Critical End!

It's like "Shutter Island", but without the Northern accents.

Tomorrow on the podcast you’ll get to hear our thoughts on this week’s box-office hit Shutter Island.  Best start warming up those mp3 players!  Until then, plan on spending some time on the only island that’s even more mysterious on tonight’s all new Lost!  Get caught up by checking out IGN’s excellent article on what the numbers might mean.

See you tomorrow!

Alas, The Descent: Part 2, my theater hardly knew ye. 

After waiting a few years for this follow up, Lionsgate announced yesterday that the sequel will go straight to DVD on April 27.  However, don’t for a second think that this is some made for DVD, shot on DV, crap horror sequel.  The Descent: Part 2 actually had a full theatrical run in it’s native UK.  It opened to mixed reviews from both fans and critics (most point out that the sequel is played mostly for laughs, which is odd as the original was extremely hardcore horror), but for those of you who loved Neil Marshall’s creepy, claustrophobic, and highly original first film, this sequel is a must.

Expect a review as soon as I can get my hands on a copy.  Here’s some info on the DVD.

I have a strange love/hate relationship with film critic Roger Ebert.  On one hand, he’s always been one of the most constant, opinionated film critics around.  I highly valued his opinion even when we didn’t agree.  On the other hand, the guy hated Newsies, which says a lot about a person.

All of that said, I was shocked to learn about his recent health issues.  Sure, I knew had had heart problems in the past, but are you aware that he can’t even talk anymore?  Why am I just now finding out about this?  This news was made all the more shocking when I saw the recent photo of him that Esquire magazine plans to run next month.  Take a gander at the ’90’s era photo above, then click here for the full story.

Seriously people, start telling me about these things.

So far, the final season of Lost has me somewhat torn.  On one hand, I’m disappointed in the lousy new characters (am I supposed to want to punch Dogen and Lennon in the face?) and let down by the sloppy writing (see: “What Kate Does”), but on the other hand: Last season of Lost!  Aghhhh!

Meanwhile, did you know that they’ve already announced the DVD/Blu-Ray/Complete Series release dates?  I guess Disney thinks that after all of the hoopla for the final season is said and done people will quickly forget about it if they don’t rush it out.  You can find all of the news you need to know (including a sneak at the special features) right here.  What you won’t find is the cover art.  This is all they’re giving us, which in typical Lost fashion, looks like a clue of some sort:

Any thoughts from you Lost nerds on what this is supposed to be?

Been to the video store recently?  Scan the new release wall and you’ll quickly discover that there is a straight to DVD sequel to a film that you only vaguely remember anyway.  Take an extra moment to pick up any one of these and you’ll discover something else: That movie is most likely a straight to DVD sequel of several other straight to DVD sequels that you never cared to see either.  I’m not quite sure why Hollywood works this way, but somewhere somebody must be making some serious cash off of The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends (after 13 films, I’m sure there’s lots of wisdom to go around).  Here are a few of my favorite DVD sequels that you most likely missed out on in the last year:

Free Willy 4: Escape From Pirate’s Cove
How the hell did Free Willy ever become a franchise?  Didn’t they free him in the first film?  Does he keep getting trapped again?  If so, that dumb ass whale deserves to die.  What a jerk.  Anywho, this movie looks awesome.  Check out that trailer!  It has that fuzzy “we swear it’s film” look that a lot of straight to DVD films have, the “acting” talents of Bindi Irwin (ten bucks says she finds a way to rap in the film), and poor Beau Bridges stumbling around in what appears to be a homemade pirate costume.  Personally?  I’m fanning it on Facebook as we speak.

Bring it On 5: Fight to the Finish

Yes, you read that right, this is part 5 of the Bring it On saga.  What exactly is this “it” and when do they plan to finally have it brought on?  Let’s just hope that putting the word “finish” in the title implies that this is definitely going to be the last film.  The space limit on my Netflix queue means I can only hold four Bring it On films.  Also, what’s up with the guy on the cover?  Even he is all like, “…the hell?”
 

 

Step Up 3D
Not really straight to DVD, but I had to put this on here as a warning.  Early reviews are calling this the best 3D dance film since Avatar.  Oh, and according to the IMDB cast list, the characters have great names like Cable, Moose, Hair, Backround, Jenny Kido, and Press Box Patton.  Clearly, if Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo had been in 3D they would still be pumping out sequels to it out as well.

More to come as soon as I catch up on those Land Before Time movies.  Wait, Cuba Gooding, Jr. is in the new one?

Remember when we warned you about Chevy’s return as Clark Griswold via a Super Bowl ad for HomeAway?  Well, here’s a sneak peak at what we can expect:

The Oscar nominations were announced today with no big surprises.  Personally, I’m glad to see District 9 up for a few awards, although Sharlto Copley really deserved a best actor nom as well…but what do I know?  If it were up to me, Chevy Chase would still be hosting and any Oscars that Quentin Tarantino won would be given to estate of Sergio Leone. 

The real news here is that your good pals Logan and Ryan will once again be giving the Oscars the ol’ CE! live blog treatment!  Some of you older fans may recall that we had a blast doing this last year.  Keep an eye on the site for handy reminders as Oscar season continues.  The Oscars will air on March 7.

Nominees for the 82nd Academy Awards. 

It’s a slow news day here around the Critical End! offices.  Sure, there are a few things of interest (the final two Harry Potter films will be in 3D, even the director of Saw VII doesn’t want to make a Saw VII, and Avatar has become the number one film of all time), but not much to write home about.

That being said, we’re proud to introduce a new feature: Birthday wishes!  Today’s birthday wish goes out to one of my favorite contemporary directors, Frank Darabont.  You may recall him as the Oscar nominated writer/director of such crowd favorites as The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile.  He then went on to piss everybody off with a depressing little horror film called The Mist.  Chances are you never saw it, because horror films (and films starring Thomas Jane) never get any sort of Oscar buzz.  Shame on you.  

I’ve attached a clip of the birthday boy talking about the original theatrical cut of Blade Runner.  It’s a minute and a half, and if you didn’t catch it on the Blade Runner DVD, it’s very funny and worth a look.

Have a favorite Frankie film or moment?  Share below on the all new “Critical End! Birthday Wall of Coolness!” (which looks amazingly like our standard comment section).  Mr. Darabont is 51 today.

Cars is easily my least favorite Pixar film to date.  Not only was it completely lacking all of the elements that usually set Pixar films apart from generic kids crap like G-Force or anything Dreamworks animation has done in the past 10 years, but it even seemed like Pixar was dumbing itself down to reach the type of audience who think that Larry the Cable Guy is the height of comedy.  (Oh yeah, and I had this whole other issue about a world where even the bugs are small cars with wings.  I mean, who made the cars?  How do they mate?  I don’t think anybody thought about this stuff except me.)

All of that being said, Pixar announced Cars 2 a few years back.  Yesterday Disney released their annual report which featured the first concept art from the soon to be Oscar winning sequel.  Check it out:

Yes, it would appear that the cast of Cars is going to Japan.  I assume Lightning McQueen and his pal (sigh) Tow Mater will expierence enough culture clash to rival that of Rush Hour 3.  Oh, and did I mention that it’s going to be in 3D?

Cars 2 crashes into theaters later this year.

[via CHUD]

R.I.P. Farrah Fawcett

I’d be lying if I told you that I wasn’t excited about Edge of Darkness, Mel Gibson’s big return to acting.  Sure, it’s a plot that we’ve seen over and over again, but it’s also a plot that allows loony Gibson to do what he does best: kicking ass.

However, if there has to be just one other thing that crazy ol’ Mel is good at, it’s the fine art of resurrecting dead languages in an effort to exploit them on film.  Such was the case in his last two directorial efforts, which have featured everything from Aramaic to the little known Yucatec Maya language. 

So, what’s next for wacky pants Mel?  Old Norse.  Yes, you read that right.  Zany brainy Mel let it fly during a press conference for Edge of Darkness that he was making a Viking film with Leonardo DiCaprio that would feature Vikings speaking their native language.  But wait!  There’s more!  He then slightly confused everybody by saying this:

“I think it’s going to be English – the English that would have been spoken back then – and Old Norse.  Whatever the 9th century had to offer.  I’m going to give you real.” 

So, now it’s in Old English too?  Which is it going to be, Gibby?  Oh, who am I kidding?  He could remake Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome in Yiddish for all I care and still get my money.

I’m something of an Alien and Predator nerd.  I admit that even the worst film in the series, Predator 2, has a 2 disc home in my DVD collection.  I also admit that I’m quite looking forward to the upcoming Predator sequel, Predators.  Nothing but good news has come out of the rumor-mill so far: Robert Rodriguez producing, Topher Grace and Adam Brody starring (?!), non-CG effects courtesy of K.N.B., and maybe even a cameo from Schwarzenegger’s Dutch.

All of that being said, I was excited to find out that several photos were leaked out and posted online.  You can view most of them here, but I would be lying if I told you that they gave anything away…except for one that is.  Look closely at this photo of stars Adam Brody and Oleg Taktarov…

Yes, that is, in fact, a Predator standing on a goofy yellow ladder in the background.  It would appear that Hollywood has FINALLY gotten around to making the Chevy Chase-influenced slapstick Predator film that I pitched years back.

Happier times.

When Robert Zemeckis first announced that he was doing a motion capture remake of The Beatles’ Yellow Submarine for Walt Disney Pictures (Kids love stoners), I kind of laughed it off.  “Gee,” I thought.”That guy sure is getting nutty in his old age.”  Now that they’ve actually announced the cast, I’m just now realizing that this wasn’t some elaborate joke and Zemeckis has, for the most part, gone batshit insane.  Does anybody really want another crappy Zemeckis mo-cap film, let alone one that features that nerdy British guy from Harper’s Island as Ringo and Cary Elwes as George?

Zemeckis has always been one of my favorite directors, and for what it’s worth, I stood by him during Polar Express and his mostly nude Beowulf, but this has got to stop.  Do you think the guy even remembers how to make a real movie with actual people?  Raise your hand if you want him to make just one more straight forward adventure-comedy.  Do you see all those hands, Robert?  We all believe that you have at least one classic Hollywood blockbuster left in you.  Give us a call when you decide to make it.

Assuming Obama doesn’t end up interrupting it with the State of the Union address (boring!), need I remind you that we’re less than a month away from the final season of Lost?  Who’s excited?  Anybody?  Hello?  Bueller?  Bueller?  Well, nevertheless, here’s a fun little promo from last summer’s Comic-Con that maybe even you non-hardcore fans (how can you be a non-hardcore fan of Lost?) may enjoy.  Then you should head over to E! and read the minutes from the cast and crew Liveblog on Tuesday.  LESS THAN A MONTH!

I think the subject says all you need to know, but TMZ reported a few days back that Critical End! fav Eli Roth was kayaking off the coast of Mexico when he decided to start punching out a whole rock full of sea urchins.  Needless to say, he was stung over 200 hundred times, but if sea urchins have asses, then I’m sure several were kicked.

The actual story (complete with a nasty photo of Roth’s swollen foot), can be found at TMZ…however, I should point out that your pals and gals here at Critical End! think TMZ is rather lame, so why not just enjoy this picture of Roth dancing on a hotel balcony instead:

Hey, ladies...come a little closer and let me link my ponytail to your banshee.

I can’t quite explain why Avatar is still number one at the box office and is well on its way to breaking records.  I also can’t explain why a lot of this is apparently due to repeat business.  Do people really want to sit through that film twice?  All 162 minutes of it?  Sigh.

Whatever the case may be (Personally?  I think that a lot of people are just plain dumb, but what do I know?), Cameron has announced a longer version of the film when it finally reaches DVD/Blu-Ray.  I’m sure this makes a lot of you dateless losers very excited, but before you go pitching a tent in your pants, consider this great quote from Cameron in regards to the laughable sex scene that was merely hinted at in the theatrical version:

“We had it in and we cut it out. So that will be something for the special edition DVD, if you want to see how they have sex.”

Yes, that is a actual quote from Cameron…and he’s not kidding.  I couldn’t make this crap up.  CHUD has the full story, which goes into slightly more detail.

You are now free to pitch that tent…perv.