Critical End!

Between films Ramis loves to dress up as "that dude from Cast Away"

The ink hasn’t even dried on the first draft of Ghostbusters 3 yet and it’s already sucking.  Granted, it’s hard to judge a movie that at this point isn’t even fully on paper, but from what HAS been confirmed, this is most likely going to suck.  I can think of three reasons right now:

1. According to an interview that Harold Ramis gave MTV, “there will be young ghostbusters.” I hate the whole sequel where the awesome people from the first films now play old fat people who sit in a room and give advice until the third act when they finally put the uniform back on thing.  I mean, why even bother?  In my own happy little world (Loganland, if you will) the original Ghostbusters are ageless and Bill Murray never became a hipster icon (more on that in a sec).

2. Judd Apatow is producing.  I think this one explains itself.  I’m kind of surprised that he isn’t producing Crank 2 as well.  I’m sure he’s working on it.

3. You knew it was coming…ahem…a few words on Bill Murray:  I’m not quite sure when (I’m thinking after he didn’t get an Oscar nom for Rushmore), but at some point Hollywood and the movie going public finally begin to realize that Bill Murray is, quite frankly, a complete asshole.  On top of that, his entire “I only do films where I get to look at the camera and be depressed” schtick got old about fourteen films ago.  The only people I know who still like the man all wear skinny jeans and love to use the word “indie” to describe every DVD and CD in their collection.  Oddly enough, these same people have never seen or heard of Caddyshack.

My favorite scene in "Broken Flowers"

Even Ramis himself is getting in on some of the Murray bashing.  In the same MTV interview, Ramis joked that “Bill Murray is just waiting for the truckload of money to arrive to get him out of his office.”  He went on to say that while he has talked exclusively to Aykroyd about the film, he has yet to speak to Murray.  He must be too busy working on Wes Anderson’s newest film Depressed Brothers With Daddy Issues.

What was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, Ghostbusters 3.  I can’t wait.

Yes, I am aware that most people know what Star Trek is at this point, but if you cut the title off of Paramount’s latest poster, this thing would look like an ink blot test.  That being said, am I the only one who sees a bunny wearing a silly hat?  Yeah, I thought so.

Less than 24 hours after my last post about how unfortunate it was that the adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis’ The Informers was heading straight to DVD, I received an email from the fine people over at Senator Distribution assuring me that I needn’t fear.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it would seem that your ol’ Uncle Logan shouldn’t believe every fanboy rumor that he reads on the Internet.

What I should have said:

Hey, kids! The Informers looks like it’s going to be completely awesome!  And you know what?  It’s going to be in theaters April 24th, which is less than a month away!  I read some rumor online about it going straight to DVD.  Luckily, I was smart enough to fact check a few things first before I ran that unbelievable story.  How dumb would it be if I didn’t take the time to do that, huh?  Blah blah blah I’m Logan and I like movies blah blah blah…

Senator Distribution was also kind enough to send over some great EPK material, including clips and stills from the movie.  In the days leading up to the release, I’ll make sure and throw some of that up as a teaser to try and get more of you into the theater seats.  Until then, here is what you need to know:

1. None of that straight to DVD nonsense.  It’ll be in theaters April 24th.
2. I can not apologize enough for the mistake.
3. According to a great website I just found, Big Foot is being held in a military prison base outside of Dalton, GA.  Release the Foot!

Bret Easton Ellis. Don't worry. He's never heard of you either.

NOTE: This article is slightly inaccurate, specifically the news that The Informers is going straight to DVD.  The film will actually be in theaters April 24, 2009.  More information can now be found here.

Is it wrong of me to think that Bret Easton Ellis’ American Psycho is one of the funniest novels ever written?  Wait.  You know what?  I’ll even take that a step further: American Psycho is the funniest AND most important novel of the nineties.  That’s right, I said it.  So why is it that most people still have no clue who Bret Easton Ellis is?  Maybe it’s because nobody quite understands him, myself included.

And nobody misunderstands him more than Hollywood.  Granted, the film versions of American Psycho and The Rules of Attraction have both been beyond excellent*, but we can’t forget about the Ellis disowned double feature of Less Than Zero and (sigh) American Psycho 2: All American Girl.  Like many of the best authors, his work has been called unfilmable, but hey…that’s never stopped Hollywood before.

Christian Bale in a scene you didn't see in Newsies.

Enter The Informers.  Based on the 1994 book of linked short stories by the same name, The Informers has always been my least favorite of Ellis’ novels.  It’s still worthy of a fine 7 out of 10, and I could spend all day telling you why, but this isn’t a book review site, so let’s just cut to the chase. No other Ellis novel screams “movie adaptation” more than The Informers. The stories are short, easy to understand (kinda), and feature some of his best satire of none other than the city of Los Angles itself.  I’m kind of surprised Hollywood didn’t make this movie three years ago.

Except they did.  See, The Informers has been sitting on the shelf for over three years and I can’t quite explain why.  With a cast that features Kim Basinger, Billy Bob Thornton, Winona Ryder, Chris Isaak, and the now bankable again Mickey Rourke, it should have been a sure thing.  Maybe it’s the fact that the novel also features club hopping vampires and gay aliens that scared the studios away.

Whatever the reason, it was announced last week that The Informers is now going straight to DVD, which must be both pleasing and insulting to Bret Easton Ellis.  Despite all the drama, I have to admit that I can’t wait.  Check out the trailer for yourself below and let me know what you think.  In the meantime, if you read this far than you now know who Bret Easton Ellis is.  That makes me happy.

(Note: This trailer is HIGHLY uncensored, so you might want to remove any children or small pets from the room now)

*As crazy as this may make me sound, American Psycho is one of three films in my top ten favorites that has the word “psycho” in the title. It is joined by Hitchcock’s Psycho and Charles Busch’s hilarious Psycho Becah Party. Needless to say, I’m a hit at parties.

Logan’s hand-written notes for this episode say it all: “Intervention, Abortion, AIDS.” Just keep repeating to yourself: It’s only a podcast… REVIEWED: The Virgin Spring, The Last House on the Left (1972), The Last House on the Left (2009) PLUS: Even more ragtime piano than usual.

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Some of you may recall that David Wain and I had a rather messy break-up back here. Things were said that we both regret. Luckily, we both believe in happy endings (combined with drunken one night stands), which is why I’m happy to announce that Wain and I are now back together!

In other words: Wain is not directing Little Fockers.

CHUD stole all of the really good jokes about this, so check out the full story here. Meanwhile, our next podcast should be up soon, so why not stay in this weekend and refresh this site until you see it? Just a thought…

There are a lot of bad horror movies, but because the genre is generally considered disposable, no one really remembers them. You have to be a fan of these kinds of films to have even heard of Castle Freak or the Wishmaster series. (I was going to use Deathbed there, but Patton Oswalt had to go and take that one mainstream.) Leprechaun, however, has entered into the public conscious, probably because there are, inexplicably, FIVE sequels. So if you need a quick goto example of how laughably awful horror can get, chances are you’ll reach out for Leprechaun, even though you’ve likely never seen it. Well, I am here to correct your misconception. Leprechaun is not a bad horror movie. It is a bad comedy. Which, in some ways, is worse.

The titular star is, of course, Warwick Davis of Willow and Star Wars and anything that needed a little person but couldn’t get Billy Barty. He’s a demonic leprechaun looking for his stolen bag o’ gold and taking bloody revenge on anyone in his way, including Jennifer Aniston in her film debut.

If the premise itself–a three foot guy in buckled shoes is coming to fuck your shit up–isn’t enough of a clue that this movie is in on its own joke, you will be swiftly convinced by scenes of the Leprechaun chasing our heroes on a tiny tricycle, downing a box of “Lucky Clovers” cereal, and falling for a ploy in which the gang throws dirty shoes at him which he must compulsively polish, allowing them to escape. I guess leprechauns are into shoes.

Occasionally, the shtick works. Davis, presumably cast for his stature, puts everything he’s got into the performance, tossing off Freddy Krueger style bon mots before cackling wickedly and disappearing into the shadows. Oddly, the Leprechaun does not have an Irish accent, but we’ll let that slide. The opening is played like straight horror. His first victims are terrified of him, which is what makes the scene funny, because…you know…he’s a leprechaun. But then the real protagonists show up and things get weird.

Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my!

If the film had restricted the human characters to the straight man roles, things could have worked. But instead, they’re WACKY! Early 90’s, Full House brand wacky. The major offender is Ozzie the idiot man child, played by Mark Holton, best known (by me) for his much better turns as Francis from Pee-wee’s Big Adventure and Chubby from the Teen Wolf movies. Ozzie gets into all sorts of kooky situations with his streetwise Newsies-style sidekick Alex and their beefy leader Nathan, with whom Aniston trades awkward flirty banter. And let me tell you, when Ozzie accidentally swallows one of the Leprechaun’s coins, the shenanigans and crack-em-ups really get going!

Look, movie, I kinda dug it when you were parodying high concept slasher films. But adding the Scooby-Doo crew to the mix just makes it groan-worthy. A movie about a killer cereal mascot does not need comic relief characters. By the time I got to Alex’s heartwarming yet naive plan to use the gold to pay for Ozzie’s brain surgery, I’d had about enough.

Plus the body count is disappointingly low.

Leprechaun is definitely a bad movie, but it doesn’t really take itself seriously enough for me to recommend it as cheesy late night riffing fodder. If you’re a fan of the genre, you kind of have to watch it once to see what all the fuss is about, and it’s worth it for the occasional laugh and to catch Davis in a rare starring role. But that’s about all you’ll get out of this one.

Rating:

Happy St. Pat’s Day, kids. Knock back a Shamrock Shake for me.

HELLS YEAH.

Dear NBC,

Do you even need to test this pilot? The answer is clearly no. Just air it no questions asked. I will forever love you and forgive you for Andy Barker, P.I. Please? Did I mention that I’m also sick and dying from…um…cancer (yeah, that’s a good one). Cancer and AIDS actually. My AIDS have cancer. It’s all very very sad. Really, NBC. Could you say no to this face?

I loves the Chevy!

While it’s close enough to April 1st that you may think I’m just joking around here, I must assure you that I am not. Here goes:

The Sci Fi Channel has decided to change it’s name to…wait for it…the Syfy Channel.

When you’re done reading that last sentence over again for the fifth time, read more about it here.

So why the change? Because Dave Howe, president of the Sci Fi Channel- oh, I’m sorry. I mean, the Syfy Channel (do you really want that on your business card, Mr. Howe?) is working under the impression that most proper spellings should be changed to the way people text them. Here’s the actual quote from Howe to tell you more:

“When we tested this new name, the thing that we got back from our 18-to-34 techno-savvy crowd, which is quite a lot of our audience, is actually this is how you’d text it. It made us feel much cooler, much more cutting-edge, much more hip, which was kind of bang-on what we wanted to achieve communication-wise.”

When pressed for further details, Lowe said that he really had to get “B2W TTYL” but did assure the reporters that they were all his “BFFL”.

If Harry Potter grew up to direct genre films.

It’s been nearly a decade since The Gift, the last film Sam Raimi directed that could be called a horror movie, and I didn’t realize how much I missed him until I saw the trailer for Drag Me to Hell.

He’s obviously been jonesing to return to the over-the-top spooky stuff that started his career. See the Doc Ock surgery scene in Spider-Man 2 or the news of his involvement in the almost certainly ill-advised Evil Dead remake. But Drag Me to Hell promises to be a true return to form.

Pretty girl, gypsy curse, lots of white contact lenses. And none of these wimpy ghosts who want you to be their mom, or solve their murders, or feel guilty about the holocaust. No. There is a demon. And he will drag you. To hell.

Still not convinced?

Oh yes, kids. Justin Long is ready to make you forget about the second half of Jeepers Creepers. MTV was right to snap up that exclusive. Take a look:

Pointless side note: Hey, Universal, I’d have used your official trailer embed widget but it’s incredibly tiny and autoplays with sound. Seriously?

Anyway, who’s excited?

Pet Sematary Two is not a good movie. I doubt that’s a surprise to you since you were probably aware that its predecessor Pet Sematary is also not a good movie (despite a great, true-to-the-book performance by Fred Gwynne). I’m not here to review those movies.

Although…

Pet Sematary
Rating:

Pet Sematary Two
Rating:

Now. I want to communicate two things about Pet Sematary Two. First, it’s a movie that actively rips off other Stephen King movies. Obviously, there’s Pet Sematary, but you’ve got the coming-of-agey kid protagonists from Stand by Me, the demonic dog from Cujo, and the antagonist breaking through a door scene from The Shining. They get tantalizingly close to the end of Carrie, but cut away just in time.

Second, this movie has tons of potential as your goto Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon movie. It’s an odd little nexus of obscure actors. We’ve got Edward Furlong of T2 fame, Anthony Edwards of ER and Revenge of the Nerds, Jared Rushton the bully from Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Darlanne Fluegel the evil doctor from the third Darkman, and my personal favorite Clancy Brown whose voice I was trying to place the entire time until I looked him up and realized he was Mr. Krabs from Spongebob.

So if you’re trying to connect Rick Moranis to Schwarzenegger or George Clooney to Arnold Vosloo, there ya go.

What’s loud and long and blue all over? Wait, I think I told that wrong… REVIEWED: Watchmen. RETRO PICKS: V for Vendetta, From Hell, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. PLUS: Secrets of The Persuader revealed!

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Okay, try to stick with me on this one: Hank and Mike takes place in a world where Easter bunnies are real. No, wait. Let me clarify that: By “real” I mean guys in bunny suits. Well, not bunny “suits” so much as they are actual bunnies. That’s right. This is a world where Easter bunnies (that look like slackers in pink bunny suits) exist AND they break into your house every Easter and leave little chocolate candy eggs. That’s their job. That’s what they do and they love it. This is a serious business they run. Confused yet? I might need to make a chart or something.

Thomas Michael and Paolo Mancini (who also wrote the film) star as Hank and Mike, two Easter bunnies who find themselves out of a job when the company decides to cut back. As you know, Easter is a “second tier” holiday, and it seems that the company they work for, Easter Inc., is losing money to bigger holidays. Enter Conrad Hubriss (a very greasy and evil Chris Klein) who decides that it’s time to lay off a bunny or two. This is unheard of. What else could an Easter bunny possibly do in the workplace?

I’m sure at this point you’re thinking that all of this sounds very cute. Two lovable guys in pink bunny suits, right? How wrong you are. They drink. They get high. There are even a few bunny sex scenes thrown in for good measure. Folks, this is one crazy movie full of R rated bunny lovin’ and definitely not aimed at the wee ones.

But it’s also funny. Just as the amusement of two grown men in pink bunny suits (can not stress that enough) begins to wear thin, the movie finds funnier and funnier situations to place them in. The scenes in the unemployment office are especially hilarious. One of them also develops something of an office romance for a human girl. The movie manages to make this heartwarming and somewhat respectful. Wow. I can’t believe I just typed that.

Hot human/bunny sex aside, this movie isn’t for everybody. It’s uneven at times, milks too many laughs from the main characters debauchery, and a side plot involving corporate sponsored suicides (yes, you read that right) is no where near as funny as the movie seems to think it is.

But on the other hand, it’s a movie about guys in pink bunny suits. Have I said that yet? Well, if not, I can assure you that it’s worth seeing for that alone.

Rating:
6 out of 10

Well, it had to happen: A few days after I post on here about how super cool amazing awesome David Wain is, Hollywood had to go and kill all of my dreams yet again. It seems that his name is now attached as the possible director of the next chapter in the Meet the Parents saga, the highly groan worthy Little Fockers. Do you get the title joke yet? In case you missed it with the second sequel, Meet the Fockers, the word “Fockers” sounds a whole lot like a certain dirty word! Which one? Ass, I think.

Anyway, nothing is set in stone yet, but I was upset enough to feel the need to get the word out. For now let’s just ignore all of this and concentrate on the good Wain news of the week: Role Models is on DVD tomorrow! Hot Dog! Wain, you goofy lug! I can’t stay made at you!

Critical End! (The Podcast) Episode 6 has creepy buttons for eyes. Also scissors for hands, a corncob pipe, and a belly like a bowl full of jelly. REVIEWED: Coraline, Monkeybone (Retro Pick). PLUS: Many things that have nothing to do with Coraline or Monkeybone.

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