Critical End!

A tidal wave of sharks.  REVIEWED: 2012.  PLUS: The holiday season begins with a Christmas RETRO PICK of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

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Button, button, who’s got the MURDER!  REVIEWED: The Box.  RETRO PICK: Button, Button.  PLUS: Logan faces some touch choices of his own when Ryan presents him with his own series of moral-decision boxes.

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Okay, Bored to Death, what the hell?  I’ve given you like five episodes at this point and not only do you refuse to get good, you refuse to even acknowledge your premise.

Jason Schwartzman as neurotic Philip Marlowe = Comedy Gold.  So why does this show exploit none of the tropes of the genre its ostensibly riffing on?  Every episode is a boring Point A to Point B slog with almost no mystery.  It’s much more a male Sex in the City than anything else.  Ted Danson is pretty much the only reason I’m still watching, but if the series doesn’t deliver on the second half of its first two-parter this weekend, it’ll be time for me to give up and go back to waiting for Slackers 2.

This audio recording is being beamed directly into your brain with Jedi mind tricks.  REVIEWED: The Men Who Stare at Goats.  PLUS: Trailer talk, featuring Brothers.

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I was pretty sure the DirecTV commercial that zombified Chris Farley would be the head-scratchingest of the lot.  But apparently they dusted off Kim Basinger, and somehow convinced her to reprise her most famous role:  Honey Horneé from Wayne’s World 2.   I can’t find it on YouTube yet, though. So it may have just been a dream I had after one too many late night Dana Carvey marathons.   Blank Slate? Underrated.

UPDATE: Video added.

HE EATS BABIES, PEOPLE! When will you learn to shun him!

In a way, I’m glad that Sandler is apparently reversing his decision to go the way of Jim Carrey, filling the latter half of his career with maudlin “sad clown” roles a la Punch-Drunk Love and Funny People.  I would have hated for him to gain any degree of semi-legitimacy.  Although to be fair, Carrey, unlike Sandler, actually used to be funny.

What I’m getting at is the news that Sandler is set to star in Jack and Jill, a move in which he plays twins.  Named Jack and Jill.  And it’s a romantic comedy.

Beyond the inevitable Sandler-related factors (Jill will talk in a baby voice for some reason, Drew Barrymore will be put-upon but charmed), nothing more has leaked out about the plot.  But Sandler fans will surely hail this as a return to form, and give it a great opening weekend.

With that in mind, I’m getting the jump on my own “Nursery Rhyme Title as Raunchy Romantic Comedy” pitches.  Here’s a taste:

Old Mother Hubbard
When Dick Hubbard’s (Dane Cook) foul-mouthed grandmother dies during his annual visit,  Dick stumbles upon her will and is shocked to discover that she’s left all her money to a local animal charity.  If Dick wants his inheritance, he’ll have to pose as his own grandmother (with the help of his theater school pals) long enough to convince her lawyer to change the will.  It’s the perfect plan until the sexy and passionate director of the charity (Kristen Stewart) shows up to plead the animals’ case and get back on “grandma’s” good side!

What do you guys think?  I’ve also got a great poster for Little Jack Hornier…

[via Chud]

Logan and Ryan want to play a game.  A game where they talk about the Saw series as a whole without boring you with the details of any one installment.  Also there will be MURDER.

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What’s all this then?  Well, it’s our first video feature.  A Critical Quip, if you will.  In it, Logan and I have our way with the trailer for Solomon Kane.  Wanna see more stuff like this?  Let us know in the comments.

Arnie Niekamp was once again kind enough to invite me on his podcast Stupid Nerd.  This time, Jason Chin and I get Arnie all caught up on the entire Friday the 13th series.

Get it from iTunes or hit play and listen below.

[gplayer href=”http://cdn4.libsyn.com/mysterycove/Stupid_Nerd_Friday_the_13th.mp3″][/gplayer]

Zombies.  Am I right?  I tell ya.  REVIEWED: Zombieland.  PLUS: Guess who’s still touring!

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Which is probably why I enjoyed this so much.

In a world where non-robot Bruce Willises are outlawed, only outlaws will be non-robot Bruce Willis.  REVIEWED: Surrogates PLUS: Sweet Valley High?

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Seriously, Avary? Logan goes and honors you by giving Rules of Attraction a prime spot on his Top 5 College Movies list and you go and throw it all away?  I even stood up for your Silent Hill adaptation when no one else would.  Bad form, sir.

[ComingSoon]