Critical End!

Seriously, kids, THIS is the only reason that the money-grabbing Hollywood gimmick that is 3D should stick around a bit longer:

Did you see that?!  The piranha hissed at that girl…underwater!  And Eli Roth and Christopher Lloyd were both there!  IN 3D!  I smell Oscars!

Logan and I joked that a 25th Anniversary blu-ray edition of Goonies was certainly on the way, and sure enough here it is.  Now, when I finally saw the film for the first time, I thought the DVD cover was a bit misleading.

Here’s the DVD version:

So, yeah, they do end up in that cave at the climax of the film, and there is a lot of treasure, though they never stand atop piles of the stuff.  And that’s all in the last 15 minutes.  But I get it, that’s probably the part of the film everybody remembers and it’s being exaggerated for the sake of marketing.  No big deal.

Now here’s the Blu-ray art:

Okay, fun’s fun, but that’s a bit disingenuous.  Yes, this could be considered a re-imagining of the final shot, when the adventure is completely over.  But if you haven’t seen the film, this implies that the Goonies set sail for high seas shenanigans, which just isn’t true.  Most of the movie takes place in dark tunnels.  I realize they wanted something visually distinct from the DVD, but it seems a shame to throw out that classy 80’s painted artwork in favor of a barely-related photoshop job.

Anywho, the new set comes with a ton of goodies, including a a brand new Goonies board game for all your drunken board game party needs.  Look for it November 2nd.

[Via /Film]

Did somebody say "Predators 2"? BOO-YAH!

It seems that your pals here at Critical End! reviewed the so-so Predators only a few weeks ago, and the film is still playing in most theaters, but that didn’t stop Robert Rodriguez from talking up Predators 2 at this year’s Comic-Con!

“They really wanted [Predators] to be pretty contained, pretty scaled-back.  They didn’t want to put too many of the ideas into it that we could save for a second one.  So we could see what the appetite was, because the bigger movie would actually be what comes following that.  That kind of sets up a new storyline, new location and world, and then you can really go crazy from there.”

Wait, so now they tell me that Predators was just a set up for more sequels?!  If only I had known, as Predators 2: Predator 4, is bound to be a much better film!  Damn.

Anyway, Rodriguez says that he may direct it, but not until he finishes Sin City 2, which means that we can look forward to a release date in the Summer of when Hell freezes over. 

via IGN

Well, I really wanted to link you guys to a great interview that Can’t Get Enough Futurama did with one of the show’s writers.  It’s interesting both to fans of the show and anyone curious about TV writing in general.  Unfortunately, the site’s down or something.  It was fine this morning, but now it keeps asking for a password.  Click the link and maybe it will be working again by the time you read this.

In the meantime, I’m very happy to report that after two lackluster episodes, the new season of Futurama is finally hitting its stride.  The last three have all been worthy of the show’s original run.  If you’re not watching, you should be. Check the clip below for a taste.

/Film posted this clip of M Night Shyamalan at a foreign press event for The Last Airbender.  The reporter essentially points out that everybody liked The Sixth Sense but the rest of his stuff has been crap, and Airbender sure looks like a desperate attempt to regain some commercial success.

Shyamalan counters by saying that if he thought that way he’d kill himself which results in an unsuccessful attempt from his non sequitur cabana boy sidekick to start a round of applause.  Seriously, who the hell is that guy?  [UPDATE: My apologies, it’s one of the actresses from the movie.]  The director goes on to say, essentially, that his films have only been getting better, and it’s comments like this one that make him want to go off and be a painter instead.

At first, I thought that was a great idea.  Mediocrity often goes completely unnoticed in the art world!  But I changed my mind after considering how Shyamalan might screw up some of our most beloved works of art…

The Girl With a Pearl Earing – Jan Vermeer

Shyamalan Twist: The very earing that makes the girl so desirable to the local boys is actually a disgusting tumor that she meticulously coats with mercury-based paint every day to hide her grotesque and debilitating illness.

The Last Supper – Leonardo Da Vinci

Shyamalan Twist: Ever wonder why all of the apostles look so confused and concerned?  It’s because they’re all like “Wait a minute…THAT’S NOT JESUS!”  And they’re right!  It’s Jesus’s evil twin Gunther.  He totally tricked everybody into eating his flesh and drinking his blood as a joke.

The Scream – Edvard Munch

Shyamalan Twist: Most people accept this painting at face value: a man screaming.  But take a closer, Shyamalany look.  Stop seeing what is there, and start seeing what isn’t.  That’s right.  IT WAS A PLANET WITH NO BICYCLES THE WHOLE TIME!

Sunflowers – Vincent Van Gogh

Shyamalan Twist: Actually a painting of a MIRROR that’s reflecting a vase of sunflowers!!!  Also the sunflowers are coming to kill you.

Mona Lisa – Leonardo Da Vinci

Shyamalan Twist: A dude.

We recorded a podcast in two minutes that takes more than one minute to listen to. Wait, what? REVIEWED: Inception.  PLUS: Green fairy babies.

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Murray in every movie he's made in the last ten years.

I’ve been saying it for years now: Bill Murray doesn’t deserve your respect and high praise.  While other great comedians from the late ’70’s have slowly disappeared in shame over the past decade, Murray has only gained ground for doing nothing more than being a depressed jerk.  Granted, some of my favorites (ahem, Chevy Chase) made some real stinkers during their careers, but did they beat up their wife, claim scripts that they haven’t even read suck, start fights with more successful actors, or make not one, but two Garfield movies? 

Okay, Murray claims he can explain the Garfield movies.  Well, the first one at least.  You see, it turns out that he’s a complete fucking retard.  Don’t believe me?  Here he is describing his decision to do Garfield in his own words from a recent GQ interview.  I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to. 

“I looked at the script, and it said, ‘So-and-so and Joel Coen.’  And I thought…well, I love those Coens!  They’re funny!  So I sorta read a few pages of it and thought, Yeah, I’d like to do that.” 

Wait wait wait.  You mean to tell me that Bill Murray, being the stunning hipster god that he his, thought that a script for a movie based off of a daily newspaper comic strip starring a fat, lasagna-loving orange cat was written by the Coen brothers?!  Those of us who can read English know that Garfield was written by Joel Cohen, of Cheaper by the Dozen fame.  But wait!  It gets better!   

See, you would think that Murray, once again being the beyond intelligent voice of hipster comedy that he is, would notice that it wasn’t a Coen brothers film once he started recording the dialogue.  Well, you would think wrong.  In fact, it wasn’t until Murray was watching the film that he noticed something was not quite right.  Here’s Murray with more: 

“So I sat down and watched the whole thing, and I kept saying, ‘Who the hell cut this thing? Who did this? What the fuck was Coen thinking?’  And then they explained it to me: It wasn’t written by that Joel Coen.” 

Seriously, folks.  I kid you not.  Meanwhile, all of this Bill Murray being a complete and utter moron stuff is great, but how does it even begin to explain why he did Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties?  Did he make the same mistake twice?  I’m willing to believe that Bill lied to GQ in this interview just to clear his name, but if that’s true, we can’t ignore the fact that the man still made two Garfield movies…and Larger Than Life.  I don’t see him explaining that one with some nonsensical story about how he thought it was written by Frank Capra. 

Listen, I’ve loved some of Murray’s work just as much as most of you, but let’s not ignore the fact that he’s made just as much crap (if not more) as other comedians of his era.  Sure, you can spend your time calling Chevy and other great comic actors of that time pretentious assholes, but don’t forget the reality here: Bill Murray is an asshole too.  

Or maybe you just started ignoring that at some point. 

via GQ

A few hours after posting yesterday’s news about Betty White appearing on the Community season 2 premiere, NBC announced their Fall 2010 schedule.  While there’s a few new shows to catch, and the usual must-see-TV crap, the real news here is that you need to go ahead and free up Thursday, September 23rd, as that’s the date Community returns to us.

And while you’re at it, why not keep September 21st free as well?  That’s the date Community season 1 hits DVD. 

Oh, and since you’re looking at your calender anyway, why not keep October 22nd free too?  That’s my birthday.

via HitFix

I think that America is in need of a new grandmother, because I’m kind of getting tired of Betty White.

Now hold on a minute before you hit submit on that “Logan Sux!” comment.  I love Betty White just as much as everybody else does…but just like your real grandmother, it doesn’t matter how much you may love her, you still don’t want her around all the time. 

Yet, within the last year it’s become near impossible to do anything without seeing Betty White.  She’s in commercials, on TV shows, in more movies a month than Samuel L. Jackson, and yesterday I opened the local paper only to discover that she’s coming to my town.  I kid you not. 

And this morning I came across even more Betty news: The Hollywood Reporter is, um, Hollywood Reporting that Betty is all set to play a wacky anthropology professor in the season two premiere of Community.  Now there’s some Betty White news I can get behind…assuming that her and Chevy get into some sort of old people fight.

Oh yeah, and a recent CHUD article (brilliantly titled “Enough with Betty White Already”) is claiming that White may be the front-runner for the George Burns role in the remake of Oh God!  Okay, I admit that I’d see that as well.

But as for the forty million other films/shows/commercials/video games/hip hop albums that Betty White has planned for this year?  Pass.  Betty, I love you, but we kind of get the point: You do things that most old women wouldn’t for a laugh.  We’re past that now.  Let’s move on.

Oh, and my vote for America’s next wacky grandmother?

On the set of his new film: Unemployment.

Have you heard the news?  It seems that several news sites are reporting that Mel Gibson is crazy.  Rest assured that your pals here at Critical End! will let you know all about it once we figure out what the actual news part of this story is.

Guess what, you guys?  Marvel has dropped Edward Norton from Avengers, meaning that a THIRD actor will be called upon to reboot the characters of “Bruce Banner” and “Guy Whose Face Serves as The Very Loose Basis for a CGI Hulk Puppet.”  Now, Marvel’s probably going to go with an unknown who they can get for pennies on the dollar, but there are plenty of alternatives they’re not even considering.  For example…

Arnold Schwarzenegger
By the time they film Avengers, Schwarzenegger will be out of the governor’s office and raring to return to acting.  Clearly, the Incredible Hulk is the perfect comeback role.  Well into his sixties, Schwarzenegger will bring a more mature, world-weary quality to the part.  Now, I know what you’re thinking:  “Ryan, you sexy bastard, Arnold may have the Hulk’s physique, but didn’t Batman and Robin prove that he can’t play a nerdy scientist?”  Well, I’ll answer your question with one of my own.  Which is more expensive: creating a CGI Hulk that rips a helicopter in half?  Or creating a CGI Bruce Banner that sits pensively in a lab, contemplating the duality of man?  Exactly.  Let Arnold play the hulk, and leave Banner to the boys at ILM (and Rainn Wilson who will provide the nebishy voicework.)

Jonah Hill
The biggest problem with Bruce Banner?  He’s so depressing!  “Oh woe is me!  I can’t control my darkest urges!  The inner-torment is unbearable!”  SHADDUP ALREADY!  Jonah Hill’s unique brand of offbeat comedy (being fat and saying “fuck” a lot) is just the refreshing tweak this character needs.  Imagine the Hangover-style hijinks he and Tony Stark will get into!  Plus, instead of being insanely muscular  and driven by rage when he Hulks out, he’ll be morbidly obese and driven by his insatiable craving for KFC.  Product placement!

Katherine Heigl
It might be time to go a whole different direction and throw She-Hulk into the mix. Heigl’s a big box office draw (especially for the lady types that typically pass on superhero flicks).  And she’s sure to do it on the cheap, because she’s so notoriously difficult to work with that the only way for her to guarantee a longterm career is to attach herself to a franchise where she doesn’t actually have to appear on-set with any of her costars.  All the action will be CG, and whenever she’s Jennifer Walters, she’s got to be completely isolated due to…her…contagious radiation sickness!  Done.

The possibilities are endless.  Actually they end right there.  So, pick one and get back to me, Hollywood.  I’m sure we can negotiate a reasonable fee for my services (whatever Edward Norton wanted, double it.)

[/Film]

"Set sail for FUNventure with this week's Home School!"

I know, I know!  I introduced a brand new feature four months ago and never mentioned it again.  Put all the blame squarely on me, and not on our noble hero, Alec Baldwin, who makes his triumphant return in this installment of Alec Baldwin Home School.

You can check the first post for a proper introduction to the concept, but in short, Mr. Baldwin has announced that he’s retiring from acting.  He’s not a fan of his work, and thinks he’s never turned in a worthwhile performance.  We, gentle reader, are going to test his theory by journeying through his entire filmography.  What wonders will we find?  What horrors will we endure?  Time will tell!  The fun began with Forever, Lulu and continues now with  She’s Having a Baby.

The Film
In the late 80’s, John Hughes was writing and directing every third movie Hollywood released, thanks partly to the terrifying voodoo spell that forced all others to do his bidding, and partly to his masterful knack for pairing interesting plots with identifiable characters.  Unfortunately, that talent doesn’t really shine through in 1988’s She’s Having a Baby.

Kevin Bacon plays Jake, a young newlywed struggling to pay the bills while working nights on his novel.  He’s got no clue what he wants out of life, leading him to question his marriage to Kristy, played by Elizabeth McGovern, who is far prettier than the hair and fashion of the era would have you believe.  Of course, things get even scarier when he finds out that she is–in fact–having a baby.

But I’m getting ahead of myself, because this titular turning point doesn’t happen until like an HOUR in.  We actually begin on the young couple’s wedding day.  Our hero has cold feet, and who’s there to act as the embodiment of his desire to remain footloose (get it?) and fancy free?  None other than his best pal Davis, brought to life by one Alec Baldwin.  Davis is essentially that no-account asshole friend that everybody has in college.  He’s a lot of fun, but eventually you grow out of him.  Then when you see him again 5 years later and he hasn’t changed a bit, it’s all sad and awkward.

Davis makes a half-joking attempt to convince Jake to call off the wedding.  Both Baldwin’s performance and Bacon’s narration hint that Davis would rather keep Jake all to himself.  On the surface, it’s a comment on the pseudo-marriage that develops between best friends.  Below the surface, Davis is totally gay for Jake, and Baldwin makes sure it comes through via lots of meaningful staring at things.  Then Davis disappears for a good chunk of the film, leaving Jake to deal with his new evil father-in-law, a job he hates, and plenty of pointless arguments with Kristy.

With Jake’s depressing suburban existence firmly established, Davis shows up once again.  He’s living in New York now, but he’s brought his slutty model girlfriend along for a visit.  This leads to a big fight with Kristy, giving Davis the perfect opportunity to slide in with some straight talk.  He misses Jake.  Kristy’s great, but she’s tying him down!  He can’t be a writer in the suburbs!  He should come to New York!  It’s a pretty transparent attempt to reconnect with Jake, and he declines the offer, but it’s obvious that he’s tempted.

Then there’s some more standard-issue married life drama.  Jake’s boss tells him he’ll never be a real writer.  Jake meets some chick at a club who he begins fantasizing about.  You get the idea.  Finally, in what I took as a desperate ploy to save the relationship, Kristy attempts to get pregnant by secretly going off her birth control.  This doesn’t work, mostly because it would have been pretty depressing if it had, so she comes clean to Jake and the two start trying in earnest to have a kid.  With sex itself now reduced to work, Jake is more downtrodden than ever.

"See! I told you it'd be neat if we all switched hair!"

Hey!  Davis is back!  This time he confronts Kristy about whether Jake is ready to be a father, then awkwardly hits on her.  It’s actually the movie’s best scene.  Davis, now resigned to the fact that Jake’s not coming back to him, reaches out for a connection by proxy.  Or maybe he’s just trying to screw up their relationship, whatever.  Kristy refuses, but she’s more bemused than angry, leaving Davis confused and alone.

At last, Kristy gets pregnant and everything is magically awesome again!  Not for Davis, who we never see again and who has presumably gone off to hang himself, but who cares!  After a short montage, Kristy goes into labor.  Things look touch and go for a second because there should probably be something resembling a climax at some point, then everything turns out great.  So great, that it’s revealed that Jake has finished his novel which is entitled, oh yes, “She’s Having a Baby.”

Reaction
Sorry, John Hughes, but BOOOOOORRRRIIINNNG.  The movie’s front-loaded with a so many “Gee, we’re young and in love, but marriage sure is tough!” scenes that I mistook it for a film adaptation of For Better or For Worse.  It comes off as so cliche and easy.  Yes, starting a family is scary, and it’s clear that Hughes is writing from his own experience, but he brings nothing new to the trope.  Not to mention the fact that everything just kind of serendipitously  works out for Jake and Kristy, to the point that it feels like that’s the moral.  “I know it seems like every moment of your life since you said ‘I do’ has been a horrible mistake, but don’t worry!  At some point you’ll have a kid and everything will suddenly make perfect sense!”  Plus it’s slow and not that funny.

Luckily, for our purposes anyway, the highlight of the film is actually Alec Baldwin.  I’d have rather seen a movie about the mournful, sardonic, closeted homosexual who boxes up his longing for his best friend and drowns it in booze and blonds until he snaps and makes a laughable pass at the very woman who robbed him of his happiness.  But even as an ancillary character in a bland family comedy, Davis shines.  You can see his repressed feelings simmering under the surface in every scene, and he gets some of the best lines in the film, including the one I’ve quoted below, which you’ll want to adopt as your new Facebook status immediately.

My only knock is that Baldwin has the melodrama meter cranked up to dangerous levels.  Every impressive display of subtle emotion is immediately followed by a mood swing or bout of pensive smoking.  Still, I dug the performance, and I view it as a great second entry in our subject’s catalog.

Final Stats
Movie Rating: 5 out of 10
Baldwin Rating: 7 out of 10
Biggest Takeaway: This explains why that dude I played hacky sack with on the quad cried when I graduated.
Quote for Your Facebook Status: “It’s rude and it’s wrong, but it’s right on the money.”

Kudos to fellow movie nerd Harry Hanrahan, who has put together a great list of the 100 best movie insults.  The great thing about this list (besides the fact that it features it’s fair share of movies I love AND Chevy Chase) is that it’s in easy to digest video form.  It’s also a lot of fun to attempt to name all of the movies, so why not set aside ten minutes today, gather around your co-workers, and have a good laugh on company time?  You’ve earned it.

"Mo' galleons, mo' problems, kid."

Not much going on today, so I’ll jump on Logan’s HP bandwagon and mention this story from /Film.  It’s a little hard to believe that one of the highest grossing movies of all time made NO PROFIT, thus allowing Warner Bros. to wiggle out of their agreement to pay certain actors and crew members a percentage of the take.

No word as to who exactly is affected by this, but when you’re getting back end points, it’s a pretty safe bet you’re one of the principal players, meaning that Warner is brazenly dipping into Hermione’s college fund.  Okay, theyr’e all like 30 now, but the point stands.  Doesn’t it?  I don’t know.  Not much going on today.