Critical End!

Everything I know about dancing I learned from repeat viewings of this movie.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter Rating:
Crispin Glover’s “Dead Fuck” Dance Rating:

I hear that train a’comin’ / It’s comin’ round the hill / I hope that is my train / I’d better check my schedule / Oops, that was the train to Appleton / but it’s going to Circle Pines / And I’ve got about another 20 minutes to kill / It’s a good thing I brought some magaZINES. REVIEWED: The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974), The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (2009). PLUS: Singing?

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It's almost this draining to watch.

Did you know professional wrestlers use razor blades to surreptitiously slice bloody gashes into themselves during a live match? Did you further know that Mickey Rourke actually did this for The Wrestler? I mean actually cut his forward with a real razor blade for a scene. Were you additionally aware that Mickey Rourke is both insane and awesome?

I wanted to see this during Oscar week, but I only had time for the best picture nominees. Big mistake on my part. Rourke is just as compelling as Sean Penn is in Milk, but The Wrestler is free of that film’s obvious Oscar pandering. It’s a rare character piece that still remembers to have a strong narrative, as well as supporting characters that feel as real as our hero (Marisa Tomei is especially noteworthy as are her breasts). It’s sad and funny and definitely worth your time.

It’s also a little predictable and a bit too heavy-handed at times, but what are you going to do?

Rating:

8 out of 10

Ryan Reynolds has just gone from “actor whose agent says they like comics to up their geek cred” to “actual factual capes and cowls fan” in my book.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine managed to waste both Deadpool as a character and Reynolds as an actor, but Reynolds has apparently insisted that the spin-off movie stick close to the source material, specifically Deadpool’s fourth-wall-breaking awareness that he’s in a work of fiction. Combine this with the speculation that the albino thing at the end of Wolverine was in fact a clone of Deadpool and not the real deal (meaning we can happily ignore it going forward) and we may actually get an excellent cinematic take on one of my favorite characters.

[Via /Film]

This is a production shot from The International. Notice Naomi Watts standing next to Clive Owen.

This is the DVD art for The International. Notice Naomi Watts standing next to the terrifying Jim Henson Workshop version of Shia LaBeouf.

We unlock the conspiracy behind how the same two guys can write both Reno 911! and Herbie Fully Loaded. REVIEWED: Night at the Museum, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. PLUS: Racism!

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1. NASCAR? Really, Final Destination series?

2. If you’re going to reference the fact that this is the fourth movie in a series that started ten years ago, why not just call it em>Final Destination 4? My guess? They lost count.

3. “Death saved the best…..FOR 3D!” may be one of the best tag lines ever.

4. NASCAR?! I mean…really? I guess after the roller coaster opening of the third film (meaning that there actually WAS a roller coaster. It wasn’t that exciting), the series had no where else to go except to the thrilling world of NASCAR.

5. NASCAR again. Not to keep driving this point home (pun intended. Zing!), but isn’t this pretty much the same opening as Final Destination 2? You know, the one with all of the cars on the interstate? I think it is. In fact, it looks to me like they just took that opening and CG’d some NASCAR logos in. LAME.

6. I can not wait to see this movie.

This week, we’re pulled in two directions. REVIEWED: Drag Me to Hell, Up. PLUS: Critical End!’s first ever contest, your chance to win FABULOUS* PRIZES!

(*Prizes not actually fabulous.)

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Yes, that is a picture of me at the height of my "all brown" phase.

Here’s a fun one from back in the day: Remember Stretch Armstrong? Was he one of the coolest toys on the block or what? Next to my sisters’ Lite-Brite (which I only admitted recently to playing with when they weren’t around), Mr. Armstrong was one of the greatest things ever. What kid doesn’t want to own a toy that leaks some strange yellowish goo when it breaks? In fact, the only thing more awesome was Stretch Armstrong’s dog, Fetch Armstrong. Why? Well, for one the name alone was freakin’ genius. See how Fetch rhymes with Stretch? I hope they gave some guy over at Hasbro Toys the rest of the day off for that one. And two: He was a weiner dog! Now THAT’S a toy worth stretchin’!

The real news here is that they’re making a Stretch Armstrong movie because we all remember how great the toy was. I mean, let’s face it: That’s the only reason you bought a ticket to Transformers, wasn’t it? The answer is yes.

Full story (along with a listing of the other upcoming Hasbro films) can be found here.

Bryan Singer loves the X-Men almost as much as he loves making out with Frank Langella. And that's A LOT.

Well, okay, he doesn’t say that exactly. But when asked about the third X-film, which Brett Ratner directed while he was doing Superman Returns, Singer replied “It’s weird for me to watch it, because I’m so close to the universe. And also Brett is a good friend of mine. But, of course, I would love to return to that universe.” That sounds like disappointment to me.

He goes on to say he’d be interested in doing another X-Men film. To which I said, in a recent interview, “Yes please.” Too bad all the interesting characters are dead, depowered, or wussies now. Thanks, Ratner.

[SuperHeroHype.com]

Wash day tomorrow? Nothing clean, right? REVIEWED: The Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgement Day, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Terminator Salvation.

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It’s attached to Up, as everyone expected, and it’s looking good, as everyone also expected. No word on who’s doing Slinky Dog now that Jim Varney’s no longer with us. Maybe he’ll be mute like Rowlf was for years after Jim Henson died.

But the biggest question mark for me is the plot. Apparently it’s something about the toys being sent to a daycare when Andy goes to college. So they’ve done “Woody feels unloved” and “Buzz feels unloved” and now they’re just doing “Everybody feels unloved?” Eh, it’s Pixar. It’ll still be awesome.

Another summer of reboots, remakes, and sequels begins here. Same old concepts, prettier actors. REVIEWED: Star Trek. PLUS: Ben Stiller’s Hair: Fact or Fiction?

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"One...two...yeah that's everyone. ACTION!"

The same handful of Aykroyd quotes about the third Ghostbusters film have been floating around for a month or two, but this /Film article adds a new wrinkle to the saga. Apparently, Bill Murray finally agreed to do the sequel (after years of refusing) on the condition that Ernie Hudson gets more screen time.

Now, we here at Critical End! are fans of Mr. Hudson, as any right-thinking individual should be. We thrilled at his out-of-nowhere appearance in Dragonball Evolution. But does anyone actually believe that this was the reason Murray was holding out? It’s one thing to go all reverse Steve Martin and start pretending you’re too artsy for any comedy without “A Film By” somewhere on the poster, while somehow deigning to do TWO horrendous CGI Garfield movies. But it’s another thing to claim you’re standing up for your pal by standing in the way of the most high profile job he’s had in years.

To be fair, this info comes secondhand from Aykroyd rather in a statement by Murray himself. But c’mon. Ernie Hudson doesn’t need your charity, Bill. Shut up and go back to making fun movies.

[/Film]

Thumbs up indeed.

Critical End! (The Podcast) #14 is too sexy to die. REVIEWED: X-Men Origins: Wolverine. PLUS: More nerd talk than you can shake a bone claw at. SUPER BONUS PLUS: For a faster and wackier show, try the Alternate Nerd Voice Ashcan Edition.

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