Critical End!

Lately I’ve been pretty rough on zombies.  Honestly, I’m just mostly tired of comedic zombie films.  I feel like I’ve seen it all.  That being said, I expect FearNet’s upcoming new show Zombie Roadkill to suck.  However, this teaser does anything but suck:

I love my girlfriend.  Who else would be willing to both make out with me and watch Cabin Boy in the same afternoon?  Granted, I think she laughs more at the thought of making out with me than she does at Cabin Boy, but I appreciate that she’s still willing to watch all of my favorite movies and shows.

Of course, I’d be a terrible boyfriend if I didn’t return the favor, which is why I just smiled when she asked if I wanted to watch the series premiere of the CW’s Hellcats with her.
“Couldn’t we just make out instead?” I asked.
“Don’t make me laugh, Logan.  Now put your pants back on.  The show’s starting.”
“Okay,” I sighed.  “But the pants are staying off, thank you very much.”

Six people with a combined total of three complete shirts.

Taking place in a post-apocalyptic future where the male population is hunted to extinction, Hellcats tells the story of- no, wait.  That’s not right.  Hellcats is about college cheerleading.  Aly Michalka (who my girlfriend tells me is from some Disney Channel show) and Ashley Tisdale (who I recognize as the girl from Disney’s High School Musical series, but with a different nose) star as two polar opposite cheerleaders who have to team up if they want to beat a rival college and save their college cheerleading program.  Aly’s Marti is a tomboy (hence the name “Marti”) who likes to do things her way, while Ashley’s Savannah is a stuck-up brat (hence the name “Savannah”) who likes to keep it by the books.  Can’t we all just get along?

HELLCATS! (in color)

Yes, it’s all very Bring It On, but for what it’s worth, the show knows that.  There’s even a rather clever training montage where Marti buys a copy of Bring It On and learns to cheer from watching it.  Sure, she is a bit too quick to fall for all of this cheerleading stuff (the episode opens with her verbally bashing the cheerleading squad and ends with her joining it), but I’m glad they didn’t waste my time over a series of episodes when we all knew the direction it was headed.

Meanwhile, Ashley Tisdale has the annoying, perky girl routine down pat.  Say what you want about her, but she knows how to play just the right amount of mean so that you still like her in a certain way.  Obviously, the fact that both of these gals are Disney kids helps, as they already know how to shake their combined bootys (booti?) when the show calls for it, which it does quite a bit.  I counted a total of three montages in 45 minutes, which may have been slightly unnecessary, but this is a show about cheerleaders after all.

In the end, it’s hard to come down on Hellcats.  Granted, I’m not the target audience for the show (it also doesn’t help that I’m hetrosexual), but it does just enough to make you want to keep watching, which is all I can ask from a CW show.  It hits it’s marks and even manages to land a few bases,  basket tosses, and cradle catches as well. 

That’s…um…cheerleading terminology, folks.

Not gay.

Hellcats Pilot Episode 
Rating:  6 out of 10

Welcome back, kids!  I trust you all had a great Labor Day weekend and didn’t almost die watching the new Danny Boyle film.  I thought about posting some of the usual crap to slowly ease you back into your working week, then I thought, “Screw it.  I’m going all out.”

Thus, I give you the first image from the upcoming Telltale Back to the Future game:

BAM!

Is that freakin’ awesome or what?!  Ryan gave us some of the first news on this five episode series back in June.  Word on the net is that the first episode of the game is going to come out sometime at the end of the year to coincide with the 25th anniversary release of the series on Blu-ray.

I can’t wait to play this game.  Hell, I’d play that picture if they put a Start button on it.  That’s how pumped the image has me for the game.  It also helps that I was almost expecting something more along the lines of this:

via CHUD

With Labor Day weekend at hand, I thought I’d cram a lot of awesomness into one mega post.

First up, James Cameron thinks he owns the concept of 3D and takes it upon himself to call out Piranha 3D as “exactly an example of what we should not be doing in 3-D.”  This prompts Piranha producer Mark Canton to point out that not everyone can “take ten years using other people’s money to make and market a film.”  All I can say is that there was ritual mating in both movies and the fish film did it right.

Shamelessly stolen from cbsnews.com

Elsewhere, I Watch Stuff reports that CBS reports that 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair report that nobody gives a crap how evil Mel Gibson is.  76% of those polled said that the scandal would have no effect on their likelihood of seeing a new Mel Gibson movie. If America can separate Gibson the man from Gibson the actor, I suppose I can start going back to my favorite Starbucks, despite that one barista’s outspoken views on abortion.

Here’s Doctor Who favorite David Tennant from the upcoming remake of Fright Night.  I’ve never seen the original, but you can pretty much take any beloved genre actor and cast them as a magician and I’ll see that movie.  Just ask The Prestige.

Speaking of awe-inspiring images, Juan Pablo Bravo made a HUGE size-comparison chart of just about any Hanna-Barbera character you can think of, 600 in all.  Click the tiny sample below for the full shebang.

Almost as cool as knowing the exact relative heights of the Hair Bear Bunch, is Conan O’Brien announcing the name of his new TBS show.  It’s a good thing he’s getting back to work.  With that beard, he looks like he’d be on the streets with a beaver puppet, leaving angry voicemails for Oksana Grigorieva if he didn’t have something to keep him busy.

And finally, let’s usher in the holiday weekend with everybody’s favorite weekend activity.  DANCE PARTY!

Happy Labor Day, folks.

I already wasted time and web space making fun of the (sigh) Planet of the Apes prequel back in May, so let’s just get to the goods, shall we?  This is either the first photo from the set of Rise of the Apes, or some strange guy in a bodysuit following James Franco and his girlfriend home.

Decide for yourself in our comment section below.

via CHUD

I’m sure my friends are glad that the Emmys have come and gone, as now they no longer have to hear me talk about what a shame it is that none of the Community cast got nominated.  So, what was the cast of the best new show of last season doing instead of sitting in the Emmy audience waiting to hear their name called?  Doing car commercials.

But wait!  It was no where near as bad as it sounds.  I actually rather liked it…or perhaps I was just really in need of a Community fix until the new season starts.  See for yourself:

And as not to load this post down with with videos, here’s the links to part two and three on YouTube.  New season starts September 23rd!

Sandler on the set of his comedic remake of "Taxi Driver". Suri Cruise is playing the Jodie Foster part.

Remember last year when we heard that Adam Sandler would play both Jack and Jill in a romantic comedy of the same name?    That’s still a thing.  I’ve learned from I Watch Stuff that Katie Holmes is being groomed for the role of Jack’s wife, which at least means we can all thank God that Sandler will not be shamelessly wooing himself on film.

But the real tragedy here is that while Jack and Jill is an actual multi-million dollar film, my pitch for the Dane Cook vehicle Old Mother Hubbard (Dane Cook must disguise himself as his own grandmother while still trying to score with the chick from Twilight) is still languishing in development hell!  By which I mean Peter Segal hasn’t called me back yet.  So I’ve decided that every time I read another stupid piece of news about Jack and Jill, I’ll churn out another “Nursery Rhyme Title as Raunchy Romantic Comedy” premise.  Eventually, Hollywood’s sure to snap one up.  Here’s my latest:

Peter Peter
Jonah Hill stars as college senior Peter Peter.  He’s about to graduate and he still hasn’t got up the nerve to ask out the hottest girl on campus (played by whoever almost wins this season of The Bachelor).  His love life isn’t helped by his terrible allergy to pumpkin, which–instead of giving him a rash or killing him–causes him to launch involuntarily into a series of hilarious, and often racist, character voices.  When the hotty dares him to eat 100 pumpkin pies before graduation, with a night of passion as the prize, Peter’s got no choice but to grab the Cool Whip and hope his uncontrollable alter egos don’t get him into too much trouble!

Done.  Money in the bank.

Adam Green’s Hatchet was no work of art, but it completely delivered the “Old School American Horror” that the posters promised.  I left the theater thinking Green could be the next Eli Roth, and started wishing for a whole slew of quickly made Hatchet sequels, a la the Friday the 13th films in the ’80’s.

Three years and a few decent films later, Green is finally granting my wish.  And while the teaser trailer for Hatchet II spends most of it’s time reviewing the first film, I have to admit that I’m still very excited.  Let’s hope that this gets a wide enough release so I can catch it in theaters.

Remember Norm Macdonald?  He’s that guy who got fired from SNL for being funny, made two very awesome but unsuccessful films, then somehow ended up starring in his own sitcom on ABC.  Only in America, kids.

Although I haven’t seen it since it originally aired, The Norm Show (later renamed Norm), was must-see-TV for high school Logan.  The reason it worked was, quite simply, because it didn’t work.  Norm Macdonald was always the first person to point out that he couldn’t act.  He was also one of the most uncreative comedians around, often labeling things exactly how they looked (hence “Wiener Dog” as the name of his wiener dog).  Norm Macdonald had no business being on primetime, network television…but this is what made the show so awesome.

Shout! Factory, which I seriously cannot stop saying amazing things about, recently announced plans to release the complete Norm Show on DVD, which I find both exciting and scary.  Exciting because I remember loving this show and scary because I’m secretly afraid it’s not going to hold up.  But then again, there’s this clip, which alone is worth at least half of the $45 Amazon pre-order price.

Anybody else remember this show?  Thoughts?

Are you aware that we live in a world where a film like Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, arguably one of the funniest and most creative films of the year, bombs at the box office, while Vampires Suck opens as a certified hit?  What’s wrong with people?

I also find this surprising as I was under the impression that the Twilight series was already funny enough.  I mean, why bother with a spoof when the material being spoofed is funnier?  Case in point: Breaking Dawn.  Sure, it’s not even out yet, but if it ends up anything at all like the book, we’re looking at what might possibly be THE BEST WORST FILM EVER.  Ryan and I discussed it back in this podcast, but here’s the quick version in case you missed it:

I don’t think I’ve talked about Mad Men on the blog before, primarily due to my unspoken agreement with Logan to deny the existence of any television show that doesn’t feature Chevy Chase.  I’m breaking that streak today to discuss the most surprisingly compelling character of this season: Glen Bishop.

I enjoy Mad Men, but it’s frustratingly disorganized in its storytelling.  It doesn’t really have story arcs, so much as vague themes.  Characters may get tons of screen time for several episodes, only to disappear completely without warning.  Whatever happened to Joan’s closeted lesbian roommate?  Are we ever going to see Sal again?  And where the hell has Betty Draper been this season?  Until recently, I thought Glen Bishop had evaporated as well.  But before we discuss the present, let’s take a look back to when we first met the little scamp:

Glen is the young son of Helen Bishop, a divorced single mother who lives in the Draper’s neighborhood.  When Helen’s babysitter falls through, she guilts Betty into watching Glen for the evening.  While Betty is using the bathroom, Glen walks in on her (quite on purpose) and proceeds to stare at her until she’s able to get the door closed.  Betty confronts him about it.  He cries and apologizes.  So far, Glen’s kinda weird.  But, hey, he’s a lonely, sexually curious nine-year-old.  Give him a break.

Then he asks for a lock of Betty’s hair.  So, ya know…we’re getting into creepy town now.  He tells her that he wants it because she’s like a princess.  Of course, because Betty Draper is pretty unhinged herself, she ends up giving it to him.  It’s a neat scene because not only do you get to watch this really messed up little kid, you also realize how lonely Betty herself must be to oblige him.

Glen disappears for a bit after that, then shows up again when his mother finds the lock of hair and tells Betty to keep away from her son.  Later, the two meet by chance in a parking lot where Betty breaks down and admits how isolated she is, causing Glen to tenderly (and SUPER creepily) comfort her by saying that he wishes he were older.

Eventually, he runs away from home and hides in the Draper’s doghouse, explaining to Betty that he’s come to rescue her, and that the two can run away together.  It’s clear now, even to Betty, that this kid is damaged.  She calls his mom.  He views it as the ultimate betrayal, and tells Betty he hates her.  So ends their affair.  Glen fades into the ether, never to be seen or mentioned again.

Until now!  Oh yes, friends.  This season opened with the Draper kids (now the Francis kids after Betty’s divorce) bumping into Glen while Christmas tree shopping.  But this time he’s only got stalker-eyes for young Sally.  In a way this is a step up, since she’s actually his age.  In another way, it’s kind of like a psycho ex-lover showing up to menace the family of the one who spurned him.

And we’re in luck, Glen fans.  Our boy has discovered exciting new ways to be unnerving.  Every scene he’s in explodes with awkwardness!  He shows Sally his menacing pocket knife, chats about divorce in a detached monotone,  calls her up in the middle of the night, and–in his Glenniest move yet–breaks into the Francis home and wrecks the shit out of it,  leaving only Sally’s room intact.

And then…nothing again.  He’s been absent for the last three episodes.  C’mon, Mad Men, what’s up with this kid?  Is he using Sally as a creepy surrogate for her mom?  Is he a serial killer in the making?  Is he going to have a seen with Don where the two hash things out over scotch?  What is Glen’s deal!

To make matters weirder, Glen is played by Marten Weiner, son of the show’s creator, who presumably looked at his son one day and said “This kid is so quietly shudder-inducing, America will be helpless to look away!”  Maybe that at least means he won’t be forgotten like all those other great side characters.

Either way, you guys can count on me to keep you updated on the creepy exploits of Glen Bishop from here on out.  Unless those exploits involve him appearing outside my bedroom window with his father’s hunting rifle.  By the time I learn of that exploit, it will be far too late for me.

Thanks to the Mad Men Wiki for jogging my memory.  Also check AMC’s blog for an interview with the surprisingly well-adjusted Marten Weiner.

At a certain point, I begin to wonder if being a guy who has hated almost everything Wes Craven does but still continues to follow his work for some reason, is any different from being his biggest fan.  Maybe I’m just kidding myself?  Or is that killing myself!

Anyway, he’s actually directing again!  Check out the trailer for My Soul to Take. The original title was 25/8, but presumably Craven couldn’t get funding for that many eighths. It’s pretty much your standard slasher, with the twist that one of the kids may be the reincarnated spirit of the murderer.  Kind of a neat idea.  I wonder how he’ll screw it up.

[via I Watch Stuff]