Critical End!

I probably should have posted this on Memorial Day, but if you’re feeling that mid-week slump and need a little inspiration, try this video on for size.

Hey, long time Critical End! fans!  Remember us complaining about this godawful poster last year?

Click on the poster for a link to the retro CE! article!

Wow.  Looking at that again, I still can’t figure out why the two sides of Kristen Stewart’s face just can’t get along.  Anyway, It seems that Summit Entertainment learned their lesson last time about badly cropped posters, as they’ve taken an entirely new approach with the upcoming Breaking Dawn: Part One teaser poster.  That approach?  Laziness. 

 

I’ve always wondered if Alan Rickman was truly into the Harry Potter films or just doing it for the check. That’s why it’s great to read this sweet, genuine note he penned for Empire Magazine about his experience with the character and his trio of young costars. I’m betting the cast and crew of Bottle Shock didn’t even get Christmas cards.

[Via I Watch Stuff]

REVIEWED: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Sorry, but after nine and a half hours of pirate movies, I have no witty comment for this description.

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Since nearly every chain theater in America went digital, I’ve noticed something odd taking place.  I can even remember the first film I noticed it: Saw III.  With it’s mostly muted colors and overall grey tone, the film appeared, to put it bluntly, too dark.  However, most of the Saw films were supposed to look like they were shot in a crypt, so I shrugged it off and returned to complaining about the group of underage teens who were talking and recording most of the film on their cell phones.

But then I started noticing it during other movies.  Sherlock Holmes, Clash of the Titans, Shutter Island, and this weekend, Pirates if the Caribbean.  Sure, I could see most of the action, but surely not all of these films were meant to look this dark and faded.  I would mention it to others, and often did, but they would suggest I get my eyes checked and start talking about how clear digital projectors have made films.

Guess what?  Turns out I was right.

Theaters are ripping us off and we have digital projectors and 3D films to blame.  Even if you’re seeing a film in 2D.  What am I on about?  Roger Ebert has written a great article that discusses this very problem and how it’s quickly becoming the norm.  Quick: Give it a read.

As usual, I’m glad to be right, however this looks to be a major problem that nobody is going to care to fix.  Ebert recommends that we should complain and get a refund.  He makes a great point, but I can already imagine the reaction I’ll get when I attempt to explain what’s wrong to some pimply faced teenager.

So…anybody else noticing this?

The hijinks of Danny DeVito can't save you now, Arnold.

Damn you, Arnold! I was all excited about your return to film and then you go and retroactively have had an affair, complete with love child. Now the Daily Beast reports that you’re putting your career on hold and that that wonderfully goofy Governator cartoon has been scrapped.  I waited for however-many long years you were in office to get another taste of your unique brand of goofy machismo and just when the prize is in sight you decide it’s time to focus on your multiple families.

Look, obviously the Schwarzeneggers are going through a tough time, and I hope they work it out and get through this.  But in the meantime, wouldn’t it be healthy for Arnold to lose himself in his work a little?  And by his work I mean movies where he’s a violent robot, alien hunter, or undercover spy.

Until then, we’ll have to look elsewhere for over-the-top performances and badly written dialog.  Like, say…video games!

Hello from Sunday night!  That’s actually when I’m typing this.  I’m going on vacation this week and because I’m can’t predict the future of the entertainment biz and still have to post something today, I decided to slap this together really fast.  It’s not like anybody is going to read it anyway, right?  I mean, after our first year or so most of you went on permanent vacation from this site.  You know who you are.  It seems like the only hits we get any more are from people searching for “hairy old men” and “steve guttenberg in dress”.  Shame on all of you.

Here’s a random clip of Chevy Chase that you’ve never seen before.  Why?  Because you won’t watch it anyway and I’m on vacation.  So fuck off.

Your friend in Christ,
Logan

…is sadly not online yet. [UPDATE: Yes it is! See below.] But I saw it before Pirates this weekend and I can confirm that it’s got just the tone I was looking for. I’ll update this post with a link as soon as it becomes available (I’m hoping sometime today). Until then, here’s an awesome custom-made theater policy ad that Sesame Street did for Lowes Theatres. Judging by how quiet Ernie and the other Henson characters are, I’d say this was just after his death:

UPDATE: Here it is!

I’ve read the 1938 children’s novel Mr. Popper’s Penguins several times, and let me just say that I’m glad they managed to work the wonderful scene when Mr. Popper teaches the penguins to hip hop dance into the upcoming film.

In all seriousness, I was thinking nice things about this film until the final scene of the trailer. It’s a great kids book and the updates seem to work, but why oh why must every film with CG animals feature them hip hop dancing?! If this is what CGI was meant for, I no longer want it. Please take it back.

Big ol’ Pirates of the Caribbean show coming up next week.  Today, though, it’s roundup time!

He'll be playing the "half".

Ashton Kutcher is set to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, leading me to once again ask: HOW DID THIS MAN BECOME FAMOUS? Seriously. He was on a middling sitcom for a couple years and a string of terrible movies. At what point did he become an actual celebrity? At any rate, if Ashton can sub in for Charlie Sheen, I’d like to announce that through the use of makeup and CGI, I’ll be joining the cast of The Vampire Diaries as Paul Wesley’s vagina.

In happier news, the soundtrack to The Book of Mormon (the first Broadway musical by the South Park boys) is out and it’s pretty damn good. The influence of Avenue Q composer Robert Lopez is delightfully apparent. You can listen to the whole thing on NPR’s website for some reason. I highly recommend “Hasa Diga Eebowai.”

Geekologie has some awesome summer movie posters that have been put through the LEGO ringer. My favorite is this version of Captain America. The permanent smile and inability to bow one’s head really changes the tone of the thing:

"Hey guys! Avenge, okay?"

Finally, /Film’s got the teaser for the Napoleon Dynamite animated series which proudly boasts the entire original cast! That would be impressive if any of them had something better to do. Man, what happened to Jon Heder, huh? Remember that five seconds we thought he’d be famous? Then he did that Reese Witherspoon movie where everyone was a ghost or something… Yeah. Anyway, check out the third-rate, watered down King of the Hill rip-off below:

Am I the only one who can hear the difference between real voice actors and shit like this? I mean, in the original film, Heder’s great, but here it sounds like he’s in a booth mumbling his lines, which video evidence reveals to be true. It takes some skill and effort to put 100% of the performance into your voice.

Anywho, that’s the roundup. See you soon with a new podcast!

Hey, kids.  This is a shameless plug, but it’s for something you’ll like so maybe you’ll indulge me.  Check out this interactive online thingamadoodle I made at my dayjob with some very funny coworkers of mine. I guarantee you’ll laugh at least once.*

*Not a guarantee.

I still remember my old VHS copy of the original Fright Night that I dragged to EVERY sleepover I went to.  We were almost never allow to watch it (boobies!), but it was always a fun/scary good time whenever we did.  Anyway, the trailer is now out for the remake, and I must say that I’m getting the same fun vibes.  Perhaps I should just skip this in theaters and throw a slumber party when the DVD comes out.  Who’s in?

One of Logan and my favorite books is Max Barry’s Syrup, a darkish comedy about the world of advertising. It’s gotten close to becoming a movie several times in the past, but according to Barry, this time’s for real. Quoth his blog:

I’ll be honest: I never expected this to get made. In fact, I’m still skeptical. I’m that cynical. […] This was supposed to be announced tomorrow, but word leaked out early and Variety reported it, so: they’re making Syrup. It’s what comingsoon.net kindly calls a “smaller production,” starring Shiloh Fernandez and Amber Heard. It’s based on a script I wrote, is to be directed by Aram Rappaport, and will shoot in June in New York City. This would be (will be, will be) the first of my novels to be filmed.

I can’t tell you how excited I am about this. If you haven’t read the book, now’s the time to catch up before the Hollywood version comes out. A large part of the plot involves a soda called “Fukk”, if that gets you interested. It’s been a few years since my last re-read, so I think I’ll do the same.

Quick: describe Superman’s origin story as briefly as you can.  Where he came from and what his deal is.

Did you do it?  Great.  If your description included the words “alien”, “Krypton”, or “American way”, I can almost guarantee you got the basic gist of it correct.  If you said “I don’t know” then congratulations, you don’t exist.

I mean, am I wrong?  Is there anyone who doesn’t know the very basics? If so, here they are:

They even manage to cover the fake physics of super strength, complete with some Mark Trail style nature drawings, all in one page.  But if that’s not condensed enough for you, try this:

"THIS IS MY LIFE. OKAY? NOW GET OFF MY ASS ABOUT IT."

That’s Superman tossing off his entire origin in a thought bubble. Not much more to it than that. But if you really hate reading…

There.  They took out all the pesky sentences for you.  Four iconic panels and you’re done. Everything you need to know.  Actually, wait a sec.  I’ll do ya one better:

One panel, apparently written by a caveman (ONE AND SAME!) and you’re ready to enjoy yourself some Superman stories.

My point is this:  I challenge you to find any potential moviegoer who was unaware of the above premise, and yet the new Superman reboot, reportedly called Man of Steel, will be yet ANOTHER origin story.

I’ve mentioned the origin problem of superhero movies on the podcast before, and written about it in one of my first articles for the site, my review of The Spirit.  The issue is that these films feel the need to give you a detailed walkthrough of the hero’s early years, partially because it establishes their character motivation, and partially because the fact that Daredevil was blinded as a child, or that Plastic Man used to hate broccoli until he tried it in olive oil may be vital to the plot.  That’s all well and good, and I love a well-told origin.  The problem comes in when the origin overtakes a huge chunk of the movie, eating up precious time that could be spent on the actual story.

Now, I’m not talking about a film like Batman Begins which is really and truly ABOUT the origin.  In that case, the origin itself is the entire story.  I’m talking about movies that could have been tighter and more focused if they weren’t saddled with all that setup up front.

"I may be invulnerable to bullets. But not to sadness. You see, it all started when..."

And even if you yourself are from another planet and have somehow avoided hearing Superman’s backstory.  Guess what?  It doesn’t matter that much.  You can still enjoy a Superman movie.

You don’t need to spend thirty minutes watching Superman grow up on a farm just to establish his homespun American ideals.  Maybe instead, Superman is flying over Kansas and offers to help the locals with some superspeed harvesting, after which he reminisces for a second about his own cornfed upbringing. You don’t need to actually see Krypton explode to get across that he feels alone on Earth.  Maybe he’s invited over to Lois’s parents’ house for dinner and is reminded both of his own adopted parents and the biological ones he never knew.  Two scenes and a few lines of artful dialog. Less than ten minutes of screen time where you’re also moving other plot elements forward instead of wasting time hashing out stuff we already know.

I just realized that I don’t even know if Lois’s parents are still alive in the comics.  And I don’t really care.  It’s nice trivia when you’ve got the time for it, but it’s not that relevant to understanding and enjoying the character.

So please, Man of Steel, I know Chris Nolan and David Goyer are involved, so I don’t want to tell you what to do.  But please.  Please can you spare us another origin story?

REVIEWED: Thor. What’s YOUR definition of goofy? PLUS: ReBoot, Power Rangers continuity, and the rules for multi-part films.

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