Critical End!

I already wasted time and web space making fun of the (sigh) Planet of the Apes prequel back in May, so let’s just get to the goods, shall we?  This is either the first photo from the set of Rise of the Apes, or some strange guy in a bodysuit following James Franco and his girlfriend home.

Decide for yourself in our comment section below.

via CHUD

Sandler on the set of his comedic remake of "Taxi Driver". Suri Cruise is playing the Jodie Foster part.

Remember last year when we heard that Adam Sandler would play both Jack and Jill in a romantic comedy of the same name?    That’s still a thing.  I’ve learned from I Watch Stuff that Katie Holmes is being groomed for the role of Jack’s wife, which at least means we can all thank God that Sandler will not be shamelessly wooing himself on film.

But the real tragedy here is that while Jack and Jill is an actual multi-million dollar film, my pitch for the Dane Cook vehicle Old Mother Hubbard (Dane Cook must disguise himself as his own grandmother while still trying to score with the chick from Twilight) is still languishing in development hell!  By which I mean Peter Segal hasn’t called me back yet.  So I’ve decided that every time I read another stupid piece of news about Jack and Jill, I’ll churn out another “Nursery Rhyme Title as Raunchy Romantic Comedy” premise.  Eventually, Hollywood’s sure to snap one up.  Here’s my latest:

Peter Peter
Jonah Hill stars as college senior Peter Peter.  He’s about to graduate and he still hasn’t got up the nerve to ask out the hottest girl on campus (played by whoever almost wins this season of The Bachelor).  His love life isn’t helped by his terrible allergy to pumpkin, which–instead of giving him a rash or killing him–causes him to launch involuntarily into a series of hilarious, and often racist, character voices.  When the hotty dares him to eat 100 pumpkin pies before graduation, with a night of passion as the prize, Peter’s got no choice but to grab the Cool Whip and hope his uncontrollable alter egos don’t get him into too much trouble!

Done.  Money in the bank.

Adam Green’s Hatchet was no work of art, but it completely delivered the “Old School American Horror” that the posters promised.  I left the theater thinking Green could be the next Eli Roth, and started wishing for a whole slew of quickly made Hatchet sequels, a la the Friday the 13th films in the ’80’s.

Three years and a few decent films later, Green is finally granting my wish.  And while the teaser trailer for Hatchet II spends most of it’s time reviewing the first film, I have to admit that I’m still very excited.  Let’s hope that this gets a wide enough release so I can catch it in theaters.

Are you aware that we live in a world where a film like Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, arguably one of the funniest and most creative films of the year, bombs at the box office, while Vampires Suck opens as a certified hit?  What’s wrong with people?

I also find this surprising as I was under the impression that the Twilight series was already funny enough.  I mean, why bother with a spoof when the material being spoofed is funnier?  Case in point: Breaking Dawn.  Sure, it’s not even out yet, but if it ends up anything at all like the book, we’re looking at what might possibly be THE BEST WORST FILM EVER.  Ryan and I discussed it back in this podcast, but here’s the quick version in case you missed it:

At a certain point, I begin to wonder if being a guy who has hated almost everything Wes Craven does but still continues to follow his work for some reason, is any different from being his biggest fan.  Maybe I’m just kidding myself?  Or is that killing myself!

Anyway, he’s actually directing again!  Check out the trailer for My Soul to Take. The original title was 25/8, but presumably Craven couldn’t get funding for that many eighths. It’s pretty much your standard slasher, with the twist that one of the kids may be the reincarnated spirit of the murderer.  Kind of a neat idea.  I wonder how he’ll screw it up.

[via I Watch Stuff]

But only long enough to draw your attention to this video.  Pretty well encapsulates why I tend to prefer my couch these days.

FOX 5 News out of Atlanta was lucky enough to score an interview with both Jason Schwartzman and Michael Cera as they were traveling the country promoting Scott Pilgrim vs the World.  Honestly, I could care less what they said about the film.  What I really want to hear them talk about is the weather in Atlanta.

A million points to the FOX 5 News team for allowing this to happen.  I just hope nobody in Atlanta needed to know what the actual weather was like that day.

Speaks for itself.  You should probably have seen the movie before you watch this.

Remember when Ryan told us all about the new Wile E. Coyote shorts that Warner Bros. plans to start placing in front of kids films?  Well, if you’re anything like me (and I assume you are, minus the raw sexiness), then you’d love to see a bit of it without having to pay to see Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore. 

Well, being that this is the internet and all, it was only a matter of time before somebody broke a bunch of copyright laws and posted a bit of it online.

I have to say: I’m loving it so far.

…there’s always the upcoming Saw 3D…

…which you plan to avoid completely unless your name is Logan or Ryan.

Seriously, kids, THIS is the only reason that the money-grabbing Hollywood gimmick that is 3D should stick around a bit longer:

Did you see that?!  The piranha hissed at that girl…underwater!  And Eli Roth and Christopher Lloyd were both there!  IN 3D!  I smell Oscars!

Did somebody say "Predators 2"? BOO-YAH!

It seems that your pals here at Critical End! reviewed the so-so Predators only a few weeks ago, and the film is still playing in most theaters, but that didn’t stop Robert Rodriguez from talking up Predators 2 at this year’s Comic-Con!

“They really wanted [Predators] to be pretty contained, pretty scaled-back.  They didn’t want to put too many of the ideas into it that we could save for a second one.  So we could see what the appetite was, because the bigger movie would actually be what comes following that.  That kind of sets up a new storyline, new location and world, and then you can really go crazy from there.”

Wait, so now they tell me that Predators was just a set up for more sequels?!  If only I had known, as Predators 2: Predator 4, is bound to be a much better film!  Damn.

Anyway, Rodriguez says that he may direct it, but not until he finishes Sin City 2, which means that we can look forward to a release date in the Summer of when Hell freezes over. 

via IGN

/Film posted this clip of M Night Shyamalan at a foreign press event for The Last Airbender.  The reporter essentially points out that everybody liked The Sixth Sense but the rest of his stuff has been crap, and Airbender sure looks like a desperate attempt to regain some commercial success.

Shyamalan counters by saying that if he thought that way he’d kill himself which results in an unsuccessful attempt from his non sequitur cabana boy sidekick to start a round of applause.  Seriously, who the hell is that guy?  [UPDATE: My apologies, it’s one of the actresses from the movie.]  The director goes on to say, essentially, that his films have only been getting better, and it’s comments like this one that make him want to go off and be a painter instead.

At first, I thought that was a great idea.  Mediocrity often goes completely unnoticed in the art world!  But I changed my mind after considering how Shyamalan might screw up some of our most beloved works of art…

The Girl With a Pearl Earing – Jan Vermeer

Shyamalan Twist: The very earing that makes the girl so desirable to the local boys is actually a disgusting tumor that she meticulously coats with mercury-based paint every day to hide her grotesque and debilitating illness.

The Last Supper – Leonardo Da Vinci

Shyamalan Twist: Ever wonder why all of the apostles look so confused and concerned?  It’s because they’re all like “Wait a minute…THAT’S NOT JESUS!”  And they’re right!  It’s Jesus’s evil twin Gunther.  He totally tricked everybody into eating his flesh and drinking his blood as a joke.

The Scream – Edvard Munch

Shyamalan Twist: Most people accept this painting at face value: a man screaming.  But take a closer, Shyamalany look.  Stop seeing what is there, and start seeing what isn’t.  That’s right.  IT WAS A PLANET WITH NO BICYCLES THE WHOLE TIME!

Sunflowers – Vincent Van Gogh

Shyamalan Twist: Actually a painting of a MIRROR that’s reflecting a vase of sunflowers!!!  Also the sunflowers are coming to kill you.

Mona Lisa – Leonardo Da Vinci

Shyamalan Twist: A dude.

Murray in every movie he's made in the last ten years.

I’ve been saying it for years now: Bill Murray doesn’t deserve your respect and high praise.  While other great comedians from the late ’70’s have slowly disappeared in shame over the past decade, Murray has only gained ground for doing nothing more than being a depressed jerk.  Granted, some of my favorites (ahem, Chevy Chase) made some real stinkers during their careers, but did they beat up their wife, claim scripts that they haven’t even read suck, start fights with more successful actors, or make not one, but two Garfield movies? 

Okay, Murray claims he can explain the Garfield movies.  Well, the first one at least.  You see, it turns out that he’s a complete fucking retard.  Don’t believe me?  Here he is describing his decision to do Garfield in his own words from a recent GQ interview.  I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to. 

“I looked at the script, and it said, ‘So-and-so and Joel Coen.’  And I thought…well, I love those Coens!  They’re funny!  So I sorta read a few pages of it and thought, Yeah, I’d like to do that.” 

Wait wait wait.  You mean to tell me that Bill Murray, being the stunning hipster god that he his, thought that a script for a movie based off of a daily newspaper comic strip starring a fat, lasagna-loving orange cat was written by the Coen brothers?!  Those of us who can read English know that Garfield was written by Joel Cohen, of Cheaper by the Dozen fame.  But wait!  It gets better!   

See, you would think that Murray, once again being the beyond intelligent voice of hipster comedy that he is, would notice that it wasn’t a Coen brothers film once he started recording the dialogue.  Well, you would think wrong.  In fact, it wasn’t until Murray was watching the film that he noticed something was not quite right.  Here’s Murray with more: 

“So I sat down and watched the whole thing, and I kept saying, ‘Who the hell cut this thing? Who did this? What the fuck was Coen thinking?’  And then they explained it to me: It wasn’t written by that Joel Coen.” 

Seriously, folks.  I kid you not.  Meanwhile, all of this Bill Murray being a complete and utter moron stuff is great, but how does it even begin to explain why he did Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties?  Did he make the same mistake twice?  I’m willing to believe that Bill lied to GQ in this interview just to clear his name, but if that’s true, we can’t ignore the fact that the man still made two Garfield movies…and Larger Than Life.  I don’t see him explaining that one with some nonsensical story about how he thought it was written by Frank Capra. 

Listen, I’ve loved some of Murray’s work just as much as most of you, but let’s not ignore the fact that he’s made just as much crap (if not more) as other comedians of his era.  Sure, you can spend your time calling Chevy and other great comic actors of that time pretentious assholes, but don’t forget the reality here: Bill Murray is an asshole too.  

Or maybe you just started ignoring that at some point. 

via GQ

I think that America is in need of a new grandmother, because I’m kind of getting tired of Betty White.

Now hold on a minute before you hit submit on that “Logan Sux!” comment.  I love Betty White just as much as everybody else does…but just like your real grandmother, it doesn’t matter how much you may love her, you still don’t want her around all the time. 

Yet, within the last year it’s become near impossible to do anything without seeing Betty White.  She’s in commercials, on TV shows, in more movies a month than Samuel L. Jackson, and yesterday I opened the local paper only to discover that she’s coming to my town.  I kid you not. 

And this morning I came across even more Betty news: The Hollywood Reporter is, um, Hollywood Reporting that Betty is all set to play a wacky anthropology professor in the season two premiere of Community.  Now there’s some Betty White news I can get behind…assuming that her and Chevy get into some sort of old people fight.

Oh yeah, and a recent CHUD article (brilliantly titled “Enough with Betty White Already”) is claiming that White may be the front-runner for the George Burns role in the remake of Oh God!  Okay, I admit that I’d see that as well.

But as for the forty million other films/shows/commercials/video games/hip hop albums that Betty White has planned for this year?  Pass.  Betty, I love you, but we kind of get the point: You do things that most old women wouldn’t for a laugh.  We’re past that now.  Let’s move on.

Oh, and my vote for America’s next wacky grandmother?