Critical End!

I have a strange love/hate relationship with film critic Roger Ebert.  On one hand, he’s always been one of the most constant, opinionated film critics around.  I highly valued his opinion even when we didn’t agree.  On the other hand, the guy hated Newsies, which says a lot about a person.

All of that said, I was shocked to learn about his recent health issues.  Sure, I knew had had heart problems in the past, but are you aware that he can’t even talk anymore?  Why am I just now finding out about this?  This news was made all the more shocking when I saw the recent photo of him that Esquire magazine plans to run next month.  Take a gander at the ’90’s era photo above, then click here for the full story.

Seriously people, start telling me about these things.

New Hot Tub Time Machine Trailer!

And an awesomely gross BTTF parody.

Been to the video store recently?  Scan the new release wall and you’ll quickly discover that there is a straight to DVD sequel to a film that you only vaguely remember anyway.  Take an extra moment to pick up any one of these and you’ll discover something else: That movie is most likely a straight to DVD sequel of several other straight to DVD sequels that you never cared to see either.  I’m not quite sure why Hollywood works this way, but somewhere somebody must be making some serious cash off of The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends (after 13 films, I’m sure there’s lots of wisdom to go around).  Here are a few of my favorite DVD sequels that you most likely missed out on in the last year:

Free Willy 4: Escape From Pirate’s Cove
How the hell did Free Willy ever become a franchise?  Didn’t they free him in the first film?  Does he keep getting trapped again?  If so, that dumb ass whale deserves to die.  What a jerk.  Anywho, this movie looks awesome.  Check out that trailer!  It has that fuzzy “we swear it’s film” look that a lot of straight to DVD films have, the “acting” talents of Bindi Irwin (ten bucks says she finds a way to rap in the film), and poor Beau Bridges stumbling around in what appears to be a homemade pirate costume.  Personally?  I’m fanning it on Facebook as we speak.

Bring it On 5: Fight to the Finish

Yes, you read that right, this is part 5 of the Bring it On saga.  What exactly is this “it” and when do they plan to finally have it brought on?  Let’s just hope that putting the word “finish” in the title implies that this is definitely going to be the last film.  The space limit on my Netflix queue means I can only hold four Bring it On films.  Also, what’s up with the guy on the cover?  Even he is all like, “…the hell?”
 

 

Step Up 3D
Not really straight to DVD, but I had to put this on here as a warning.  Early reviews are calling this the best 3D dance film since Avatar.  Oh, and according to the IMDB cast list, the characters have great names like Cable, Moose, Hair, Backround, Jenny Kido, and Press Box Patton.  Clearly, if Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo had been in 3D they would still be pumping out sequels to it out as well.

More to come as soon as I catch up on those Land Before Time movies.  Wait, Cuba Gooding, Jr. is in the new one?

I’m pretty sure Logan and I have mentioned the movie Hard Ticket to Hawaii on the podcast at some point.  Suffice it to say that it’s one of the best, awful, borderline pornographic, low budget spy/action drama/comedies of its day.  Oh, and it’s got a scene where a dude is killed by a Frisbee with razor blades taped to it.

Well, a group of brave YouTubers have recreated this classic scene on digital video and fed it to the internet.  Now, normally I’d encourage you to watch the original before the remake, but I’m going to make an exception.  First, take a look at the fan version:

Pretty great, right?  But surely, they cheesed up the acting for comedic effect.  And obviously the real movie’s special effects were more convincing, right?  Let’s see for ourselves…

Yes, it turns out that the fans got it pitch perfect.  If anything, their version is somehow less absurd than the one that hit theaters.  Well done.  For added fun, try starting both clips at the same time.

Well folks, Avatar’s two-month long reign of terror at the top of the box office has come to a close.  As you may recall, Logan and I weren’t big fans of the film, so we’ve both been waiting for the arrival of the movie that would knock it down a peg.  I’m proud to announce that that movie is Dear John, and when I say proud, I mean deeply, deeply ashamed.

I haven’t seen Dear John, and because I never will, I read the plot synopsis.  After all, I had to know what manner of movie could dethrone the king.  If you’re planning on seeing it, but are waiting to catch Avatar one more time for comparison’s sake, be advised that SPOILERS follow.

Okay.  So apparently Channing Tatum, a soldier, and Amanda Seyfried, a girl, meet and fall in love.  Channing confides that his dad’s been distant ever since his mother left.  Naturally, this causes Amanda to suggest that, hey, maybe he’s autistic.  This pisses Channing off, so he goes back to war, but the two develop a deep emotional bond through letter-writing because if there’s one person who you always bond with, it’s the chick you hooked up with one summer that told you she thought your dad was autistic right after meeting him.

They’re in so much love it’s not even funny.  So naturally, Channing continually re-enlists in the army to make sure he’ll never have to come home and reveal to Amanda that he was actually born a woman.  Just kidding!  That would be interesting.  Eventually, Amanda realizes that there are other men in the world, some of whom she’s met upwards of three times.  Thus, she pens the titular Dear John letter. Channing assumes that Amanda’s going to marry her snooty rich friend from earlier in the film.  This sends him into a patriotic super-rage, causing him to take a dangerous mission where he gets shot, but not fatally, leading me to believe that this was a failed attempt to have something actually happen in this movie.

Upon returning home, he discovers that Amanda has in fact married her NON-rich friend with the autistic child, which, since his child is autistic, makes everything heartwarming and all right.  Channing says goodbye to his dying father, who manages to suddenly become important, then he sells his father’s coin collection to pay for an operation for Amanda’s husband, who, by the way, is totally dying.  Be warned!  A long distance relationship with Channing Tatum is so brutally unfulfilling, that it will drive you into the arms of your dying, non-rich platonic friend.  I repeat:  Three months of emotionally torturous hospital visits capped with a funeral is preferable to one letter from Channing Tatum.

So what I’m saying is this makes perfect sense.  The only movie that could have toppled Avatar was one that actually outmatched its meandering, maudlin, plotless mediocrity in every way.  Way to go Dear John!  I look forward to the remake next year.  And every year after that.  And all years previous as well.

The Oscar nominations were announced today with no big surprises.  Personally, I’m glad to see District 9 up for a few awards, although Sharlto Copley really deserved a best actor nom as well…but what do I know?  If it were up to me, Chevy Chase would still be hosting and any Oscars that Quentin Tarantino won would be given to estate of Sergio Leone. 

The real news here is that your good pals Logan and Ryan will once again be giving the Oscars the ol’ CE! live blog treatment!  Some of you older fans may recall that we had a blast doing this last year.  Keep an eye on the site for handy reminders as Oscar season continues.  The Oscars will air on March 7.

Nominees for the 82nd Academy Awards. 

Sources cannot confirm an appearance by Baby Rowlf in the upcoming film. However, I can personally confirm that he is adorable.

Just when I was beginning to get worried that we hadn’t heard anything about it for a while, The Cheapest Muppet Movie Ever Made! has landed a director.

James Bobin, co-creator of The Flight of the Conchords, and writer/director of some of its best episodes, has officially signed on to shepherd the Muppets’ theatrical comeback.  And he turned down a Judd Apatow movie to do it, which somehow makes me believe he’s got the right attitude to pull this off.

I think a member of the Conchords brain-trust is just the choice for the Muppets.  Both are smart, silly, a little off-kilter, and share a penchant for musical comedy.  Plus Bobin’s a Brit, and the best Muppet stuff was produced in the U.K.  And hey, maybe this means we’ll get a cameo by Albi the Racist Dragon!

So we’ve got a funny British director, a script co-written by Muppet fan Jason Segel, and a cast of veteran puppeteers.  If Disney can manage to not completely mishandle the marketing, this project may pump some much needed life back into the Muppets’ legacy.

Muppet Central News – James Bobin to direct Muppets new theatrical movie

What were James Cameron’s true goals as he toiled away for ten years in his basement, developing the technology that would one day make us fall in love with Panthro and Cheetara’s love children?  Sure, he wanted to make strides in CG and 3D immersion, but could he also have been plotting to create a movie that would be exciting enough…TO KILL?!

Probably not.  But much like the foolish military that funded Skynet, Cameron has become complicit in the death of a (presumably) kindly old Taiwanese man who, doctors say, was so fucking blown away by the film that he had a brain hemorrhage and later died.  Science hasn’t yet advanced far enough to provide a record of his final thoughts.  But my guess is he died just as he was thinking “Wait, this is basically Dances with FernGully–ERK!”

Of course there was one thing FernGully had that Avatar was missing:

Man Dies After Watching Avatar | /Film

It’s a slow news day here around the Critical End! offices.  Sure, there are a few things of interest (the final two Harry Potter films will be in 3D, even the director of Saw VII doesn’t want to make a Saw VII, and Avatar has become the number one film of all time), but not much to write home about.

That being said, we’re proud to introduce a new feature: Birthday wishes!  Today’s birthday wish goes out to one of my favorite contemporary directors, Frank Darabont.  You may recall him as the Oscar nominated writer/director of such crowd favorites as The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile.  He then went on to piss everybody off with a depressing little horror film called The Mist.  Chances are you never saw it, because horror films (and films starring Thomas Jane) never get any sort of Oscar buzz.  Shame on you.  

I’ve attached a clip of the birthday boy talking about the original theatrical cut of Blade Runner.  It’s a minute and a half, and if you didn’t catch it on the Blade Runner DVD, it’s very funny and worth a look.

Have a favorite Frankie film or moment?  Share below on the all new “Critical End! Birthday Wall of Coolness!” (which looks amazingly like our standard comment section).  Mr. Darabont is 51 today.

Cars is easily my least favorite Pixar film to date.  Not only was it completely lacking all of the elements that usually set Pixar films apart from generic kids crap like G-Force or anything Dreamworks animation has done in the past 10 years, but it even seemed like Pixar was dumbing itself down to reach the type of audience who think that Larry the Cable Guy is the height of comedy.  (Oh yeah, and I had this whole other issue about a world where even the bugs are small cars with wings.  I mean, who made the cars?  How do they mate?  I don’t think anybody thought about this stuff except me.)

All of that being said, Pixar announced Cars 2 a few years back.  Yesterday Disney released their annual report which featured the first concept art from the soon to be Oscar winning sequel.  Check it out:

Yes, it would appear that the cast of Cars is going to Japan.  I assume Lightning McQueen and his pal (sigh) Tow Mater will expierence enough culture clash to rival that of Rush Hour 3.  Oh, and did I mention that it’s going to be in 3D?

Cars 2 crashes into theaters later this year.

[via CHUD]

You're gonna to make it after all!

Bruce Campbell has announced that he will star in a follow-up to My Name is Bruce, in which he played a comically exaggerated self-deprecating version of himself that saves a small town from a demon.  In the sequel, Bruce Vs. Frankenstein, he’ll wind up in Europe where he, presumably, will save a small European town from a mad scientist and his monstrous creation.  I’m not sure what got Campbell going on this, but if he wants to remake the rest of Abbott and Costello’s oeuvre while he’s at it (Bruce Campbell Chainsaws the Mummy, Bruce Campbell Wrestles the Invisible Man, The Wistful She-Bitch of Wagon Gap, etc.), I’m completely on board.

Honestly, though, My Name is Bruce wasn’t all that hot.  It was hokey, like a lot of Campbell’s work, but it lacked the Sam Raimi execution that makes that kind of thing work.  And Ted Raimi turned in four performances that made me realize why Sam usually limits him to cameos.  Here’s hoping they pull it off a bit better this time.

[via /Film]

R.I.P. Farrah Fawcett

I’d be lying if I told you that I wasn’t excited about Edge of Darkness, Mel Gibson’s big return to acting.  Sure, it’s a plot that we’ve seen over and over again, but it’s also a plot that allows loony Gibson to do what he does best: kicking ass.

However, if there has to be just one other thing that crazy ol’ Mel is good at, it’s the fine art of resurrecting dead languages in an effort to exploit them on film.  Such was the case in his last two directorial efforts, which have featured everything from Aramaic to the little known Yucatec Maya language. 

So, what’s next for wacky pants Mel?  Old Norse.  Yes, you read that right.  Zany brainy Mel let it fly during a press conference for Edge of Darkness that he was making a Viking film with Leonardo DiCaprio that would feature Vikings speaking their native language.  But wait!  There’s more!  He then slightly confused everybody by saying this:

“I think it’s going to be English – the English that would have been spoken back then – and Old Norse.  Whatever the 9th century had to offer.  I’m going to give you real.” 

So, now it’s in Old English too?  Which is it going to be, Gibby?  Oh, who am I kidding?  He could remake Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome in Yiddish for all I care and still get my money.

I’m something of an Alien and Predator nerd.  I admit that even the worst film in the series, Predator 2, has a 2 disc home in my DVD collection.  I also admit that I’m quite looking forward to the upcoming Predator sequel, Predators.  Nothing but good news has come out of the rumor-mill so far: Robert Rodriguez producing, Topher Grace and Adam Brody starring (?!), non-CG effects courtesy of K.N.B., and maybe even a cameo from Schwarzenegger’s Dutch.

All of that being said, I was excited to find out that several photos were leaked out and posted online.  You can view most of them here, but I would be lying if I told you that they gave anything away…except for one that is.  Look closely at this photo of stars Adam Brody and Oleg Taktarov…

Yes, that is, in fact, a Predator standing on a goofy yellow ladder in the background.  It would appear that Hollywood has FINALLY gotten around to making the Chevy Chase-influenced slapstick Predator film that I pitched years back.

Alternately known as "What to Suppose When You're Presupposing" or "Placenta: A Love Story."

Good news!  There’s going to be a movie version of popular (?) pregnancy guide What to Expect When You’re Expecting.  And it’s a romantic comedy about parenthood!

After the stirring social commentary that was He’s Just Not That Into You, Logan and I suspected that we had a new trend on our hands.  Well, this confirms it:  We’re officially on to self-help books.  Not since the board game adaptation trend, or even the amusement park ride adaptation trend, has a more exciting movie-from-not-a-movie trend crossed our desks.

Never one to lag behind the times, I threw the idea into the Critical End! Trend-O-Tronic Pitch Machine (TM) and it predicted what we have to look forward to between now and 2012 when John Cusack kills us all:

Rich Dad Poor Dad
Two single dads, hard working blue-collar contractor Danny Miles (John Travolta) and pampered blue-blooded aristocrat Trevor Pennybottom (Colin Firth) magically switch bodies thanks to a Wiccan ritual gone wrong.  Can they each raise the other’s daughter while learning a little about themselves in the process?

Awaken the Giant Within
A young boy (Chandler Canterbury) is devastated by his parents impending divorce, so he retreats to a fantasy world (crafted by director Guillermo del Toro) where he is a man-eating giant.  Aziz Ansari plays the dual roles of the kindly fisherman that befriends the boy and the voice of the giant’s comical fruit-fly companion.

Self Matters
Dr. Phillip Self (Jason Alexander) is a forensic scientist on the trail of the Paper Crane Killer.  But the real casualty may be his long-neglected marriage.  Bebe Neuwirth costars.

Yoga and the Wisdom of Menopause
Will be exactly like the book except the full title will be Tyler Perry’s Yoga and the Wisdom of Menopause.

Anyway, if you’re one of the 14 million people who have already read What to Expect When You’re Expecting, please don’t ruin the ending for your friends.  (SPOILER: A baby.)

[I Watch Stuff]

Happier times.

When Robert Zemeckis first announced that he was doing a motion capture remake of The Beatles’ Yellow Submarine for Walt Disney Pictures (Kids love stoners), I kind of laughed it off.  “Gee,” I thought.”That guy sure is getting nutty in his old age.”  Now that they’ve actually announced the cast, I’m just now realizing that this wasn’t some elaborate joke and Zemeckis has, for the most part, gone batshit insane.  Does anybody really want another crappy Zemeckis mo-cap film, let alone one that features that nerdy British guy from Harper’s Island as Ringo and Cary Elwes as George?

Zemeckis has always been one of my favorite directors, and for what it’s worth, I stood by him during Polar Express and his mostly nude Beowulf, but this has got to stop.  Do you think the guy even remembers how to make a real movie with actual people?  Raise your hand if you want him to make just one more straight forward adventure-comedy.  Do you see all those hands, Robert?  We all believe that you have at least one classic Hollywood blockbuster left in you.  Give us a call when you decide to make it.