, not all TRON fans are complete losers with no girlfriends lame.  Take for instance the guy who made this amazing modern trailer to the original film.

So, today your pals here at Critical End! would like to salute you, fans!  Sure, some of you may live in your parents basement and smell slightly like old Cheetos, but to us…you’re family.*

*Please stop calling us, you smelly dorks.

"Come, Forest! We're late for our codpiece-enlargening appointment!"

When I was in high school, I did a few movie review segments for the campus close-circuit TV show. My best work was when I skewered the John Travolta travesty Battlefield Earth, calling it out for one of the worst scripts in film history.

Well, head on over to /Film for the true story of the movie’s inception, told by the screenwriter himself.  According to J.D. Shapiro (who gave us Robin Hood: Men in Tights, so a little respect, please), he showed up at Scientology H.Q. because he heard it was a great place to meet chicks, and ended up in a meeting with Travolta by complete chance.  An entertaining read.

[via /Film]

Happy Easter, kids.

No, this does not mean we’ll stop talking about Chevy Chase. REVIEWED: Hot Tub Time Machine PLUS: Chevy Chase!

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It doesn’t surprise me that James Cameron and FOX are releasing Avatar on DVD and Blu-Ray on Earth Day.  Despite the fact that Cameron’s past explosion-filled films most likely accounted for more carbon emissions over the last few decades than Al Gore’s house in one summer, Cameron obviously realizes that there’s money to be made in this whole green movement.  Nevermind that the DVD and Blu-Ray are both bare bones, I must support Mother Earth by buying James Cameron’s Avatar on Earth Day!  That will show those evil Republicans!

As for the rest of us: Cameron himself is already talking up two, yes, freakin’ TWO, other editions that are going to come out later this year if you think you can wait that long to support this amazing grassroots movement…oh, and Cameron’s bank account.  Because let’s face it: That new back deck overlooking the slums isn’t going to build itself now, is it?

Avatar hits DVD/Blu-Ray on April 22nd…which is also Earth Day…hippie.

"You magnificent bastard, I saw your movie!"

So, Fox is releasing special editions of some of its classic films on Blu-ray and DVD to celebrate its 75th Anniversary.  I’m all for this, especially for classics like The Day the Earth Stood Still and Butch Cassidy, but the more you look into the selection, the more the veneer of class washes away, revealing the old coat of “marketing ploy” underneath.  Ice Age?  Walk the Line?  That movie’s less than five years old, is it a classic already?

Eh, who cares, just buy the ones you like.  The folks who should really be pissed are owners of the Alien Quadrilogy box set, who now have to buy a new edition of Alien.  One day, scientists will perfect whatever instruments we use to determine when a disc is truly the “definitive edition”.

Honestly, I’m beginning to think the joke’s on me. There’s no way that anyone could think this shit looks watchable in the first place, but then they twist the knife even more with a terrifying CG dog dance, and the most overused licensed music in trailer history.

I feel like I’m going to show up at the Marmaduke premiere to discover that it’s actually a big, twisted surprise party for me like at the end of The Game.  “You bought the whole Marmaduke thing?!  We thought for sure you’d figure it out!”  And then I commit suicide.  It’s not exactly like The Game.