But I kid. Here’s a clip from The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, Heath Ledger’s final film. Looks to be the usual Gilliam oddness, made all the odder by the knowledge that Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law will all show up at some point to pretend they’re Heath Ledger and that really everything’s fine, and not all of Terry Gilliam’s movies are cursed by some vengeful movie God bent on punishing him for Baron Munchausen.
Christmas movie that will be gone from theaters before Thanksgiving? (No really, look at the date on the poster.)
But ignoring all that, Disney is going to promote this thing by carting props and marketing around to 40 cities in a vintage train. At each stop they plan to unload a giant inflatable 3D theater and do sneak previews of the film. I hear about these train tours from time to time and I’m always left wondering, “Are there still trains? Are trains still a thing?”
Where, within these 40 cities, is this train going to stop? Is it like Harry Potter where you have to find the magical entrance to some hidden anachronistic train platform? Or is Disney building an entire rail system solely for the promotion of their poor man’s Grinch?
Either way, I look forward to similar stunts in the future. Perhaps a cross-country hot air balloon tour for Up, a Romanian caravan tour for the Pinocchio Blu-ray, or a sewer-traversing exercise ball tour for G-Force. Speaking of which, this is exquisite.
As you’ve probably noticed, we’ve been a few weeks behind the times podcast-wise, lately. To celebrate Memorial Day, we’re getting our act together and finally opening the vault on unreleased episodes revealing our shocking thoughts on the Crank series, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and Star Trek. Plus a special show on our five best and worst remakes.
So catch up along with us and we’ll all be on the same page come Tuesday for the big Terminator retrospective. Or else Uncle Sam’s gonna getcha.
Jason Statham punches his way into our hearts as his threatens to stop beating. REVIEWED: Crank, Crank: High Voltage. PLUS: An old friend stops by for a game.
Some of you may recall my open letter to NBC back in March about the fate of a certain new show starring the absolute dream cast of Chevy Chase and Joel McHale. Today I am proud to report that this wonderful show, or Community as the gods have so named it, is now a reality. Let there be dancing in the streets.
Since IMDB doesn’t have a listing for it yet, the only info I have found is a short two line summary on this site. Don’t bother clicking on it, as here’s the best part:
Needless to say, I think I just peed a little. Is it too soon to declare this the greatest show ever? I think not.
Uh oh. He's got that look in his eyes that can only mean one thing: MURDER (or perhaps "taco night").
You know, there’s a reason I stopped inviting Kiefer Sutherland to my pool parties. Sure, he always brought some killer homemade guacamole and a great collection of Devo records, but he was always too quick to headbutt all of my guests.
And now it seems that the ol’ Kiefernator is at it again: New York City police are currently investigating an incident where, and I swear I’m not making this up, Sutherland apparently headbutted fashion designer Jack McCollough at an upscale party. The reason? McCollough bumped into Brooke Shields and refused to apologize. A spokesperson for Shields had the following to say about the incident:
“Nothing happened to her. Jack did nothing inappropriate. It’s not clear what caused Keifer to do what he did.”
Oh, I’ll tell you what caused him to do what he did: HE’S KIEFER SUTHERLAND. This is what he does, people! Haven’t the New York City police ever seen a Kiefer film, or as I like to call them, a Kiefer Klassic? Listen folks, I know that if I ever meet Sutherland I’m not going to ask him to sign my black and white 8×10 of him in Young Guns II, I’m going to ask him to freakin’ headbutt it…with his head.
Fair warning: This should NOT be your first episode of Critical End! (The Podcast) as it’s the weirdest damn show we’ve ever done. Join us as we celebrate our tenth (?) episode. REVIEWED (eventually): Dragonball Evolution.
It’s hard not to like Joe Dante’s 1978 film Piranha. Sure it was just a lame Roger Corman produced rip-off of Jaws, but in Dante’s hands it became a cult classic. How can you not like a film that’s got mutated killer fish eating a group of elementary school kids, Dick Miller in a huge cowboy hat, and one of my favorite horror movie lines, “Terror, horror, death. Film at eleven.”
But enough about how much I love Joe Dante and how some day he’ll have all my little Logan Jr.’s. You see, Hollywood is remaking Piranha…in 3D…with Elisabeth Shue. Some of you may recall that it was already remade in 1995 as a made for TV movie (which was completely forgettable except for the fact that it starred a young Soleil Moon Frye AND Mila Kunis), but it seems that what Hollywood really thinks it needs is a gory 3D update from that loony French guy who made the pretty bland High Tension. What was his name? Alexandre Aja or something. Crazy French and their crazy…Frenchness. As far as the remake goes, I feel like it could work. We’ll have to wait to find out, so until then why not rent the original this summer?
Anyway, what I really want to talk about is span style=”text-decoration: line-through;”>Joe Dante some more the recent news I read about Richard Dreyfuss shooting a cameo in the new remake. It turns out that the cameo will be an homage to his role in Jaws. So, if I’m understanding this correctly, Dreyfuss is doing an homage to his classic character in a film that is a remake of a rip off of the original film that featured his classic character. Does that sound about right? I was never great at math.
It’s no secret that Eli Roth is my favorite horror director of recent years (cue hate mail), so I was both extremely happy and extremely all like “Huh?” when I read this story over at MTV movies. I know you don’t have time to read it, what with your busy online schedule of keeping up with everything that your ex is doing on Facebook (that slut).
I’ll hit the three highlights:
1. The “Huh?” news? Roth is trying to get his first big honkin’ budget movie made. So, what’s it about? I’ll let him take it from here:
“I don’t want to give away the title yet, because I have to make sure I own it 100%, but it’s going to be something that is really fun with lots of mass destruction. I wanted to do something along the lines of Transformers or Cloverfield that was a little more science fiction-based, and with lots of chaos and mass destruction. I don’t want to say what [the monster is] yet. Once it gets set up, I will let everyone know. It is not aliens or robots or a virus – it’s a little more grounded. But when people hear it they are going to be like That is going to be insane!”
Okay, Roth, I’m intrigued. I can only hope that it’s better than, well, Transformers or Cloverfield.
2. Okay, so this isn’t really a highlight so much as a comment: When did MTV start scoring all the good movie scoops? This is the third time that your pals at Critical End! have linked to their site and I’m kinda getting tired of it. Each time I feel like I lose a bit more of my soul. Where was I? Oh, yes…
3. The extremely exciting news: It also would appear that Roth is finally getting around to making Thanksgiving! Roth again:
“The plan is this: I want to do a huge budget movie, but tack on three weeks to the end of it and shoot Thanksgiving. I want to do an $80 million dollar movie, and then schedule three weeks at the end to quickly shoot a $5 million dollar movie.”
What’s all this hooplah? Some of you may recall Roth’s way way way over the top faux trailer to Thanksgiving in the mediocre Grindhouse. If so, you may realize why I’m so excited. In little under three minutes, Roth managed to parody and pay tribute to the slasher genre in such a way that I wanted to stand up and cheer after it was over…but then Tarantino’s Death Proof came on and I fell asleep.
Anyway, in case you missed it, check out the awesomeness below. That is all.
Jackie Earle Haley is not locked in your dreams with you. You are locked in your dreams with Jackie Earle Haley.
The Wes Craven remake train is once again pulling into the station and look who’s clinging to the smokestack, cackling maniacally! Â Rorschach is the new Freddy and I’m pretty jazzed.
The rumor that Robert Englund might direct, write, or be involved in some way other than the expected fan-service cameo seems to have been just that. Still, if they’re going to reboot Nightmare, Jackie Earle Haley is a solid choice.
So, the question is:Â will they go grim and gritty (a la New Nightmare) or will Haley be treating us with some patented Freddy post-murder bon mots?
